today my hero died

rest in peace chester.

i love you.

you don't know how much you've done for me, you've saved my life. and i know that's the case for millions of people.
i don't know how to cope with this but i hope his family, friends and bandmates are going okay.

An Update

It's been a while since I've been in contact, and I've decided it's about time I address a few things. The first will be what I've been up to since the last time I saw everyone, and the second will be about the position I understand I've put myself in with you guys.

First thing's first, my life. Around March or so I made the conscious decision to move my family's farm, as I felt I was getting nowhere with city life and that I would probably be much better suited to the country atmosphere. I've still not "officially" moved and I've been in a kind of locational limbo, but despite this I've tried to make the most of my time here. For the first few weeks I basically did nothing but settle in and get all of the ridiculous stress I've been experiencing out of my system. It was kinda rough, because there was a lot of shit in my head to deal with, but over time I've begun to feel more at ease with my own thoughts and feelings. There was a lot of emotional movies watched, I'll freely admit.
During this time also I've been reevaluating my motives, my relationships, and pretty much just what it is that I want out of life. I've patched up a lot within my family, as well as learn to see them in lights I haven't seen them in before. There's also been a few really huge events within the family itself while I've been here, so even just within the people who I'm surrounded by every day a lot has changed.
Outside of that, most of my time is taken up by reading, writing, drawing, going for walks, watching films and doing odd jobs around the property. I've learnt a fuckton about myself, things which I would've never imagined were true in a million years, and while it's been difficult I ultimately hope it's been for the better. I've come to become more buddhist than I've ever been, and during this time I've started speaking to a therapist who is finally able to get to the bottom of my issues.
So far I haven't met anyone down here, but the internet keeps me occupied and I'm sure I'll meet people once I'm ready.

Now, onto the second part. While I've never been the most engaged Blackheath member in the past, I also understand that I've put distance between me and its members due to past actions. To this, I want to say I'm truly sorry. Almost painfully so. What I did to one of you is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever done in my life, and not a day goes by where it doesn't weigh on my conscious in some way. The fact that I could betray the trust the way I did of someone who means so much to me will be with me for the rest of my life. If I could take back that decision, and all other decisions I have made to hurt my friends, I would do so in a heartbeat.
I know I'm not the most open or approachable person. I know I've done things that have weirded or creeped you guys out. They weirded and creeped me out too.
I know I have fucked up, and I've done things that hurt people needlessly. I will accept full responsibility for any of this pain or confusion I have caused.
Because even if it might not seem like it from the way I've acted, all of you mean so much to me. In a world where I've always felt incredibly alone, you took me in, and gave me a sense of place and friendship that I didn't feel I deserved. I know so well that each one of you is a bright, creative, passionate young soul, which makes my mistakes all the more worse.
I am not asking for forgiveness, only the chance to voice my apologies, because it is truly deserved.

If it means anything, I will say that I hope all of you are doing well and looking after yourselves, no matter what challenges are facing you. Please, take care, and don't let the pressures of life make you believe that you are not worth the effort. If there's one thing I've had to learn, it's that each and every person deserves all the freedom and peace in the world.

im crying

A Great Betrayal

OK.

So look.
look.
    listen.

Since I was barely a teenage, I have always enjoyed and adored post modern art. The kind of art that truly says "fuck you" to the tradish art world. For many years I have defended Damien Hirst and other 'shitty' and 'overpriced' artists. I am totally aware that my opinions are not unpopular, due to the fact that post modern art is sold for many millions of dollars. A lot of post modern art is extremely stupid but that's why I love it. Is someone, who is a part of the human culture that we are all involuntarily entrenched in, going to pay $50 million for man-made art crap?? Yes. Like fuck me it's not the artists who are at fault here. It is the public. The consumers. So fuck you to them, they fell for it and I, me, Hui, I get to admire it from afar with a smug look on my face as a slowly applause my computer monitor thing that streams internet things to me. I didn't pay a cent (except for the museum ticket I guess and I've paid in hours worth of my life) and yet I get to reap the benefits of weird as, cold, hollow, deadpan art. I weep at Duchamp's remakes of his own original Urinal sculpture thing and stare at Warhol's Brillo pad things with great attention and admiration.

I must confess I am truly an art wanker. But not for the hell of it, I have my reasons and I think they are strong ones. And yeah I'm sorry I like Banksy. not because I'm a basic person who likes street art and 'cool things', but because for a long time, Banksy has also been a big 'fuck you' to the art world and he is undeniably technically good and recognizably unique in style. Also maybe I am just a 12 year old boy who likes that shit.

