italians and memes episode something I don't even care about numbers anym

hey guys wanna see a funny internet meme joke

it's in italian but dw I'll give you a frame by frame translation. dw yes I studied italian-english translation and got a HD for it so I like to think I'll do okay at the translation of the joke

PANEL 1
"Given that it's Christmas, I've decided to prepare some special dishes for you tonight"
"Oh yeah? Which dishes?"

PANEL 2
"Those to be washed"

PANEL 3
"Slut"


...wait hang on a minute I don;t get it! This joke isn't... funny at all? I mean I get that there's a pun in the second panel. and that would be okay by itself - let's pretend that Italian society isn't very misogynistic and assume for the benefit of the doubt that this would work equally well in a modern context by swapping who says what - but why the fuck would you include the third panel? what the actual fuck like who writes this shit and who thinks it's okay to write this shit and just be all "ok well i guess what this meme needs is the man to call the woman a whore and tell her to get back in the kitchen"

like what the fuck
the thing that gets me though is that this was a woman who shared it. I used to think she was one of the more progressive people from my class in Italy, she spoke probably the best English and was obsessed with American media. I guess not??

but I mean this basic and frankly disgusting worldview also comes from the same person who shares this: (and in general, many other people who think like her (I know I'm shitty for judging but fuck these backwards types! they'd vote for the libs))

ummm I mean I don't actually speak sardinian but I know enough to probably translate it as:

"Now they start with the photos of the big dinner" (I'm assuming it's christmas dinner) and the page it was shared from, "Mi?nioneddos Sardos", translates as little sardinian minions

that literally has nothing to do with minions except they have put some christmas minions they found from google (see exhibit a)

exhibit a

but that's what italians think the internet is for apparently
not to paint with a broad brush because yeah there are large swathes of just the most basic individuals in just about any community and yeah I mostly know Italians from the towns rather than many from the city so the fact that I consistently see italians posting this crap over aussies or spanish people is entirely due to selection bias but still

what the fuck is this shit

idk I could not live in that country man it has so many problems
but the culture is one of the biggest ones and that's the hardest to change esp seeing as italy is one of the countries with the oldest populations in the world bc of the exodus of young people
and it makes me really sad because there are really fantastic aspects of italian-ness and I hold a really special place in my heart for that country! I'm very familiar with all the ins and outs of italian life and I know it's not all fucked and there are good people but there are also so many more rigid social norms and the people are a lot more willing to just buy into whatever the media says (hence Berlusconi was in power for so long, he owned all the media)
and I'm just really scared of going back there because I don't want to get caught up in all that bs! I'm proud to be australian because of how progressive we mostly are but it's easy to forget that most of the world, especially the non-anglophone parts, is still caught up in mentalities and worldviews that we consider outdated.
the world is a wonderful thing and I'm so glad to be exposed to the myriad of cultures I've been exposed to and I'm glad I've had the opportunity to travel around Italy and Spain and Portugal
but living there.
It just really saddens me that shit like this happens in a country that will always be a part of who I am and has always been a part of my life in some way or another (thanks IGS you dabes)

sorry for not organising my words well this time around ill write some more about new year spirit and how i love you and blah when my hands arent hurting so much

Perceptions

So I've been thinking about making this post for a while but I keep putting it off for reasons, but I'm drunk now and generally feeling good about life so it seems like the right time to do it

Basically, I know you guys are worried about me, and I know you can tell something's up, so this post is gonna be an exposition about all of the stuff I haven't really told anyone about except my close family

The long and the short of it is, I have very weird perceptions of the world. A lot of the time the world doesn't quite feel "real" and seems more like a hologram or an illusion, and such perceptions cause me great distress. For example, I might be driving a car and all of a sudden I'll think "what is driving? Who is it that is driving? Am I really driving?" And while that might not sound so bad, these thoughts actually influence how I experience the world, which makes living a day-to-day life extremely difficult. Also, I'm hyper-aware of people's bodies, to the point that looking at a moving person almost looks like looking at a walking corpse. Even just going to something as basic as a Blackheath Kris Kringle or seeing Star Wars can be an exercise in experiential suffering, as I try to distract myself from how the world looks and how many intrusive thoughts go into my head.

How this came to be I don't really know, it just sort of happened one day and I haven't really been the same since. On top of that, I'm still dealing with a lot of anxiety/depressive thoughts, so my problems are two fold really.

The word most accurately describing these experiences is depersonalisation, so if you want to know more about it look into that. As for what I'm doing about it, I'm currently seeing one psychiatrist but early next year I'll be seeing another who is apparently world-renowned and is the psychiatrist that other psychiatrists see for their own issues, so I remain very optimistic about the care I get. Also, I'm getting huge support from my family (and my friends!!) which has been incredibly helpful for my mood and is slowly paying off, so my support network is definitely there and will be there for as long as I need it. If you guys want to talk to me about it or have any questions, feel free to contact me and I'll be more than happy to respond.

And finally, on a lighter note, here's the song I've currently been jamming to

oooofftttt

I'm having... the worst headache i've hard in the past 5 years. ooofffffftttttttt The light on the computer hurts my head and I have an exam in 10 hours. ooh oooohh oohhhhhh

Whoa

I feel a lot better... Ranting here and to several people online + the combination of sleeping it off really works for me haha

I can't sleep right now, here's why:

The fucking cunts.

So i had to finish work a couple hours early today, as my phone has not been registering my SIM card I cannot recieve any orders (let alone anything). On the way home, I was about to turn left early to just go by a different route, instead I thought i wouldn't fuck around and just go the busy road as it's shorter and less lights.
RBT.

I was fine, if anything I was scared they'd catch me for weed. But this time, my P plate had fallen off and naturally they didn't believe my story that a lady had crashed into me and the frame that i usually use had broken off (which was true too).

Now worst case scenario, which has the highest percentage, I am going to lose my license and pay 200 dollars to the fucked up system. I need this:

FUCK EVERYTHING. Fuck them, fuck this city and it's dumbass rules! FUCK man! I try to be good, working 7 days in a row to earn money like a good fucking citizen, and now just because my P plate fell off I am treated like I have just assaulted a person and attempted to gauge out their eyes, which by the way I wouldn't have minded doing to someone.

I got home, I am so frustrated that I took that way home, that it was all so avoidable if I'd just taken one early turn.

Then i got thinking about the system. That cop is the grim reaper of society. He has to tell people constantly what the fuck the system tells him is wrong ALL THE TIME. His very existence is to punish people, and he doesn't even probably understand how fucking avoidable all that sadness is. The same goes to my parking ticket (parked in a loading zone, as I'm a delivery company contracter I thought I had gained the right to load my vehicle with delivery goods, but NUP)... This guy had just given me the ticket, I told him my whole story and then the look of regret and sadness on his face was so intense I just had to feel sorry for the bugger. That's his life. He works for a system that allegedly creates 'criminals' out of shitty fucking minor situations like these.... WHAT IS THE POINT. Why are they taking my money ALONG WITH MY LICENSE.

You do that to a kid man! "No allowance for a week!" "You're grounded!" Yeah, great, let's just treat our people like kids and maybe they'll love us even more.

Like fuck man. I'm already insecure about a lot of other things, but now I feel just as shitty in this society.

