I want a 'hang' (the UFO-like instrument)

Apparantly the Japanese vocalist has a 'japanesey' German accent in this, ist es wahr?

So I'm just going to say some things and at the end, the stuff is going to have been said

I don't want to say these things, but I have to say them, because it might stop me actually denying them. This is about illness. So yes. Last week I wrote about how it was bad, now I'm going to write about how bad and I don't want you to judge me, I just want to prepare you for some things, cause this is going to get a bit heavy. I also really need to put this somewhere, cause it's actually getting to a bad level of denial, and at the end of this, you might understand why.

When I started getting this stuff a year ago, it was pretty bad at the time, the sky was covered in patterns, I got really dizzy, and I'd have episodes of twitching and body dysmorphia, so where I didn't know where my limbs were. I had some odd symptoms then, admittedly, the colour change stuff and some light tracking episodes, I even had one weird episode with facial recognition trouble, there were panic attacks, some difficulty speaking, and a few episodes with head rushes. It wasn't pleasant but it was manageable. The symptoms remained only brain-based, and were controlled with a seizure medication called Topiramate, specifically controlling the dizziness/vertigo allowing me to at least leave the house. In January, possibly with medication, possibly just cause, many of them just stopped.

I remained, not symptom-free but my life was able to be undertaken without too much alteration for about 8 months, that is from February to September, so about a month after I'd seen the neurologist, who after 7 months of low level symptoms was considering dropping the dose of a seizure medication which could have been plausibly causing some of the symptoms.

Which brings me to September. I had an attack of symptoms which starts with a symptoms where essentially what happens is all the blood rushes to my head, I feel faint and I generally lose some sort of function, on that occasion, I collapsed to the floor and couldn't speak for 5 minutes. About a week later, after 2 more attacks like that, my symptoms returned in full.

These symptoms have escalated and while the ones a year ago were only in the brain, the ones this year also incorporate nerve problems and some sort of muscle or bone pain. Most of the symptoms that occurred last year have returned and become worse, that is higher frequency or stronger themselves. These include, the voice and facial recognition symptoms, some of the visual illusion symptoms, the twitching, and several others. I have not had a symptom free day for 2 months, and most days I experience between 5-8 symptoms, and maybe 2 new ones or 2 escalations every 3 weeks. 

The most problematic symptom I have is a heat induced parasthesia (my GP called it that, I call it heat rash not rash), that is like heat rash but there is no rash present, my skin feels tingly when it gets hot or I get emotional, I was suffering from this on Blackheath 3, it is one of my only non-episodic symptoms (along with the visual static/snow). If it cannot be treated, which is a possibility, then I may have to consider moving to live with Dad through Summer, because I can't actually functionally live here for those 3 months, yes shitty things that are not good to think about.

When I wrote that post the other day, this is what I meant to write and I have to tell the others as well, but the nerve and the bone stuff is scary. I'm so scared. And I don't think that's going to change, I keep waiting for my symptoms to change, and they're not, so I guess the better thing to do is just accept it. Accept I'm scared and try and move forward. That's why I made this post today when I should've before, but yeah, it's scary and that's ok.

Specifically I've been in denial myself, I don't really know what to do with these new symptoms, because it indicates a change I don't know how to deal with. My life is kind of being thrown into question, in as much as how much worse is this going to get? What do I have? etc. Being in denial was a safe zone for me, but it was bad at the same time, specifically when I was debating putting certain symptoms to my neurologist because I was scared of what I might have to face. I'm not offering excuses, but fear is hard to deal with. I'm going to stop now, but yeah that's what I mean when I say bad level of denial and heavy and all the other things.
(I feel a fair bit better now. and I wasn't sure if I was going to post this but I am going to, umm sorry about new information and stuff, here is photo of some trees I took that seems peaceful)

how i think lesbian sex works

.

i really need to study....

Best acting

I'm gonna just write some stuff,

and maybe this counts as opening up cause I don't really like to talk about this kinda shit often but maybe it doesn't?? who knows. ummmmm this might get heavy so pls no judging

anyway so I'm sitting here nervously procrastinating away from doing this fucking italian translation speech thing. it's not even hard its just arduous I guess?? but I need to get the stress of it off my mind. it's not even the stress of this. this is an easy assignment and I'll find it that soon when I get to actually doing anything about it, it's just...

I've been super stressed lately and I guess I just need to say something maybe.
if you guys don't know (which you probs do) I'm currently in the middle of 'battling' a serious case of acid reflux/heartburn. this is the shit that makes it so I can't drink alcohol or coffee or eat pizza or any food with tomatos, onions, spices, blugh in it. on top of that I also might have some kind of heart condition (which also prohibits me from having coffee >.<) and on top of that my hands are still seriously seriously fucked up from the start of this year. which is honestly the worst of the conditions. it's just, living like this is really tough. it's not a tough life, I'm not some poor kid struggling on the streets of sierra leone trying to make a living shifting sand on the banks of a river trying to find diamonds. but still, it's stupid to even compare that because different places etc. it's just tough.
2014 has truly been a terrible year for me. it is incredibly depressing having every single thing that brings you joy ripped away from you. first it was video games and computers in general and more than that just anything that uses my hands. I haven't been able to play video games seriously since december last year and from here it looks like I may never be able to again. this is 10 months in and even after seriously going to the physio and hand specialists and everything after 10 months of apparent progress I'm almost back at square one because of a bunch of uni work.
same goes for guitar, back in year 11/12 when shit was pretty terrible for me I would always have the comfort of coming home and locking my room and playing guitar for ages. back in italy whenever I felt homesick I would go to the attic of the house and stare out the skylight at the clouds playing guitar to myself.
so no video games or guitar. ehh, it's shitty but I live.
but now I can't even have coffee or good food and medical procedures take so long to actually get anything fucking done. I'm sitting here eating nothing but rice and pasta and I've lost so much weight that for the first time since year 12 I've slowly descended back below 70 kg. (for reference I was pretty proud of the fact that since the start of 2013 I'd managed to stay between 75 and 80 kg; the worst I've ever been was 62 kg, bmi of 16). I can't sleep in an empty house or at someone else's because I might have an attack and die. they are seemingly triggered by that food that I'm avoiding but even still they have happened sometimes out of the blue, even on this autoflaggellation diet. coffee is my life blood and I've been off of it for 3 weeks now and I miss it so much!! I can actively feel myself being less of a person because of my lack of coffee. and parties are so shit when you can't even drink a single beer, like I'm not an alcoholic and I hope I'll never be but watching other people drink and not even being able to for fear of waking up and violently vomiting and maybe choking to death on my own vomit, and even if that's not what happens bad stuff is.