But ok. Now on to the betrayal bit.

Since I was 14, I have admired and appreciated the works of Jeff Koons. I became a huge fan girl. Freaking out at the site of his pieces IRL. When I went to the San Fran MOMA and saw Two Ball Total Equilibrium Tank (Spalding Dr. J Silver Series) I basically died.

The series came out in the 80s but weirdly connects with me through the unchronological reference to Hirst's animals in formaldehyde works that came out in the 2000s. It was like those goddamn animals but they are basketballs and this was wayy before Hirst did that. I don't know why but damn it I love it soooo much.

Many times have I engaged in a conversation with an art person about post modernism. The response is mostly positive but a lot of people dont favour Jeff Koons too much. For the last 9 years I have made it my mission to defend Koons on every occasion.

Until now.

UM.

EXCUSE ME


JEFFF KOONS WHAT ARE YOU DOING


OMFG.

OK. Look. I have a bad history with LV. I hate that stupid brand. I just hate brands in general. I hate the dumb fucks who queue up and wait in the fucking cold to enter this fucking shop. so they can go in there. to spend $1000s. to own shit other people own. To drop those Gs just to be a fucking basic ass bitch. Listen. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm a dumb ass who will spend $50 on a collector's survivor buff. But look. Survivor is my religion. Without my #outwitoutlastoutplay and #forimmunityandreward mentality, I would complain 10x more IRL and would have not survived honours. I live by survivor. Survivor defines me. Survivor is a facilitator for social gatherings. Because of survivor, my friends come to my house to eat pizza, talk shit and consume alcohol with me. Thank you CBS.

Do people live by LV?? Is it possible to make a luxury brand the driving force of your social interactions and your motivations for life? IDFK. I could be. BUt ima judge you. Im sorry that is just an excessive way to live.


So i was walking past LV in sydney and immediately i saw the use of Van Gogh's name and most famous culture definiing work Starry Night and Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. I love renaissance art. I was so furious to see LV appropriating and reusing and commercialising these pieces for 1000s of dollars in commercial sales. People reuse these famous works all the time. BUT NOT LIKE THIS. NOt a big ass basic brand like this. YOU CANT DO THAT. YOOO I WAS MAD. HOw dare they. Does Da Vinci have a say?? because of him LV can sell these overprices containers to basic people. Can't create a culture? Can't come up with new ideas and aesthetics? No worries, we'll just steal whats out there. AND SELL IT AS A RIDICULOUS PRICE. Like yo LV is a designer luxury brand like can't you guys come up with your own shit? LIke this is way stupid

But then
the worst part came

after ranting about LV to all the people within my proximity, yesterday morning the news broke to me that the man responsible for this putrid appropriation was.. the king of shitty appropriation. The guy who's art has always been fuck you to the art world. but this time it was a fuck you to hui.

The only thing really Jeff Koons like about this stupid design is the leather bunny tag things that hang of and the bright coloured stitching. I can't believe Koons did this. How could he hurt me like that after all these years of my avid support???????

Look. I get it. It is the biggest fuck you to the art world by reusing artworks so famous you can never actually steal or own them. BUT WHY?? This shit is outside of the galleries. commercially available. Do you think LV fans know much about Koons? Do they care about the art world? Most of them are rich asian people that care about tags not culture. They gonna buy it and Koon's is just there like "ahahahah look I didn't even paint these yet i get the money from the collaboration"

I hate it sooo much. I get that he's taking the piss out of the consumer but the people are directly involved. and money is being made. motherfucking capital gains. If the money went to preserving art / culture establishments and funding for the arts, I could vibe with it. BUt this, I CANNOT. JEFF KOONS WHY DID YOU DO THIS. CONSUMERS ARN'T THAT SMART AND THIS ISN'T FUNNY TO ME. PEOPLE ARE PAYING SOOO MUCH MONEY FOR RECYCLED SHIT AND ITS NOT ORIGINAL. IN THE END ITS KOONS AND LV THAT MAKE THE GAINS. EVERYONE LOSES

I AM UPSET.


also fuck Chanel and their luxury boomerang shit. fuck that right off, tell your friends to stop being slaves to corporations who don't give a fuck.

ah man i just enjoy music so much

Like when a song I love comes on and it legit feels like Im on molly and someone is gently rubbing my head.