Fuck them. Fuck this. Fuck it all. The governments way of thinking is only a one way road up their rectum and into the next politician's dirty fucking mouth. They get off on this shit, they fucking love it and can't book enough people on the roads. I would not be surprised to find speed cameras on every corner of the city, that'd be an orgy for the elected party; shit everywhere, shit coming out of their mouths, shit connected to their ear pieces, shit on the tv's when they air, and money coming out of their penises and vaginas when they climax at the ridiculous figures of tax and money that they avoid, and that they cheat of the working populace.

I'm fed up.

I can't sleep, I need to cause I need to buy christmas gifts for my family tomorrow before I start work. I skipped dinner again, cause all these stupid fines are one step forward two steps back in my financial life right now.

And yes, of course I have the obedience to recognise my mistakes. I fucked up, I know it. There are clear rules there, and I disobeyed them for the shortest possible time, but still enough to be noticed.

I'm starting to think the criminal life is calling to me. Joining the mafia lifestyle would be great for me. Or maybe just selling illicit substances.

Tbh I would love to join the army, but can't cause of weed. And also fuck the army. Sure it's a paradise for idiots; getting paid to be trained from how to shave to how to wield weapons for your country. But I never thought of myself as a citizen of this country anyway. My brothers bullied me and teased me that I was adopted when I was a kid, and believing it wasn't that hard when you've got my dark skin in a white ass family.

I seriously am disliking it here more and more. And not just here, everywhere. Wherever humans in high densities lie, I just don't think I can cope with the intricate systems made of bullshit all the time. And money, heh, don't even get me started on that.

Anyway, i'll try to sleep again...

I look like the biggest terrorist by this post, but if you have the right perspective you'll realise that it's probably applicable to an experience of your own life too.

When will the time come that we can fix all this?

Good things in life

today was a good day.
I went to work where I was scheduled to do a 4 hour shift but that became an 8 hour one, which was the best thing.

On the way home, walking through my park, i saw the CUTEST DOG
like it was amazing
and and and it fully ran up to me and rolled on its back, knowing that i would give it belly rubs
it was the greatest thing
also the dog was being walked by highschool girl dog walkers. THEY GET PAID TO PLAY WITH DOGS
why didnt I do that
it was a kelpie btw
But seriously I need one

and then when I reached the entrance to my house, there was this ridiculously attractive french lady with a mad french accent in motorcycle gear. so obviously i start talking to her and found out she rides a kawasaki but seriously she looked like she belonged in a disney movie. idk for some reason this is a good thing to happen to me. idk.

anyway.
yeah..
gewd vybez
dogs

The internet is the worst / stupid people speak the loudest

goddamn

the amount of negativity and ignorance in the comments sections of articles continue to anger me
i mean it shouldnt be unexpected and it should be easy to ignore,but man.

is this why not everyone gets a voice because the public is stupid
ok
they're not stupid
just the stupid ones talk so much
and so loud
and we listen to them
and we respond to them
those are some badly allocated fucks that we give out

so, lots of time on reddit, you'll get those times where someone's like
'oh my bad i see why that's problematic now, sorry for my ignorance, thanks guys'

but most of the time, people say stuff and don't want to change their mind
they just want to hear their own thoughts
and nothing you say or do, with whatever intention
will change that

i googled 'asian with cornrows cultural appropriation'
im seriously considering getting some braids but need to figure out if its ok
idk maybe i'll find people of african descent on the internet and ask them directly what they think

there was very little info about asians and african hairstyles and whether that's inappropriate (there was like one article about kpop which was legit and the artists werent just wearing the hair, they were acting 'thuggish' and flat out using a culture as a costume). But obvi there was a lot about white people using these styles

and the sheer ignorance. omg.
white people trying to call out black people who dye their hair blond
like its the same thing
omg
i mean
wow

anyway. there was so much stupid and long back and forth comments of people trying to educate each other. I don't know why i read the damn comments, like people are so ignorant
its always ok to have an unpopular opinion but its not ok to have an irresponsible perspective.

it was actually pretty gross like one of the stupid jenners had cornrows, and thats cool man, i can dig that
but then they were like 'edgy' 'urban' 'new' 'next level'
liek people have been rockin that in BC times. i just think thats really bad, like saying its a new style, like it disregards the history and shit.

anyway. rant again.
i really want braids.
is it ok
i dont know.

That feel when your friends ask you to come out for drinks

But then you go home to watch the new episode of top model

also new digimon adventure tri series is out with all the original characters.
in all new amazing high quality animation

Ahhhh it's so good that it's holidays.

We can just do what we want, string free

Fun fact

TIL Hannah montana's birth name was

Destiny Hope Cyrus

but then in 2008 it got literally changed to Miley because apparently her nickname was 'smiley' (she was 16 then)

thats how she became miley ray cyrus

isnt that weird

like people referred to her as 'Destiny' for more than 10 years of her life

idk im pretty weirded out

ok celebrities are lame

bye

This may be obvious but still worth mentioning

The subtle art of not giving a fuck


i dont know about you but i give wayy too many fucks about stuff that doesnt deserve my fucks.
it makes life harder than it needs to be,
even when i say shit like 'yeah man i just dont give a fuck'
I do.
I really do,
Thinking objectively

daily reminder:
fucks are precious
be selective when we give them out
or we'll fuck ourselves over

my new favorite genre is future

it's sorta flume's genre i guess?

esp his incredible tennis courts remix (holy shit that's a good remix)

here is another song i like

You know those lil tomato seeds in your garden? They're alive

i changed rooms to avoid hearing the couple behind me fucking all the time

at least the couple next door to me now keeps the radio on all night so that i dont hear the fucking

Also you know that feeling

when like you have a good time with a bunch of great people

and then when you leave
you cant carry on the feeling
like you get paranoid that they dont actually like you
and they're gonna talk about you after you've gone

i feel like the feeling isnt real but why does it feel so real

Guys guys

Finally
The day has arrived.
It has been long overdue but finally the wait is over
No longer will I have this burden weighing over me
Today
I will be free.
Today
I shall ponder over one less thing
Today
I
Have
Received
my lunch box.

Yesterday, in my absence
the lunch thief approached my ol mate Barnaby
quietly handed him the lunch box
I think this is your friend's. I'm terribly sorry

It took awhile but the melodrama has been met with success.

I am free

also i handed in my thesis

Man it's just different

It's like i woke up on the right side of the bed, i get like this. It's a surge of happiness, and if i get too excited the rollercoaster down to how i was before will be really low; so i have to limit how happy i feel, but for the most part it's great. Problems seem solvable, things that i'm stressing about aren't as dire and solutions on how to tackle them are visible. Does anyone else have that? As annoying as it is, it's great haha.

Too good *edit* they will never remove it muahaha

Thougts

I'm just going to write about what I think. Don't reply to this if you think the same; however if you never thought of/have a different opinion go for it.

There is no meaning to life; however it is very human to search for one.

Our consciousness thrives on emotion, slightly greedy bias to ourselves and hopes to enhance our own experience, however makes exception to those who we care about or wish to gain more from.

Nothing can't be avoided, as we are a part of it. "In the end it doesn't even matter," however we still try to make everything something, because for some reason if there wasn't anything to try for then why are we here. (back to point 1)

The more I pretend to care and get involved in things, the more time flies I notice; and actually end up caring.

