The other night I had an intense dream, it's been bugging me ever since.
 I was in the dream at a pub which i didn't want to go to, and was on the way home when I'd had some sort of panic attack or depressive flush of emotion, and I had sat on the tiles on a pathway full of people walking; as if it were George street during a main event/parade however at 9am in the morning where most people tend to wear business uniforms. As i sat on the red/amber tiles, looking mostly down i could only see the walking and rushing feet of people who were annoyed to have this obstacle in the way, but that wasn't the problem..
The problem was that sensation i had. It's the most exaggerated form of depression i'd ever felt, as if i was made of something as heavy as steel sinking to the bottom of the ocean. It was so intense, that my cousin appeared and i leaned on her lap as she tried to calm me down for half the day, patting me and cheering me up, i just knew it was the end of the world for me and was deemed useless, in a semi-vegetable state... My head was heavy from the inside, and i was just watching the feet of people rush by as the sun shone into my eyes. My cousin had to actually leave at some point, someone else came but i can't recall.

That was it. When i woke up, i was sad. It took me a minute to get back to reality, and resume sleeping. I suppose i can control my emotions in my conscious state, but sleeping is a different story.

If i go to bed

It will take me to tomorrow

I can't unsee it

I've always seen it but... Ngggggg!. It's like someone put paint on their penis and stamped it onto Vaatu! THERE im sorry

This might be dumb

But isn't the act of thinking some sort of proof that we can exist not just in physical form? I can make any sound i want/know, i can reproduce images, i can re-sense feeling things or even disgusting smells. 

Thinking is an underrated part of our body. It's just amazing, and slightly limited. I can't think and predict where i'll be in 5 years time. What i'll look like... Who i'll meet.

Idk it's almost like we have our own little universes in our heads

the universe

You know, if I was the person who discovered the universe, i would have thought that it was wrong. I mean look at earth and all the things on earth. Animals, humans, rocks, tress, elements, physics like all this makes sense. Even water makes sense. The circle of life, prey and predator system, building up civilizations, life etc, all these make sense, I would expect the universe to be like earth, this sort of biodiverse system of different kinds of matter working together, where animals and humans and plants can take advantage of each other and resources for their own survival, reproduction and leisure. I would expect that, earth would play some crucial part in the system of the universe, and when I mean crucial I mean like, how a single lizard is crucial for our earthly ways. But no, instead, all you find are fucking huge spheres of just random elements. And they just circle and circle and circle around each other. Just this big void of round things circling each other in clusters. That sounds too made up like, oh what's out there in the universe beyond our earth, fucking, giant spheres moving in a large void??? I think at this point, it's not that science doesn't make sense, science plays by science's rules, which is whatever. Things are just how it is. I just feel like, yea there are rules and stuff but it doesn't really have a point. They just exist and science just does what it wants. Also every time i look out into the stars, i think about all the solar systems that might be circling around that star. So many fucking GIANT spheres. thinking about how large all these planets are really gets to me.

today

I went shopping with my mum and we bought me some sick clothes (I was owed both a christmas and birthday present cause for the christmas one we went out to get clothes but I started having panic attacks in the shop)

I got 2 uniqlo hoodies, one is fur-lined and it's so warm and sick
and I got 2 t-shirts from topman and they are heaps good
and I got some sick undies they have fruits on them! one is watermelon slices, one is strawberries and one is pineapples which is my fave one. Like they look like the patterns you get on girls panties but for guys undies which is so great. idk I really like them so I thought I'd tell yas

I really <3 all="" br="" of="" you="">

I've been thinking..

To put it really on a macro perspective... aren't the things we do, all that we have just a bunch of rules? The rules of the system which we govern the people, the rules of physics, the rules of your house, and the rule of surviving. Maybe in another language they separate the word rule accordingly, so that the rule of the household doesn't sound as high-up on the same pedestal as laws of physics. Ah.. There it is.. "Law." But then there are laws in politics. Human made laws compared to rules that already exist within the universe that we can't really change, yet only observe and calculate, are quite different. I was just thinking, everything we do is a set of rules, if you work at a cafe you must do this, wash that, say this.... If you go to uni, you must reach a certain mark of this... Ofcourse there are instructions as well, which are more like guidelines for previous inventors/curators or more than a recommendation, a solid fact sheet of the image of finished product that they assume you are trying to complete. It's just so weird... A world with a bunch of rules.

 Really, among the basic rules of time and survival, everything else seems to sound a bit far-fetched and completely made up. And yet, we follow them. I think, I might become a little more greedy from now on. I might do things that only benefit my time and survival on a whole. Of course, I won't even follow these rules efficiently, because it is necessary to pass time, decisions come into play that do not benefit survival. For example alcohol/drugs in large quantity/ friends with bad decisions (none of you guys). I guess, I have to make a new set of rules for myself, rather than relying on self instinct in certain situations. But then, how long does it take for a set of rules to turn a human into mere robotic coding? We will never be as direct, and quick as a computer, it's just not what humans were made to do...

 It's just annoying how the psyche of a human brain limits us so. We are all so damn greedy and needy, if we just broke our luxury routines we could accomplish so much more.. Yet we continue to, for example, order a coffee from the corner shop. That coffee had to be produced in masses by some poorer country... That paper will most likely be thrown in the garbage to be buried underground for thousands of years, and that machine will have to be cleaned on the hour, and repaired on the weekly. (That was the biggest first world problem ever lol).

 Who are we to judge, and be judged? Is judging just looking back on what rules you have ascertained to make the order of things most just in the system? As humans are we really all equal?

In theory sure, if one new born child was given to a foreign country, from every country, they should act and behave according to how they're taught right? So are we not a blank slot of brains until we get our heads filled with information brought from previous generations..? If that's so, for me to be questioning things like this, does that not hint that I've been exposed to something to trigger that response?