EMOTIONS

did you know the song YMCA is actually super really fucking emotional if you peel off the party song backing. here neil cicierega already did this pls listen. i listened to this and cried a lot. it's like, a pretty emotional song about being gay in a time when it wasn't really accepted at all


it was good to cry because crying is nice and i cry a lot

ok that's my post i love you guys and i'm still alive bye ❤️

Tell me why-y-y I'm so lonely

I'm just here. To mope about the disbandment of Wonder Girls.

I'm sad.

I'm just reminiscing about the first time I heard them, was in Vietnam in a room with Marlena, Brigitta, Hui and Hogg. And that was like the starting of my K pop obsession (with AfterSchool's "Ah").

So presenting, some of Wonder Girl's best hits:

 

Nevermind i can't go through more music videos im actually getting sad...

Also they're releasing their last song on my birthday!! WOw!

alex turner's voice tho jaysus

skip to 0:56





But seriously tho on  the plane today i was lookin for 'Do I wanna know?' on my phone but it wasnt there. Went to the qantas music and AM was the first album on the list. cthulhu is real



last year in december there was a report sayin they're workin on a new album and im creying

Why

I'm trying to sleep but I can't and all I can think about is why do I have my accent??? Like one day I just decided I wanted to sound like this and now I can't talk out of it??? Even tho all my friends speak  in a different normal accent? And so does everyone else around me? I must sound so out of place all the time.

Also every time I go on some subreddit to read about things I like, I find that the rest of the fandom totally disagrees with me. It's kinda weird that we're all into this one niche but like different bits of it?? Or view areas within sooo polarizingly

Thank you like a version

sad days become ok nights

sometimes i wanna stay awake and keep staying awake because if i sleep i'll have to stop listening to the music. The ones with crazy arrangements get me man

Emotion Commotion

Hey,

My parents left my Canadian apartment last Sunday. After seeing them off, I spent the whole Sunday in my boyfriend's house playing board games and peeling off price tags of toys and dog supplies (he's going to put on higher prices and resell them on Amazon later).

On Monday, for the first time, I felt a wave of demotivation towards my cult hit me. It was a whole 10 seconds but I could feel it. I could feel for the first time, it wearing on me, and that I didn't care for a whole 10 seconds about wanting to make it better or questioning what I can do to improve processes and experiences etc. It disappeared but the memory of the feeling sat on my back and I had to drag it around for the rest of my day.

That morning, for what ever reason, I remembered to charge my ipod. While walking towards my next commitment, I put on the muzik to erase that dread. I chose "Power Up" playlist which is a collection of all the super pop-py hit singles of every Kpop album I owned.

I was walking to campus and by the 3rd song, I felt good. I felt more then good. I felt hyppeeed.
For no reason. But it felt nice, way better then the lagging feeling of anxiety, confusion and unmotivation before.

I realized that, it's so dam easy to change my own emotions just from music. I started to think about all those times that like, I'm on a subway and someone rude shoves me over and says some shit like "fucking person in the way" or something, and it makes me feel like really infuriated and pissed off. And just like some interactions with rude ass people can really make me feel like my day is ruined. That's like an instance that completely changes your emotions and mood.

It got me thinking, it's so dam easy to just have something small like re-manufacture the way you are feeling you know? Sometimes for temporary shallow emotions like these, I think its worth to force good emotions out. I guess they are all real? Like what makes an emotion more real then another? Like how can you know if the happiness you're feeling when you arbitrary create in the moment of temptations isn't real? I mean it sure isn't fulfilling but as long as you have a purpose for the good feelings and you know you can put it into something fulfilling later on, isn't it worth it? And what makes all the bad feelings we have real or meaningful? I don't mean it as a "suppress your emotions" kinda way. But for small temporary instances, its easy to just change how you feel to channel the positive energy into something that is really meaningful that reflects your real real emotions.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I think sometimes we feel things, and it's not how we have to feel deep down on the inside. And we have the power to change it, since we're so easily affected anyway.

oh my gosh i love ikea toys help me

Ikea has new toys n i feel like they are stalking me cause theres soooo many good animals!!!
First, there is square dino:
 
There's two headed birb:

 THEN MORE BIRD

LOOK AT THIS CUTIE PUFFIN!!!!  And FLAMingo!!!

They have this CACTUS TOY!!!

AND ALSO A KAWAII STONED CAMEL!!! I WANT THEM!!!