Fuck man... Like we're gone in less than 70 years probably. That's it, no one knows what's after and that's the best part of the game in my opinion. When you're asleep you don't even notice it, there's a solid 7 hours in an 8 hour sleep of you not knowing. Life has rules of survivability, which albeit have become very easy in our generation and growing in the coming one's... That's pretty much it though, we just have to survive for some reason, and teach and reproduce more to do the same until judgement day brings our extinction like the rest; to what ends..

The buildings might get taller, the people larger or the earth smaller... How many people realise this now, and how many people care to do something about our current death run atm.. ?

I really hope i'm right in that our conscience right now is just a game to some better being; a form of entertainments equivalent to a fiction novel in our worlds.

I don't know what I want to do. I don't know much, and am even still trying to know myself; and I know that even if people out there think they have it figured out they are wrong.

Uniting the world would be great.... Wouldn't it?

It's literally been a month

So I actually confronted the guy.

I explained to him that I was not asking him to do me a favor.

That I did not request for him to produce to me what was taken and consumed (the lunch)

But just the vessel that contained it

The vessel that is rightfully my own property

I get it

It's just a lunch box

but it's mine and my choice that I have it

I did not consent to him eating my food

and if it was an accident, which I do believe it was truly not,

who cares

any decent human being would return a stolen item that they have admitted to possessing

I literally yelled and swore at him

He promised me money in the event that he had forgotten again

and yet I have not seen him

I swear he is now hiding

I said, 'Dude just bring it for me tomorrow. last day'

and he said 'I might forget again'

This motherfucker has like a doctorate in Medicine or something

He's a fucking lab demonstrator

surely he is not stupid nor forgetful

and he was like 

"im sorry I've been busy"

Yeah wtf motherfucker we all have been

And the whole level knows of him and what he's done. everyone is referring to him as the lunch thief.

He said monday

He fucking said monday

Literally I have other supervisors suggesting that they report him and threaten him with unemployment because his present actions have demonstrated to be a form of misconduct

why

this is the biggest melodrama ever

and he's just dragging it out

He stole my lunch

and he says he definitely has my lunchbox (pretty sure he's lying about that)

and all he has to do is write it on his hand and remember it one day

has he no remorse

I do not understand.

This is not ok.

Confession: I have been confined to a bed for 2 days.

Being sick is really weird. and like I feel like I talk about it a lot at these points when I'm going through a flare, and I think it's hard for most people who aren't sick to grasp, this is my every day. 

I don't get a day off from this. I mean it's always there, it's been there for 2 years. I feel kinda bad talking about it so much when  it's a flare but it's just so much part of my life. Today, I literally can't get out of bed. I fucking want to do painting and uni work but I can't. Yesterday, I got up, got a migraine or bad headache and went back to bed. I wish this wasn't a thing I had to go through, but it is.

Going on from that, I feel kinda guilty every time I talk about being sick, I second guess myself contiuously posting stuff about it on the chat, it always feels like a taboo subject. Like periods. I even feel weird saying I'm sick but that's what I am, sucks but hey, I literally can't get out of bed today without getting a shit headache and I have shitty chest pain.

And that sucks. Like the periods thing as well, but the illness thing because my life is fucking shit at the moment. I mean I am trying to get a job but I'm also wondering if I can function like a normal human being. 

When you're sick, it's like the good days might mean everything is fine, like I can still see visual snow and trails but I can function. And then there are also the bad days, like yesterday and today and thinking about it, probably tomorrow. No matter how well I eat or  how much water I drink, how little coffee I drink or how much alcohol I do, how many pills I take, there are always fluctuations. 

I've been thinking about the upcoming appointment with the Neurologist , maybe I'll be diagnosed with something shit. It sounds weird to say it but to me that would be a slight relief. At least then I'd have something tangible to go, this is what I have, this is what can be done, this is what's likely to happen. It sounds strange, but the worst thing for me would be going in there and someone saying, we still don't know or, you just have weird migraines. I am so sick of not knowing what's going on. It's so intangible for me, I can't deal with it, it's just a constant state of transition, flare and not flare.

I don't want to hear people's opinions on it 'just being migraines' again. I can't deal with  that shit continuously, because most of the time they literally have no idea what they are talking about. Oh wow, one time you were in pain? that's totally not like being sick for 2 years. I'm just so done with that. I have given my full allotment of fucks for that. All I really want to hear, is 'that sucks, I'm sorry, we care about you' although maybe not so overtly, not 'I knew someone who had something kinda not really similar and they are fine now', it's just not helpful, or re-assuring at all. 

Oh and at the end of all this, my dad said to my mum 'I didn't mean, I don't believe the neurologist, I just mean the neurologist shouldn't tell Emily, what the possibilities of her condition are, it might scare her'. Yeah thanks Dad, I'm a child who can't deal with the ramifications of being sick. You don't need to protect me, you need to support me and tell me you care, and that's it. That's literally all you have to do. I can deal with the possibilities of my condition, you're mistrust of the neurologist makes my life way more difficult than hearing things I actually need to know. I don't want to be kept in the dark like an 8 year old, christ. 

Ok this turned into a rant. I'm kinda sorry, but also I needed to say this stuff to you guys and in general.

pls take some time to be mesmerized by some urinary tract infection causing bacteria

proteus mirabilis
each line is one cell about 1 micron in width and like around 20 microns long?
but look how they move together and shit

It's that mood again

I can't get it off my mind. Is everything we see, all the things that we use in our everyday lives... Are they there because someone invented it for convenience of themselves and other people, or because if they didn't make these things then their world would be ended. The water filter i use, my headphones, the mirror on the wall; why is it they exist exactly. How much of this world is materially existent and how much is necessary.

I wish I was normal to the point that i had a partner, posted and liked things on facebook for them and recieve the same on my daily updates; that i work a 9-5 job happily to come home and talk about nothing and maybe save up for a house or a holiday somewhere; that problems outside of my own little world existed in a corner of my mind i openly choose not to understand and further expand. That is, i wish i knew no other way i spose.

There's just so much happening, everywhere. Why the hell do i keep taking on the burden of it all, and see all that i'm doing right now as utterly useless. I don't really believe in money even, sure as a means of trade of services it's a highly appropriate system; but since when did it dictate how i should slave my life away to it, forever bound to debts that will become motivation for sentiment of family or relationships.

I'm such a fucking uni student right now. Activism, 'out of the box' thinking, world views and such.

It's just so stupid, everything. So many problems are so logically easy to solve, but illogically occur day to day. Talk of regulation, and belief in its perfection; but admittance of small illegalities that benefit our greedy nature.

Wtf even is this world man. No, that is wrong, the world is fine; wtf even is humanity. It seems the larger we get, the more douchebags become created and lead the people into falsifiable outcomes.

I don't want to sleep, rest or stop thinking about it. But i know i have to. If i don't, who knows what'll happen to me. Will i leave home and start living a 'criminal' life because my beliefs are different and start stealing from people and taking away to survive. Alone i can't do anything, and organising a massive group in the first place is near impossible. As long as I had the right team i'm sure i'd be able to conquer these thoughts.. but fuck how far would it really get us? We'd have to play the game of law, which we know is impossible to win because it's a monopoly game with the other player owning the bank, rule sheet, and every property on the board. Can players break the rules legally?

