An Update

It's been a while since I've been in contact, and I've decided it's about time I address a few things. The first will be what I've been up to since the last time I saw everyone, and the second will be about the position I understand I've put myself in with you guys.

First thing's first, my life. Around March or so I made the conscious decision to move my family's farm, as I felt I was getting nowhere with city life and that I would probably be much better suited to the country atmosphere. I've still not "officially" moved and I've been in a kind of locational limbo, but despite this I've tried to make the most of my time here. For the first few weeks I basically did nothing but settle in and get all of the ridiculous stress I've been experiencing out of my system. It was kinda rough, because there was a lot of shit in my head to deal with, but over time I've begun to feel more at ease with my own thoughts and feelings. There was a lot of emotional movies watched, I'll freely admit.
During this time also I've been reevaluating my motives, my relationships, and pretty much just what it is that I want out of life. I've patched up a lot within my family, as well as learn to see them in lights I haven't seen them in before. There's also been a few really huge events within the family itself while I've been here, so even just within the people who I'm surrounded by every day a lot has changed.
Outside of that, most of my time is taken up by reading, writing, drawing, going for walks, watching films and doing odd jobs around the property. I've learnt a fuckton about myself, things which I would've never imagined were true in a million years, and while it's been difficult I ultimately hope it's been for the better. I've come to become more buddhist than I've ever been, and during this time I've started speaking to a therapist who is finally able to get to the bottom of my issues.
So far I haven't met anyone down here, but the internet keeps me occupied and I'm sure I'll meet people once I'm ready.

Now, onto the second part. While I've never been the most engaged Blackheath member in the past, I also understand that I've put distance between me and its members due to past actions. To this, I want to say I'm truly sorry. Almost painfully so. What I did to one of you is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever done in my life, and not a day goes by where it doesn't weigh on my conscious in some way. The fact that I could betray the trust the way I did of someone who means so much to me will be with me for the rest of my life. If I could take back that decision, and all other decisions I have made to hurt my friends, I would do so in a heartbeat.
I know I'm not the most open or approachable person. I know I've done things that have weirded or creeped you guys out. They weirded and creeped me out too.
I know I have fucked up, and I've done things that hurt people needlessly. I will accept full responsibility for any of this pain or confusion I have caused.
Because even if it might not seem like it from the way I've acted, all of you mean so much to me. In a world where I've always felt incredibly alone, you took me in, and gave me a sense of place and friendship that I didn't feel I deserved. I know so well that each one of you is a bright, creative, passionate young soul, which makes my mistakes all the more worse.
I am not asking for forgiveness, only the chance to voice my apologies, because it is truly deserved.

If it means anything, I will say that I hope all of you are doing well and looking after yourselves, no matter what challenges are facing you. Please, take care, and don't let the pressures of life make you believe that you are not worth the effort. If there's one thing I've had to learn, it's that each and every person deserves all the freedom and peace in the world.