this is just a dump of things im feeling and thinking right now and its very personal and kind of at the core of who i am so apologies in advance
but i feel like i gotta say the stuff you know. get it out there or some shit.
like, i was cool talking about the more surface level stuff but i said all of it and my counselor put two and two together and said basically like
"you feel guilty for asserting yourself"
welp.i've basically been trying to suppress my teenage years but turns out they are super relevant to my own growth as a person
so like i never had a rebellious stage as a teenager
and it's bc my parents never gave me the affection or attention that i needed
i was fucking anorexic (read: i'm still basically anorexic) and nobody paid attention or took it seriously
and every time i tried to bring it up it was dismissed bc "guys don't get anorexia" which i know they didnt believe but it was the hand-wavy way they used to ignore my problems and pretend everything was fine
and every time i tried to bring up that i was depressed it was dismissed, until the Rhiannon shit went down and they couldnt ignore it and all that happened was i got antidepressants until i got over the depression myself
and basically the end result of that is that a) i never discovered myself as a teenager like you're supposed to and b) every time i have to stand up for myself i devalue my own importance and i try too hard to make everyone else happy but i basically don't think of myself as being worthy of having that happiness.
every time i need to assert myself (e.g. recently i wanted to quit my job bc it's making my hands really bad) i feel really guilty about it!!
anyway that's just a fucked up thing about myself, that i can't be assertive because i've been conditioned to feel shameful about it.
counseling is super good once you open yourself up. but it's super fucking uncomfortable too sometimes haha ha fuck
ok cool thanks for listening and i love you guys ❤️ goodbye
Thursday, February 11, 2016
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4 comments:
Hey dude! I'm glad you managed to find that out or communicate that to yourself. I think in a lot of ways, from our interactions, we can see it's really true. It's super beautiful that you always go out of your way for everyone else but please don't feel like you owe it to everyone. Because you don't and you owe it to yourself too. Sometimes i do feel like you have perceived inferiority, but just think about how you're in the blackheath gang so that means you are great because we are all amazing
I believe in you! you have our support! next time you can't be assertive, think about how we have your back and support your decision! and you shouldn't feel shameful because we believe in your decisions too.
I'm really sorry about what you went through, have you spoken about anorexia to your counselor? You will get better! I promise
<3<3<3<3<3
i definitely do have perceived inferiority but it's like a weird thing because i also know that we at blackheath are objectively the best people out and i also do think really highly of myself? like i know that i'm capable of things most people are stupidly incapable of for some reason
the anorexia (if that is what it is) is pretty mild, it's not destroying my life or anything! although that's what people who suffer from it usually say so idk hahaaa
I still do eat, and while i'm irrationally terrified of getting fat it's not like that's ever really gonna happen and i also do eat large enough meals when i am feeling hungry. it used to be way worse back in high school. my friend in spain was very anorexic and had serious anxiety and it was very frightening! I'm still worried about her even though she's not really a part of my world anymore, i feel like i was way more equipped to help her out than anyone else in that environment. like i was the only one with experience not only with an eating disorder but with anxiety and panic attacks too, but nobody listened to my advice because they all legit had the opinion that "boys don't know emotions / eating disorders / body image issues very well/it's a girl problem, you wouldn't understand" instead they literally just told her she should eat more. that's it. "no, eat more! i told you to so it'll fix it. trust me you're pretty so eat" that's not how you fucking cure anorexia get fuckt oh sorry i digressed but im still a bit angry about that!! at least they listened to my advice on panic attacks tho bc i was demonstrably having them all the time
but yeah it was basically through the counselor that i even let myself face the fact that anorexia was what it was, and that my experiences and the shit that happened to me did actually happen to me and i have to put importance on it myself i can't just be like "well i basically didn't eat solids in my high school years but that's just a thing that happened with no significance or lasting effect whatsoever"
opening up to my counselor since getting back from spain has been very different. and also very difficult ahh shit, man it's so dumb that there's even a stigma with seeing a counselor what a fucked up situation
thanks for believing in me though.
when i don't believe in myself myself, i'll believe in the you that believes in me!
<3 again
opening up and talking about this stuff is weird and i feel weird about it
its ok man. weird is lots of times good and ok. or its just weird. either way its not bad? doesnt have to be?
you know what's weird?
our planet. and nature. and coincidences.
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