I'm kinda over life's game. I don't want to live in this way of thinking. I'll say it again, i really don't want to live like this anymore. I'm not suicidal, just sick of life, nothingness is ok right?

I don't even know what to think anymore. Maybe i should stop thinking like the rest

Russian vocab- Toska

Definition-ish:
No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.

Now listen to the word toska. Can you feel anything about it?

I think I am kind of toska right now

I don't even watch this but

i feel like i've seen so much by this very generic 13 minutes of anime, gotta love it!

so i went to a joan miro exhibition here

guys i went to see a miro exhibit but it was a bunch of his b-sides and they put it in a church hall
unfortunately like the church was super fancy as all the fucking churches in europe
you know all these gilt statues of like. jesus and whatever made of marble and incredibly done,
so then when you look at the actual art they are showcasing. most of it was kinda dumbb
it was all legit completely blank white canvas, a couple of thick black lines
maybe a red circle too

the thing is i wanted to show you guys but there was no photos as a rule.
right so i was like "ok when i get home im gonna look up these images and post them to jrs"
anyway i got home and did that but nope lol
not even searching by name got me any of the artworks in google images and tbh i'm kinda doubting that they were even his works though
seriously?? like is that it. did i trek it out all the way to this church/museum on the other side of the city just to look at a bunch of rejects the miro foundation (all artists have foundations right?) could lend out? i guess i really will just have to go to a bigger (read: actual) city like madrid or barcellona if i wanna see real famous art

his art is usually so good tho!
even looking through google images the art there is way better than what they had
like even his b-sides are probably worth a lot right??
pretty much context makes art.
which is really fucking dumb!! i think that an artist's reputation should be less of a factor in determining the value (monetary and aesthetic) of an artwork
once you've made yourself a name as an artist your works sell for way more, regardless of the quality of the work.
i mean yes there's a difference between an authentic master artist's work and an imitator, so of course the price should be different? but not at the lowest rungs imo

anyway im sick and im gonna go put off my responsibilities and have a coffee and play some yugioh for ds now. that sounds good to me rn. bye

Procrastinating ft people opening up

Hey nakama.
So, recently, I've come across a few experiences of people opening up and talking about deep feels they have within them. And I mean specifically from people I don't know very well. So obviously I won't name them but some of the stories are pretty intense, I'm going to use this example so you know what I mean

Basically, this person, I'll call them Eight, was talking about being young and finding themselves.
So Eight is a dude of asian background. And his story is about when he was younger, he fell in love with a girl. We'll call her Nine. Their relationship was easy and natural and he super was deep into it.
Unfortunately, due to the class system that exists in the asian clan structure (im sorry i dont mean that but you know what I mean), the girl was taken from him and even returned to her original country, arranged to marry another man of the 'right' class.

Eight spent the next 8 years of his life just working and partying, but he did not see or experience anyone else. Meanwhile, Nine and husband were raising a baby girl. Nine and Eight were still in contact, although they were very distant

He then met another woman, who was also of his class and 3/4 of his race. They fell in love and got married. I'll call her Ten. One day, Nine contacts Eight. She has news for him, news that she had known all along. The girl she had been raising, who was eight years old then, actually belonged to him. He had a daughter in a different country, who he had never met, who was not revealed to be his until eight years later.  Since then he has met his daughter a few times, only to be introduced as Nine's old friend from school and addressed as 'uncle'.

Eight now has 2 other children with his present wife, She is uncomfortable with Nine, because of her past relationship with Eight. Neither she nor the children know of Eight's daughter with Nine. And apparently Nine's husband doesn't know that he is raising a child that is not biologically his. Eight says that only his mom and Nine knows, and now I know. In fact im unsure if i should even be posting this. But Eight didnt make me promise not to tell anyone.

He is afraid that if he exposes the truth that his current wife will not understand, that it will affect his other children, that Nine's family will disown her for bearing the child of a 'lower class' status. and how Nine's husband would respond. So I don't understand how the 'new' husband hasnt figured it out, i'm assuming he wouldve thought the pregnancy was shorter than normal. But Eight says that apparently his genes arnt too strong and I guess they're all asian..?? (sorry political incorrectness)

Anyway, the daughter is 19 now and Eight says he misses her terribly and is struggling with living a lie. he also misses Nine and he feels guilty keeping a secret from them but he couldnt help not knowing about his daughter until he was in another relationship. The truth will probably come out soon. He says that he has a feeling that his daughter has an idea that she is his

Anyway, I've met Eight around 3 times and had like 2 proper conversations with him... like what an intense thing to express to a stranger. To be completely honest, I feel like maybe I'm not the only one he has opened up to, and I'm learning a lot about people and what they say and what to believe. This is following another person telling me about his deep feels regarding a love interest and saying that i cant tell anyone.
but i later found out that everybody knows. Like is that a thing people do? like make you feel 'special' by telling you a 'secret' to establish a bond? Obviously not all cases are the same, but this has happened a couple of times

And when you read stuff like 'Humans of New York' and learn about super personal stuff of strangers. Like people just open up so easily when they have the avenue to. Maybe its not knowing so much about a person that allows us to open up. Its not having the burden of always seeing them or thinking too much about what they think of us, because so far they dont know anything about us.

And I can relate to this i suppose. Like when you know more of someone that makes you trust them less. A its easy to tell strangers stuff you meet on a one-off cause it doesnt really come back to haunt you. Its so strange that we have thoughts about us that hurt us when they leave our heads, or get in the wrong hands.There are definitely occasions where I would take back what I've told someone, had I known them like I do now. To take back the information I've shared. and not because they have released it or anything, just because of my changed perception of them. Like now I don't think they can understand what I meant at that time and are now misinterpreting it. Or also in a sense that I feel that they're not worthy of possessing my information.

An unfortunate event

So
Of all days for my phone charger cord to stop working.

On the evening following the acquiring of the lunch thief's phone number, my phone charger decides to malfunction.
As a result, I was remind the lunch thief through telecommunication the next morning. At around 3'o clock that day, I had finally managed to charge my phone for the first time

Unfortunately, and this is through fault of my own and my own only, the number had rubbed off my hand by this point.

No I did not have the sense to transcribe the digits onto a more permanent document medium.

Still no lunch box.

fer fucks sake.

Quick Upderp

Day 10283

Still no lunchbox
Yesterday I asked him for his number so I could text him to remind him to bring it
At the same time, my phone runs out of battery and my charging cable stopped working

I am unable to conduct my reminder
I feel like he doesn't have it
I feel like he threw it out to hide the evidence, thinking that he had gotten away with it.

It's not over yet.

Lunch thief update

Saw him yesterday
everyone did
and everyone knows who he is
what he has done

so i call over
'Yo. do you have my lunchbox'

He's already 3 days late

'oh uh sorry i forgot. when are you gonna be in next'

you bitch ass. literally you had one thing to do to make up for stealing my food. my ass you forgot you shady little bitch ass

'I'm here everyday.'

hot girl friend Ellen be like 'Yeah. we're literally here. all the time'

he says he'll bring it on monday.
bitch ass do you not realize what a big deal this is.

so im like 'ok'

and more people enter the room, eyes darting towards him

'hui'
they whisper
'it's that guy'

I know. Everyone knows. and we're here. 24/7.. nowhere to run... nowhere to hide...

To be continued...