my life right now is so bland and stressful and I can't even just fast-forward time by sleeping through it and resting until my op (27/10; hopefully fixes the reflux shit!) because I have so many uni obligations with assignments and shit! and I can't afford to slip up because the degree I'm in has a 65% requirement across all subjects and I'm kinda slipping up and if I don't get the 65% mark then my going away to spain is not entirely guaranteed. and for some stupid reason, for some stupid fucking retarded reason I can't talk about this kinda shit in person and I have no one but my immediate family who I mention this to and both my parents look at things the wrong way and completely fail to understand, and jemma is away for a couple of months (I miss her so much~)

there's a lot of negative shit in my life at the moment (like I've just said) but there's also a lot of positives. I love humanity and I've been really pensive lately. I've thought a lot about what I like in the world and found some more stuff. the human condition for example, humanity is the best thing on the planet. I love it, and diversity, and all the little customs and stories and cultures of the world. so I'm serious when I say I haven't given up hope, it's just... fuck, man.. these is somber days.

like this semester everything was great and I loved my life even though my hands didn't work and I was being way more active and doing interesting shit and finally *finally* getting anywhere with girls and then nope lol. some random illness takes all that away as well.

I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. it'd say "vivo e basta" ("I live and that's enough") but that's kinda corny so idk. also I don't know where I'd get it, maybe in the crook of my arm or something?? ahh fuck I should stop typing this now. I have a lot of work to do tonight and my hands are already on fire from writing all this. in two years if I haven't recovered from this rsi bullshit I'll probably just go ahead and chop my arms off

good bye and thank you for listening <3 you guys are the best friends ever, ever.
-smaz

Yes, i completely agree, only relevant things

I only post relevant and quality content.

I dunno what to do

I dunno how to say this but illness stuff is bad rn. I hate having to tell you this but it's an honest truth right now. I hate having to tell you, cause first, I have to admit it to myself, which is fucking hard, cause it sort of feels like failure. I also feel like I'm stressing you guys out, which I'm sorry if I am.

And like I have a cough thing at the moment so that might be making things worse, but even without that, things weren't great and I've been trying to tell you guys for weeks, but as I said, it's hard to say, cause like I don't want to be the person that is that stress out, and you can talk to me about it, if you're worried, like I'm cool to answer questions, I'm not in danger or seriously hurt, whatever I've got is just flaring so things are shitty.

And I can't pretend they aren't, which if I'm 100% honest with you, and like I'm only going to say this once, I do pretend, I pretend constantly that everything is better than it is, and I'm ok pretending most of the time but like you need to know that not everything is ok right now. I mean I go through ups and downs of how many symptoms I experience with the days and how optimistic I am and how much I pretend it's not affecting me, not necessarily related, but like it's pretty bad right now, so yeah I needed to tell you guys that.

Anyway, here is a photo from Europe, and a resource of gifs that I favourited ages ago and forgot about (here)

Digressing as usual

So we are still trying to find out the real causes of what it means for one sex to desire another of the same sex.
As a human race we breed, subconsciously passing on knowledge to the next generation and so forth to advance in this world. We have certain instincts, like that of a tiny bacteria we essentially yearn for certain things for survival, reproduction being one of them. Although now, rather than being a tiny bacteria, it is way more complex, food, water, shelter, other people, knowledge and such we still strive for. But what if, we eliminated one of these?
What if, that is, there was no sense of future in our neural workings... Rather nothing to continue on out, where sex is carried out for more a pleasure or stress relieving task than to reproduce.
I was just thinking, in Japanese history it was told during the "heian period" (maybe i'll try add a link here), also known as the 'peace era' way back somewhere around 800 years ago. In this period it was known that there were a lot of homosexual relationships. Is it harmony, that lack of urgency that gives us too much freedom to follow our 'natural order,' i.e gaining weight being a problem for the masses in the past, has been shifted to losing weight and trying to get fit in the present.
Perhaps it is a shift in the human psyche that is necessary for the future beings. Perhaps it is a hindrance, or a sign of something wrong; which is why so many people are against it naturally beyond rationality.
I remember learning that in ancient greece it was custom that a younger boy would be paired up with an older man in the military, the older being the mentor and the younger being the pupil, and the younger had to submit to any sexual desire the older would ask of him. It was considered a bonding for the military, a sense of belonging and more reason to fight, apparently.

Some of these arguments would sound completely ridiculous to some, and unfortunately i can't see how, which is why i want you to reply to this theory, and annotate it if you can to help build a better thought.

I think too much, this is a social network so i may as well take advantage of your minds too to help unload some pressure haha.