These past few months have been like this massive psychological personal evaluation. Not in a bad way, but in a constructive, why is this happening? what is going wrong here? what can I do to change this? I guess it was something I really needed, and it's actually a good thing for me, but I realise it kinda goes on behind the scenes.
So like one of the things is like time management/self-discipline.
Like I can make it to things on time, and I'm trying to get better, but it's like self-discipline is a massive weak point for me, in many different ways. It has been for ages.
And there's like this thing that I know I should be better at it, and be more self-disciplined but it's like immediate gratification wins over long-term pay-off each time every time. Even with the most simple shit like going to bed, where I know I should just stop reading or watching tv and sleep, and I am getting better at it. but like sometimes it just goes out the window, and sure enough the next day is a mess.
A lot of the time, fixing it, being self-disciplined, just involves making a firm decision, but like sometimes, it's hard to do that, or like I'll compromise, and it never works.
It's like one of those adult things that, I know I really need to learn, or maybe not even learn, but like try to manage my own lack of self-discipline, and that constant uphill battle.
And then there's like pretending that I understand shit that I don't.
It has been the most freeing experience giving up that shit. I do not know the meaning of a lot of words, I don't know what some things in my courses mean and admitting that is the only way I'm going to learn.
I used to pretend I knew stuff, and like it was all ok, and I would skimp on stuff in my notes, and be like, I'll sort it out later. No. I realised, when I started reteaching myself French, that by doing that, the only person inconvenienced by that attitude is me. No-one's gonna care if I skimp on my learning. And like it's the same with the words and the uni concepts, pretending I understood, was only hurting my learning. I have to commit to knowing and learning. And sometimes it doesn't matter if I don't know what hegemony means but like if it was in a journal article, then pretending I know, was only gonna confuse me. Maybe that's just a personal thing, but finding out, it's ok to not understand, and to then seek help, was a pretty big break through.
There's also the not running away from things, which is like a massive thing.
I'm not gonna go into detail but basically, I have an impulse to run away from things which I find difficult, and I'll be honest, I basically collapsed my life doing this, like this is probably a big reason for the University failure, and all the other shit. That's not even an exaggeration.
I struggle dealing with situations which are emotionally challenging, and it's partially anxiety, but there's other stuff there which is about a lack of emotional development.
Anyway, I'm trying to deal with that, which is fucking hard. In fact, it's the main reason for the personal evaluation, because I don't want to run away again, but some situations are just not easy to deal with. (At this point, I'll ask you refrain from saying I get that, unless you genuinely do know what I mean; that compulsion to run away is universal but like I get to a point, where that is the only option, if that makes sense. And logically I know, I could do other shit, but I just can't, no ifs ands or buts, running away is all I have. That's what it is.) Point is, I'm trying to not run away, which is kinda difficult and means a lot of emotional management.
There are more things, but it's that sort of thing that has really been interesting to learn about my own patterns of thought. And some of the shit I realised, was really toxic to think, like I don't deserve my own malice, and I can do this shit. I also have seen/will see professionals that help me understand and manage these issues, but realising they were issues in the first place, is a thing that's like hard to do, so if you're still struggling at any point, I get that and I'm here for you.
So like one of the things is like time management/self-discipline.
Like I can make it to things on time, and I'm trying to get better, but it's like self-discipline is a massive weak point for me, in many different ways. It has been for ages.
And there's like this thing that I know I should be better at it, and be more self-disciplined but it's like immediate gratification wins over long-term pay-off each time every time. Even with the most simple shit like going to bed, where I know I should just stop reading or watching tv and sleep, and I am getting better at it. but like sometimes it just goes out the window, and sure enough the next day is a mess.
A lot of the time, fixing it, being self-disciplined, just involves making a firm decision, but like sometimes, it's hard to do that, or like I'll compromise, and it never works.
It's like one of those adult things that, I know I really need to learn, or maybe not even learn, but like try to manage my own lack of self-discipline, and that constant uphill battle.
And then there's like pretending that I understand shit that I don't.
It has been the most freeing experience giving up that shit. I do not know the meaning of a lot of words, I don't know what some things in my courses mean and admitting that is the only way I'm going to learn.
I used to pretend I knew stuff, and like it was all ok, and I would skimp on stuff in my notes, and be like, I'll sort it out later. No. I realised, when I started reteaching myself French, that by doing that, the only person inconvenienced by that attitude is me. No-one's gonna care if I skimp on my learning. And like it's the same with the words and the uni concepts, pretending I understood, was only hurting my learning. I have to commit to knowing and learning. And sometimes it doesn't matter if I don't know what hegemony means but like if it was in a journal article, then pretending I know, was only gonna confuse me. Maybe that's just a personal thing, but finding out, it's ok to not understand, and to then seek help, was a pretty big break through.
There's also the not running away from things, which is like a massive thing.
I'm not gonna go into detail but basically, I have an impulse to run away from things which I find difficult, and I'll be honest, I basically collapsed my life doing this, like this is probably a big reason for the University failure, and all the other shit. That's not even an exaggeration.
I struggle dealing with situations which are emotionally challenging, and it's partially anxiety, but there's other stuff there which is about a lack of emotional development.
Anyway, I'm trying to deal with that, which is fucking hard. In fact, it's the main reason for the personal evaluation, because I don't want to run away again, but some situations are just not easy to deal with. (At this point, I'll ask you refrain from saying I get that, unless you genuinely do know what I mean; that compulsion to run away is universal but like I get to a point, where that is the only option, if that makes sense. And logically I know, I could do other shit, but I just can't, no ifs ands or buts, running away is all I have. That's what it is.) Point is, I'm trying to not run away, which is kinda difficult and means a lot of emotional management.
There are more things, but it's that sort of thing that has really been interesting to learn about my own patterns of thought. And some of the shit I realised, was really toxic to think, like I don't deserve my own malice, and I can do this shit. I also have seen/will see professionals that help me understand and manage these issues, but realising they were issues in the first place, is a thing that's like hard to do, so if you're still struggling at any point, I get that and I'm here for you.
2 comments:
Ahhh mannnn i know exactly what you are talking about... Even that part where i don't understand hegemony. Just wiki'd it... Would have helped for that politics course i did last sem lol..
That's amazing that you're self-disciplining yourself, i should look up to you and do the same, i just have this stigma that if you don't have good study habits you will never have them/ struggle to assimilate.
ya bro i used to be that way about knowing stuff but like i just said, fuck it, i cant help what i dont know. and now im actually pretty proud i of what i dont know.
even if other people be like 'how can you not know that' like dude i cant control what my brain retains to an extent. now i legit google the most stupid things like my internet history is pretty embarassing
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