Confronted my lunch thief

and i was super nice.
so  this was yesterday
he said he would bring back my lunchbox today

he has not.
its 6pm
he has not been here all day that fuck.
im not gonna be nice tomorrow

did i tell you guys that some bitch ass motherfucker stole my lunch at uni

like it was in the communal fridge (I put it there in the morning)
and then i went to get it at 4pm, super hungry by this point
it is not where I left it (behind my up&go)
I search the whole fridge
I search the fridge next to it
It is not anywhere
I lose my shit
I go to the communal table and ask if anyone's seen it
'Are you sure you havnt already eaten it'
'Are you sure you packed it today'

bitch ass motherfuckers

so anyway, I'm like describing the container.
I see a dude get up off the sofa holding an empty container identical to mine (he walks to elevator and doesnt even wash it at the sink)
I get ideas
no wait hui he probably has the same container, it's pretty common

Nay be like 'yo was there a chicken drumstick in your box' She caught him gnawing off a bone minutes ago.
And we both sniff the air
the distinct scent of singaporean chicken curry is lingering in our vicinity
Other friend Nina says she saw him eat rice and leaves out of the container earlier on
From my previous raid of the fridge, I have verified that no other lunch box present resembled mine. There could not have been a mistaking of identical lunch boxes.
Also the meal had to be heated up and consumed, 2 events that would have brought to light that the food was indeed not what anyone else had prepared that day.

Goddamn motherfucker ate my lunch. Stole it. and stole my container. Went through the fridge, opened up a plastic bag, heated it up and ate it. I consumed packet miso soup instead. after 6 hours of not eating I only have miso soup for lunch. Instead of the delicious complete meal I went to the effort of assembling that morning
This was last wednesday.

So I've basically told the whole building about it. Trying to make everyone turn on this dude. He doesnt even belong on this level. Like he just comes here and uses our lounge area. I'm pretty sure he's a member of teaching staff. Also he's a grown ass man

So since last thursday, I've been looking out for this guy. My anger growing each day.
I just want my container cleaned and returned

Tuesday this week: It's 5.30pm, I have left the building. Claire and a few others have not. They see the food thief enter the common area. Claire confronts thief (doesn't do a very good job)

"So last week" she says (paraphased obviously) "Did you eat a yellow chicken curry that had a drumstick in it and some rice in a container that was clear with a blue lid"

"No I did not, it also had potatoes in it. I didn't eat that'

Of course it had potatoes in it you motherfucker. Its a singaporean curry you bastard.

Anyway he apparently denied it and insisted it was not the meal Claire had described. But wait. She didnt even mention what day last week it was.

Motherfucker knew which day she was talking about
Motherfucker is aware of his actions. Appaz he kept a shady smirk on his face the whole time
The confrontation concludes and he rummages through the fridge. Before not taking out anything. probably sussing out what else he can scavenge

Anyway she returns awkwardly to the cohort where everyone's like 'What else were you expecting him to say'

Anyway it's been more than a week since the incident. I'm still looking out for the shithat. I've also grown more insane each day. I've brought another container like the one he stole. I'm going to ask him where he bought it from. I'm going to ask him if like me, it was bought from Aldi. Then I'm going to say I did not buy it from aldi. I'm gonna catch him in a lie. I'm going to expose him. I'm going to generate mistrust against him from everyone. He will get it. He's gonna learn he messed with the wrong honours student.

This is exactly the kind of shit that would only happen to me out of everyone
I'm going to hunt him down

hi
anyone home

hip-hop internacional episode 2: proyecto F3P / bronko yotte

so last time in my newly recurring segment "hip-hop international" in which i talk about the international hip hop shit i'm into, I talked about soprano the rapper francais who is really cool.

here's episode 2: F3P
F3P is a collaborative effort between a bunch of south american rappers, I think mostly from Chile (ZONORA POINT / JONAS SANCHE / BRONKO YOTTE / EMONE SKILLZ /KSNFAM / ARTBIZ, just to copypaste from the soundcloud page). It's a 22 (or 23?!) track EP with awesome songs like these:



but the best thing is the individual rappers themselves of this collective are heaps good!
here is a song in particular by bronko yotte which I can't stop listening to, it's so chill~ also it's strange hearing rap in spanish with more of an english-language style flow. it's interesting!



the end

Anime songs man

i get so many feels
anime songs are the greatest.

im having a panic attack

i don't know what i'm doing.
i just feel really anxious and paranoid like the past few weeks
like i don't know if i really want to be doing science
this is such a drag.
i just constantly feel like a disappointment and this isnt fun anymore
i'm not doing anything i feel i'm good at.
i just want this to be over
i think everyone's looking at me like i'm an idiot
i think people don't understand why i'm here
and neither do i
i feel super awkward around everyone
i'm like 200x less confident here and less sure of myself
i don't feel like im as into this or as intelligent as everyone else
i keep comforting myself by saying shit like 'at least i can draw' to myself
that isnt gonna help me do good here
i dont know.
i dont know what to do
i cant tell anyone here
i feel like im a waste of money
im just not gonna get this
i need to stop being so negative
i want to punch a wall

Guys

It is only in dating, that I realise how truly picky I am. Which is extremely picky btw, like almost excessively so. I'm just like, nope at such little things. 

I just posted on chat, but i'll say it here

So, i just looked at my uni results and saw that i passed a subject, which i was 100% certain would be my first fail in education history.... I prepared my mind that I'd have to do an extra subject in future to balance it out and would have to break my no fail streak but fuck you uni! I done did it ( ^3^)~<3

Also i really liked the subject (Japanese history) except my essay writing skills are still at the elementary level so proving that was difficult.

I hope you all did/go well, blackheath!!!

Peace

gerenuk's are weird

I mean look at them! they can stand on 2 legs like people and bears.

Gerenuks are also known as Waller's gazelle


Look at them!! Using their hooves to do tree leaf things together all like 'hey therese did you see yo boy silas with that new gazelle whatshername with that long neck of hers. girl you better watch out like'

I came across this screenshot in my my images folder, labeled "life is pain"

Everything about this hurts

super awkward sardinian music video

like seriously this thing is super awkward especially with the old guy. but still. props to them for making a song in sardo

fort minor's back w/ a sick interactive video thing

or at least for one song. but yeah check it he did a 360 degree music video and its super cool (or at least if i used chrome id say that. thanks youtube for pulling an ie)

Religion

Haven't posted in a while so I figured I might as well dump some of my thoughts.

This is something I don't let on to many people but basically I'm a very religious person. Not religious in the "this is my creed and this is what I believe" kind of way, but more in the "there is definitely something out there and we need to recognise this fact if we want to live full lives" of way. I don't use the world spiritual because even though it technically is closer to that definition, it diminishes and gives the wrong impression of the feelings I have; it's kinda like, if I had been raised a Christian, I would 100% be a Christian today.

Anyway, moving on. What I wanna preach is that I feel like we in the West have lost something very important when we moved on from widespread spirituality. I mean, I can see why we did it. On the surface religion appears to offer little outside of explaining the world to people who have no other way of doing so, but with the advance and proliferation of science that role has been usurped. However, when you look deeper, you find it has a whole system of directives and activities that are designed to help you explore and expand your understanding of yourself and your role within the world. Religion isn't meant to be a superficial set of beliefs and ideas that you just have, its meant to be an aide to the deeply personal journey that every single one of us is on.