 Systems, rules, and laws. Guidelines, recommendations, and instructions. Procedures, order of things, methods, stages and gradations.

 How are we supposed to have any fun in a world like that

i can't stop listening to this

I... I think I might have a thing for codeswitching

i want to see the live review

Limitations of the human made world

Disclaimer: this is a rant

Yo I'm followin up some things that were brought up on our facebook convo and how good but shitty humans are.

So the world is full of shit. but the world is full of solutions. and as someone who mixed stuff in a flask and makes graphs and tables, i see good stuff being pumped out everyday. real life changing shit man. science is the factory of solutions. i truly believe that if we study shit hard enough, we can figure it out and find the resolution. it may take time but it is possible. look at all the shit we already know. the first engine driven form of human-crafted transport was composed in 1768 (steam powered car that can fucking move a human using wheels). dude. thats before alessandro volta invents the battery. thats before we knew plants were made of cells. thats before we could explain why the sky is blue.
but knowledge continues to be tested and accumulated and applied. and at the crazy speed we going at, i dont think anything is really impossible. humans are ridiculous

unfortunately, our ability to develop and influence applies on a broader scale. and i dont know if im right since i guess everyone thinks they are but i'm really glad i've been given the circumstances ive been given. 
and as much as I try to appreciate it and make use of my opportunities, its hard to keep things in perspective all the time. Like i have access to basic things all living creatures need. things that the lack of are killing other humans, like me, who i could have been but am not. like clean water and hygiene man. people are dying from not having shit that is free to us.
i hate brats. people that just take and dont understand the roots of things. its ok if you're an idiotic child, but when you think things are infinite because they have been provided to you.
all about perspective. anyway. im saying we try to appreciate things but its difficult if you havnt had to struggle or havnt been exposed to stuff. like people with addictions. its so easy to say they're stupid and have self-induced their problems, but no one chooses to be expose to what they're exposed to under those circumstances and you dont know your strength, or if you can clearly say you wouldnt do that.

ok that was super not my point. 
i meant to say that we (people of this blog) are educated. and we have been thought to observe and think for ourselves. we have embraced our uniqueness and value our differing perspectives. and i always say im so lucky to have you guys as my homies man. i dont know what i would be or how i would think without you. so for us its hard to believe when other people are deceived so easily.
for me, its someone reading an article about the '10 weirdest diseases ever!!1!' and looking at obviously photoshopped images that display extreme (and untrue) representations of existing diseases. i always question shit. not because i dont trust but because i just want to know for sures.
pretty sure mark twain said somethin like 'It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so' (saw that in an al gore movie in highschool)
like i have been asked 'why is it so hard to believe' or 'why cant you just accept it' 
i will always investigate. and why shouldnt you? why would you just believe? why wont you read up on the evidence? are you gonna believe something another human told you? is it easier? so you can sit your ass down and do more nothing and just accept things? 

like health information on food boxes. why is it so difficult to turn the box around and read the facts and not the marketing slogans? 'source of fibre' *turns box around* 'fibre 1% daily intake' you motherfuckers. all smug like 'we aint lying hyuk hyuk' 
the information is there. open your damn eyes. 

someone once said 'you dont have a faith? you really dont believe in anything? you think we just disappear when we die? then whats the point?'
theres no point
you're alive. you have emotions, you know other emotive beings that have emotions and now you must pender to them. go forth and exist. 
and is that bad? why have people come to expect things that only make their lives harder? do you need to know theres a nice place at the 'end' to behave? do you not know of your own emotions and how other people have them too? and fears and dreams and beauty? and do you value your life? then why do you not value the life of others or even if you dont why can you not see the possibility that life is important to someone else?
why do people just simply disregard the wellbeing of other people. do you think you're the only motherfucker to exist? because your short term solutions and having a more grand impact on other people. people like you. who werent so lucky to be born into your situation. 
the world as we know has been structured and maintained by other humans with they're own motives and goals and unfortunately, perspective isnt always reached. you are in power. you most likely have money. its hard to be humble but all you have to do is listen. which you dont want to do because it clashes with your comforts.
in a world where laws exist and people attempting to do the 'right thing' abide by them, good intentions have a limited reach. while those that destruct and disregard roam freely and act freely and more readily because they dont give a fuck.
its harder and harder to care for each other.

money is the key but its going to the wrong places and all the wrong people. i'll say it again i fucking hate the royalty
oh good for you you were born on a throne and people think your alright because you're nice and now you have baby. HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE LIKE THAT THAT DONT GET NO RECOGNITION.  motherfuckers the world isnt turning because or your filty rich ass.
like the other day some lady was like 'i like prince harry he seems sweet' WHAT THE FUCK. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE NICE AND WELL INTENDED. FUCK HIM MAN. HE DESERVES NO APPRECIATION. fuck you man. 

im sorry i dont know what my point is but fuck man. humannssss!!!!!!!

generic iphone related noises give me minor anxieties

you know that generic iphone alarm noise
or the timer countdown noise thing
i think its called 'radar'

sometimes, people's alarms go off on the bus or at uni and it gives me anxiety because i associate it with having to wake up early and face a day of responsibilities

or like hearing the generic iphone ringtone (i havnt changed it to a kpop song yet)
like whenever anyone's iphone goes off, its that one tone and it makes me panic sometimes.

or even phone vibrations

i dont know
i dont want to pick up calls and i dont wanna deal with things

nowhere to run
nowhere to hide

i dont like pretending to be an adult

italians and memes: part 4 (i think): WRESTLING MEMES

just

italian wrestling memes tho

"You're white and super strong... I know what you are"
"say it"

"Sheamus"

"Exactly Fellah..."
"...I meant Bella"

i named my internet dog after people in the group