BUT I am strong  and have self control, and I did not make any of the purchase at ikea today....

fly away on my zephyr

hey i know i keep posting this shit, but man i love the lyrics to this song

Can I get your hand to write on Just a piece of leg to bite on? What a night to fly my kite on Do you want to flash your light on? Take a look it's on display for you Coming down, no not today Did you meet your fortune teller Get it off with no propeller Do it up it’s on with Stella What a way to finally smell her Pickin’ up but not too strong for you Take a piece and pass it on Fly away on my zephyr I feel it more than ever And in this perfect weather We’ll find a place together Fly on my wind Rebel and a liberator Find a way to be a skater Rev it up to levitate her Super friendly aviator Take a look it's on display for you Comin’ down, no not today Fly away on my zephyr I feel it more than ever And in this perfect weather We’ll find a place together In the water where I center my emotion All the world can pass me by Fly away on my zephyr We’ll find a place together Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - do you Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - won't you Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Fly away on my zephyr I feel it more than ever And in this perfect weather We’ll find a place together In the water where I center my emotion All the world can pass me by Fly away on my zephyr We’re gonna live forever Forever

🙅🏼🙅🏼🙅🏼🙅🏼 "did you know" / a little poem about where my head is at 🙅🏼🙅🏼🙅🏼🙅🏼

ahhh ok so
here's where my head is at these days.
the theme of this topic is "my mental health" (yay that's exciting, always)

it's in the form of a poem called did you know (2016)
----
did you know that if you only study 2 units per semester you are technically a "part time student" and not a "full time student"
and did you know that if you are a "part time student" you are not eligible for youth allowance in australia
and did you know that if you are a "part time student" you are not eligible for a concession opal card in nsw
and did you know that if you don't get youth allowance due to being a "part time student" then you don't get it again until you are a full time student again

and did you know that I am doing three subjects at uni
but did you know that i desperately want to drop one of them. and did you know? that was even my plan from the start, to drop this unit as late as possible to get as much youth allowance and concession time out of it
like did you know i haven't been to a single class and i've missed some homework handins for this class
did you know also that it is a fairly technical subject that i am struggling to understand (database systems 2)

did you know the last day to withdraw from a unit without penalty is august 31
(did you know thats today!!)

did you also know that i am moving house soon and money will be tight
did you also know that i am struggling with everything in my life to the point of having frequent breakdowns
and did you know that academic stress often contributes a lot to these breakdowns
and did you know that these breakdowns involve physi-


and did you know i can't afford to keep this up both financially and mentally
did you know i have no idea what road to take, whether to drop the unit and pay more for everything with less money available, or to keep it up and go fucking insane and like, die (not literally die, like, die as in "im dieing" die)
and did yuo kno

wait no stop this isn't a poem this is just me explaining the fucking dilemma i'm in using formatting and the words "did you know" to trick you into reading it because i know you like poems ♥️
no i made that up i don't know if you like poems or not sorry it's bad to assume the experiences of other people. maybe you don't like poems that's cool too i love you anyway

anyway i hope i have made myself clear please just like give me a hug or something next time you see me because im going down the road of continuing this unit
and i don't know how i'll be able to cope with it or even begin to get back on track esp as it;s gonna need a lot of coding and coding makes my hands hurt again which makes me hate my life 4x as much

ugh im being a drama queen or some shit idk soz for being depressing im just stuck in my head etc.
aaaaaaaalso it's 1am and i've had alcohol for the first time in maybe 10 months and it affected me more than i thought it would so maybe this post came out of thattt umm idk idk bye

going through a lot of weird / normal feels

ah man

i don't know
i have a stupid job i guess which is good?? but it's giving me so much perspective on people
like people are so fucking predictable and stereotypical and shit talky and blah

i cant stand sitting in meetings and seeing everyone dress the same fucking uniform
like why is everyone in grey and white and navy
idk i guess this is a stupid complain
and i hate the way everyone talks the same
and i hate how people react so predictably to shit
and why cant people think for themselves

im not ready for adult life or ok with it

i miss everyone and i hate how we dont live in the same country... its been a while since the entire crew has been in 1 place together..
i know
im a fuckin child teenager person
also im sad because im a bit sick and also my leg doesnt work and my arms are always tired
and im so over explaining to people how i broke my leg or how to pronounce my name
and telling people where im from (eventho i am super proud to be south east or whatevs)

anyway im glad i dont work in a cafe or science lab as my main income because this broken leg thing would not fly.

i just.. what is life.. like why.. people are so fucking caught up..

i'm so lucky to have such beautiful friends though

0  clue with wtf im doin errday

oh wait more hui things!

didyou kno apparently skateboarding will be an olympic sport in 2020?? like wtf??/ thats mental!

also one piece is the best selling manga series in history as of this month, with 380 million copies printed worldwide! how dope is that!