Take fasting for instance. Superficially it might seem like fasting is a dumb idea and was only made up so priests could justify food shortages to their people, and that its irrelevant in the world today, but when you actually look into it and experience you understand it's about denying the self and getting into closer contact with the stuff you truly value. It helps keep you grounded, helps keep you appreciative. It's a minor challenge designed to force your mind to take a step back from its usual drives and desires and to let your soul gain some of the spotlight.

Then there's the matter of faith itself. I'll admit, I'm still not 100% that there's some other force out there, but if someone pointed a gun at my head and asked do you have faith, the yes-or-no answer would straight away be Yes. And since developing faith, my whole worldview has changed. I now feel like life has purpose more than what I used to, and that just the very act of being is itself something that should be honoured and respected. It's hard to describe, but essentially life is more beautiful in itself, and that's something I didn't have before, and it's something I feel like we're missing as society. Life is now just seen as the fortunate side-effect of chemicals swirling around in the brain; and while that's technically what life is, it's not really what life is, if that makes sense. rational secularism has given us a huge deal in terms of human rights, individual liberties, etc. but it ultimately isn't a replacement for spirituality (nor should it be, but that's for another time.) When you try to deconstruct everything down into digested, rational terms, you often miss the point of said thing in the first place.

Now of course, I am keenly aware of all the human grievances religion has committed over the centuries, and by no means am I saying we should become anti-intellectual religious zealots. Instead, I say we should open our lives up to spiritual devotion so that, through time, we might be better able to deal with life's misgivings and disasters as they come to us. In fact, I think a time such as ours with widespread wealth and knowledge is one of the best times for renewed spirituality. Since we don't need spirituality to explain the sufferings of everyday life, and since we don't need it to explain the world, we can instead use it for it's highest purpose - self-fulfilment and growth.

Anyway I'm not sure how to end this so here's a song I've been jamming to lately.

Heading out to battle

I've never really had this ultimate feeling of doom. I'm about to walk into a test, and i know no matter what i've studied it is going to be wrong, or not enough information and not referenced correctly in the eyes of this teacher.
I've never failed a subject in my life. It just sucks cause future me is paying for all of this... stupid uni. Don't they realise that making mistakes is also a part of learning, and should be encouraged not condemned.

In response to Smaz

First off, smaz, shit's fucked up. 

Honestly, the immigration debate gets off on thinking that immigrants, however they come are not actually people, who have children and jobs and lives. Like what I said on Friday night. everyone would be up in arms about sending children into a war zone, but sending immigrants back to their own country, well that's different. In fact since 50% of immigrants are children and most are fleeing persecution in their own countries, it's really pretty similar. 

Basically the news media has painted immigrants as people who "sponge" off the system, and are just coming here because they need jobs. Beyond the fact that the news is pretty racist cause it's run by rich old white people. The reality of refugee immigrants is far worse. To face that reality, for a lot of people and a lot of governments, would involve trying to fix regimes that persecute people by the thousands and ones at that, where western governments fucked things over in the first place. It's far easier to see people as unwanted cattle who are grazing on land than as fleeing from shitty lives in places that we had a hand in fucking up. 

It would also involve admitting they were racist when there is literally no financial reason for immigration to be stopped (I will fight someone over the studies that proved immigration actually improve economies and GDP)

Not to mention, there is literally a photo of immigrants to Spain climbing an 8 metre barbed wire fence to get into the country, beyond which is a really luxurious golf course. 

Actually, here it is:

Immigration is way less of an issue than you'd think, particularly boat-based immigration. Something like 90% of immigration to Australia is approved, comes by plane and is very authentically let through passport control by the government. 

The reason we don't hear about it, is because it's not scary or groundbreaking so it's not something to win an election on. 

All governments like something they can take a hard line on, which will keep their approval rating up. The government cares way less about immigration than you'd think, I bet you, they care about staying ahead in the polls and using the fear that people have is pretty easy. Other governments use renewable energy or gay marriage or getting rid of the carbon tax or cutting tax. It's about using people's beliefs and strong feelings. Being apathetic is the enemy of a number 1 vote. 

Schifoooo

TJust saw this at like 3am and I have to vent about it somewhere. Man... it really gets me down to see Italians being super racist, fuck.

Tradux - "Spain - no stranger shall pass; Australia - 24h naval blockade; USA - they'll shoot at you; Italy - a total fucking mess!"

As if our or the USA's treatment of non-white immigrants is anything to be proud of. As if Italy is actively fucked up by black people? Um no the guy who posted this shit lives in a town that barely even sees people from outside that town, let alone other Europeans. It's just appealing that this fucked up world view is so prevalent over all the world, that people like this guy think we should be lauded for dehumanising those who are born fucked up. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh fuck man. I hate this shit so much what a crock of shit. These attitudes are exactly why tone got elected somehow, and they all come from the media (berlusconi is like Murdoch but if the only channels on tv were his, no wonder Italians are so sexist, racist, homophobic... Shit breeds fear which keeps the people under control)

There needs to be a revolution, but one of love, where people open up to the human inside them instead of fucking sitting huddled in a corner of their own brain shivering while the ads they pay for deliver them reaffirmation a that their empty lives are valid and under threat.

Ok my writing style is all over the place sorry

random thought of the day

if the song was 'feliz navidog' instead of 'feliz navidad' the song would be like $200% better

I burnt tofu

And now my house smells like a packet of burnt tobacco. Fml.

italians and memes: editzione limba sarda

so i've mentioned before how bad "memes" generally are in italian. but did you know. memes in sardinian are much worse.... haha seriously what the hell is this shit

 

[IT] Clara, I'm going down to town

[SD] And when do you get back?

[IT] After dinner, don't wait up for me

[SD]You're just a poor little whore!

I don't speak sardinian but i undestand enough of it to be able to translate this shit. [IT] italian [SD] sardinian

what what's funny about this

what i dont understand

why would you make this what

more:

im so tired

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hip-hop international is my life blood i fucking swear. even when i dont understand it

this song is so good w le francais

The other night I had an intense dream, it's been bugging me ever since.
 I was in the dream at a pub which i didn't want to go to, and was on the way home when I'd had some sort of panic attack or depressive flush of emotion, and I had sat on the tiles on a pathway full of people walking; as if it were George street during a main event/parade however at 9am in the morning where most people tend to wear business uniforms. As i sat on the red/amber tiles, looking mostly down i could only see the walking and rushing feet of people who were annoyed to have this obstacle in the way, but that wasn't the problem..
The problem was that sensation i had. It's the most exaggerated form of depression i'd ever felt, as if i was made of something as heavy as steel sinking to the bottom of the ocean. It was so intense, that my cousin appeared and i leaned on her lap as she tried to calm me down for half the day, patting me and cheering me up, i just knew it was the end of the world for me and was deemed useless, in a semi-vegetable state... My head was heavy from the inside, and i was just watching the feet of people rush by as the sun shone into my eyes. My cousin had to actually leave at some point, someone else came but i can't recall.

That was it. When i woke up, i was sad. It took me a minute to get back to reality, and resume sleeping. I suppose i can control my emotions in my conscious state, but sleeping is a different story.

If i go to bed

It will take me to tomorrow

I can't unsee it

I've always seen it but... Ngggggg!. It's like someone put paint on their penis and stamped it onto Vaatu! THERE im sorry

This might be dumb

But isn't the act of thinking some sort of proof that we can exist not just in physical form? I can make any sound i want/know, i can reproduce images, i can re-sense feeling things or even disgusting smells. 

Thinking is an underrated part of our body. It's just amazing, and slightly limited. I can't think and predict where i'll be in 5 years time. What i'll look like... Who i'll meet.

Idk it's almost like we have our own little universes in our heads

the universe

You know, if I was the person who discovered the universe, i would have thought that it was wrong. I mean look at earth and all the things on earth. Animals, humans, rocks, tress, elements, physics like all this makes sense. Even water makes sense. The circle of life, prey and predator system, building up civilizations, life etc, all these make sense, I would expect the universe to be like earth, this sort of biodiverse system of different kinds of matter working together, where animals and humans and plants can take advantage of each other and resources for their own survival, reproduction and leisure. I would expect that, earth would play some crucial part in the system of the universe, and when I mean crucial I mean like, how a single lizard is crucial for our earthly ways. But no, instead, all you find are fucking huge spheres of just random elements. And they just circle and circle and circle around each other. Just this big void of round things circling each other in clusters. That sounds too made up like, oh what's out there in the universe beyond our earth, fucking, giant spheres moving in a large void??? I think at this point, it's not that science doesn't make sense, science plays by science's rules, which is whatever. Things are just how it is. I just feel like, yea there are rules and stuff but it doesn't really have a point. They just exist and science just does what it wants. Also every time i look out into the stars, i think about all the solar systems that might be circling around that star. So many fucking GIANT spheres. thinking about how large all these planets are really gets to me.

today

I went shopping with my mum and we bought me some sick clothes (I was owed both a christmas and birthday present cause for the christmas one we went out to get clothes but I started having panic attacks in the shop)

I got 2 uniqlo hoodies, one is fur-lined and it's so warm and sick
and I got 2 t-shirts from topman and they are heaps good
and I got some sick undies they have fruits on them! one is watermelon slices, one is strawberries and one is pineapples which is my fave one. Like they look like the patterns you get on girls panties but for guys undies which is so great. idk I really like them so I thought I'd tell yas

I really <3 all="" br="" of="" you="">

I've been thinking..

To put it really on a macro perspective... aren't the things we do, all that we have just a bunch of rules? The rules of the system which we govern the people, the rules of physics, the rules of your house, and the rule of surviving. Maybe in another language they separate the word rule accordingly, so that the rule of the household doesn't sound as high-up on the same pedestal as laws of physics. Ah.. There it is.. "Law." But then there are laws in politics. Human made laws compared to rules that already exist within the universe that we can't really change, yet only observe and calculate, are quite different. I was just thinking, everything we do is a set of rules, if you work at a cafe you must do this, wash that, say this.... If you go to uni, you must reach a certain mark of this... Ofcourse there are instructions as well, which are more like guidelines for previous inventors/curators or more than a recommendation, a solid fact sheet of the image of finished product that they assume you are trying to complete. It's just so weird... A world with a bunch of rules.

 Really, among the basic rules of time and survival, everything else seems to sound a bit far-fetched and completely made up. And yet, we follow them. I think, I might become a little more greedy from now on. I might do things that only benefit my time and survival on a whole. Of course, I won't even follow these rules efficiently, because it is necessary to pass time, decisions come into play that do not benefit survival. For example alcohol/drugs in large quantity/ friends with bad decisions (none of you guys). I guess, I have to make a new set of rules for myself, rather than relying on self instinct in certain situations. But then, how long does it take for a set of rules to turn a human into mere robotic coding? We will never be as direct, and quick as a computer, it's just not what humans were made to do...

 It's just annoying how the psyche of a human brain limits us so. We are all so damn greedy and needy, if we just broke our luxury routines we could accomplish so much more.. Yet we continue to, for example, order a coffee from the corner shop. That coffee had to be produced in masses by some poorer country... That paper will most likely be thrown in the garbage to be buried underground for thousands of years, and that machine will have to be cleaned on the hour, and repaired on the weekly. (That was the biggest first world problem ever lol).

 Who are we to judge, and be judged? Is judging just looking back on what rules you have ascertained to make the order of things most just in the system? As humans are we really all equal?

In theory sure, if one new born child was given to a foreign country, from every country, they should act and behave according to how they're taught right? So are we not a blank slot of brains until we get our heads filled with information brought from previous generations..? If that's so, for me to be questioning things like this, does that not hint that I've been exposed to something to trigger that response?

 Systems, rules, and laws. Guidelines, recommendations, and instructions. Procedures, order of things, methods, stages and gradations.

 How are we supposed to have any fun in a world like that

i can't stop listening to this

I... I think I might have a thing for codeswitching

i want to see the live review

Limitations of the human made world

Disclaimer: this is a rant

Yo I'm followin up some things that were brought up on our facebook convo and how good but shitty humans are.

So the world is full of shit. but the world is full of solutions. and as someone who mixed stuff in a flask and makes graphs and tables, i see good stuff being pumped out everyday. real life changing shit man. science is the factory of solutions. i truly believe that if we study shit hard enough, we can figure it out and find the resolution. it may take time but it is possible. look at all the shit we already know. the first engine driven form of human-crafted transport was composed in 1768 (steam powered car that can fucking move a human using wheels). dude. thats before alessandro volta invents the battery. thats before we knew plants were made of cells. thats before we could explain why the sky is blue.
but knowledge continues to be tested and accumulated and applied. and at the crazy speed we going at, i dont think anything is really impossible. humans are ridiculous

unfortunately, our ability to develop and influence applies on a broader scale. and i dont know if im right since i guess everyone thinks they are but i'm really glad i've been given the circumstances ive been given. 
and as much as I try to appreciate it and make use of my opportunities, its hard to keep things in perspective all the time. Like i have access to basic things all living creatures need. things that the lack of are killing other humans, like me, who i could have been but am not. like clean water and hygiene man. people are dying from not having shit that is free to us.
i hate brats. people that just take and dont understand the roots of things. its ok if you're an idiotic child, but when you think things are infinite because they have been provided to you.
all about perspective. anyway. im saying we try to appreciate things but its difficult if you havnt had to struggle or havnt been exposed to stuff. like people with addictions. its so easy to say they're stupid and have self-induced their problems, but no one chooses to be expose to what they're exposed to under those circumstances and you dont know your strength, or if you can clearly say you wouldnt do that.

ok that was super not my point. 
i meant to say that we (people of this blog) are educated. and we have been thought to observe and think for ourselves. we have embraced our uniqueness and value our differing perspectives. and i always say im so lucky to have you guys as my homies man. i dont know what i would be or how i would think without you. so for us its hard to believe when other people are deceived so easily.
for me, its someone reading an article about the '10 weirdest diseases ever!!1!' and looking at obviously photoshopped images that display extreme (and untrue) representations of existing diseases. i always question shit. not because i dont trust but because i just want to know for sures.
pretty sure mark twain said somethin like 'It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so' (saw that in an al gore movie in highschool)
like i have been asked 'why is it so hard to believe' or 'why cant you just accept it' 
i will always investigate. and why shouldnt you? why would you just believe? why wont you read up on the evidence? are you gonna believe something another human told you? is it easier? so you can sit your ass down and do more nothing and just accept things? 

like health information on food boxes. why is it so difficult to turn the box around and read the facts and not the marketing slogans? 'source of fibre' *turns box around* 'fibre 1% daily intake' you motherfuckers. all smug like 'we aint lying hyuk hyuk' 
the information is there. open your damn eyes. 

someone once said 'you dont have a faith? you really dont believe in anything? you think we just disappear when we die? then whats the point?'
theres no point
you're alive. you have emotions, you know other emotive beings that have emotions and now you must pender to them. go forth and exist. 
and is that bad? why have people come to expect things that only make their lives harder? do you need to know theres a nice place at the 'end' to behave? do you not know of your own emotions and how other people have them too? and fears and dreams and beauty? and do you value your life? then why do you not value the life of others or even if you dont why can you not see the possibility that life is important to someone else?
why do people just simply disregard the wellbeing of other people. do you think you're the only motherfucker to exist? because your short term solutions and having a more grand impact on other people. people like you. who werent so lucky to be born into your situation. 
the world as we know has been structured and maintained by other humans with they're own motives and goals and unfortunately, perspective isnt always reached. you are in power. you most likely have money. its hard to be humble but all you have to do is listen. which you dont want to do because it clashes with your comforts.
in a world where laws exist and people attempting to do the 'right thing' abide by them, good intentions have a limited reach. while those that destruct and disregard roam freely and act freely and more readily because they dont give a fuck.
its harder and harder to care for each other.

money is the key but its going to the wrong places and all the wrong people. i'll say it again i fucking hate the royalty
oh good for you you were born on a throne and people think your alright because you're nice and now you have baby. HOW MANY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE LIKE THAT THAT DONT GET NO RECOGNITION.  motherfuckers the world isnt turning because or your filty rich ass.
like the other day some lady was like 'i like prince harry he seems sweet' WHAT THE FUCK. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE NICE AND WELL INTENDED. FUCK HIM MAN. HE DESERVES NO APPRECIATION. fuck you man. 

im sorry i dont know what my point is but fuck man. humannssss!!!!!!!

generic iphone related noises give me minor anxieties

you know that generic iphone alarm noise
or the timer countdown noise thing
i think its called 'radar'

sometimes, people's alarms go off on the bus or at uni and it gives me anxiety because i associate it with having to wake up early and face a day of responsibilities

or like hearing the generic iphone ringtone (i havnt changed it to a kpop song yet)
like whenever anyone's iphone goes off, its that one tone and it makes me panic sometimes.

or even phone vibrations

i dont know
i dont want to pick up calls and i dont wanna deal with things

nowhere to run
nowhere to hide

i dont like pretending to be an adult

italians and memes: part 4 (i think): WRESTLING MEMES

just

italian wrestling memes tho

"You're white and super strong... I know what you are"
"say it"

"Sheamus"

"Exactly Fellah..."
"...I meant Bella"

i named my internet dog after people in the group

less stress more vibes

GANG from Clayton Vomero on Vimeo.

never stop making art 
never stop being the music 
control your destiny
nothing brings positivity on more than being positive (your/my)self 
never stop loving and caring 
good vibes = everything

*high* guys how are you

hui is stupid

hey guys

you know how we all have that 1 or 3 things we're super obsessed with? Like i suppose for ru it would be kpop and manga.
like those things are our drugs and bring us so much happiness and energy and are often bad for our 'productivity'

well my thing is survivor
anyway i just wanted to express how much survivor shapes my brain and teaches me life
like the way i interact with people is influenced by survivor and my approach to doing anything is viewing it like an immunity or reward challenge

and today, i was starting up the second season again, when i noticed the starting theme was a little different to the current one. so i decided to watch all the openings in order (wtf is wrong with me) and when it got to Africa, i literally had to pause the video because i was too excited and had to collect myself.

i guess i realized how obsessed i really am with an american reality tv show that has been running for 15 years. i dont even know. help?
also fuck this guy he actually owns every buff, from every season of EVERY tribe, including pre-merged and merged, if only i had money (their around 50 bucks each unless you buy the current season which is 22 so if you started at 1 you wouldve saved money.. a lot of them arnt available anymore).

I made a playlist which reminds me of you guys <3

Personal Evaluation

These past few months have been like this massive psychological personal evaluation. Not in a bad way, but in a constructive, why is this happening? what is going wrong here? what can I do to change this? I guess it was something I really needed, and it's actually a good thing for me, but I realise it kinda goes on behind the scenes.

So like one of the things is like time management/self-discipline.
Like I can make it to things on time, and I'm trying to get better, but it's like self-discipline is a massive weak point for me, in many different ways. It has been for ages.
And there's like this thing that I know I should be better at it, and be more self-disciplined but it's like immediate gratification wins over long-term pay-off each time every time. Even with the most simple shit like going to bed, where I know I should just stop reading or watching tv and sleep, and I am getting better at it. but like sometimes it just goes out the window, and sure enough the next day is a mess.
A lot of the time, fixing it, being self-disciplined, just involves making a firm decision, but like sometimes, it's hard to do that, or like I'll compromise, and it never works.
It's like one of those adult things that, I know I really need to learn, or maybe not even learn, but like try to manage my own lack of self-discipline, and that constant uphill battle.

And then there's like pretending that I understand shit that I don't.
It has been the most freeing experience giving up that shit. I do not know the meaning of a lot of words, I don't know what some things in my courses mean and admitting that is the only way I'm going to learn.
I used to pretend I knew stuff, and like it was all ok, and I would skimp on stuff in my notes, and be like, I'll sort it out later. No. I realised, when I started reteaching myself French, that by doing that, the only person inconvenienced by that attitude is me. No-one's gonna care if I skimp on my learning. And like it's the same with the words and the uni concepts, pretending I understood, was only hurting my learning. I have to commit to knowing and learning. And sometimes it doesn't matter if I don't know what hegemony means but like if it was in a journal article, then pretending I know, was only gonna confuse me. Maybe that's just a personal thing, but finding out, it's ok to not understand, and to then seek help, was a pretty big break through.

There's also the not running away from things, which is like a massive thing.
I'm not gonna go into detail but basically, I have an impulse to run away from things which I find difficult, and I'll be honest, I basically collapsed my life doing this, like this is probably a big reason for the University failure, and all the other shit. That's not even an exaggeration.
I struggle dealing with situations which are emotionally challenging, and it's partially anxiety, but there's other stuff there which is about a lack of emotional development.
Anyway, I'm trying to deal with that, which is fucking hard. In fact, it's the main reason for the personal evaluation, because I don't want to run away again, but some situations are just not easy to deal with. (At this point, I'll ask you refrain from saying I get that, unless you genuinely do know what I mean; that compulsion to run away is universal but like I get to a point, where that is the only option, if that makes sense. And logically I know, I could do other shit, but I just can't, no ifs ands or buts, running away is all I have. That's what it is.) Point is, I'm trying to not run away, which is kinda difficult and means a lot of emotional management.

There are more things, but it's that sort of thing that has really been interesting to learn about my own patterns of thought. And some of the shit I realised, was really toxic to think, like I don't deserve my own malice, and I can do this shit. I also have seen/will see professionals that help me understand and manage these issues, but realising they were issues in the first place, is a thing that's like hard to do, so if you're still struggling at any point, I get that and I'm here for you.