less stress more vibes

GANG from Clayton Vomero on Vimeo.

never stop making art 
never stop being the music 
control your destiny
nothing brings positivity on more than being positive (your/my)self 
never stop loving and caring 
good vibes = everything

*high* guys how are you

hui is stupid

hey guys

you know how we all have that 1 or 3 things we're super obsessed with? Like i suppose for ru it would be kpop and manga.
like those things are our drugs and bring us so much happiness and energy and are often bad for our 'productivity'

well my thing is survivor
anyway i just wanted to express how much survivor shapes my brain and teaches me life
like the way i interact with people is influenced by survivor and my approach to doing anything is viewing it like an immunity or reward challenge

and today, i was starting up the second season again, when i noticed the starting theme was a little different to the current one. so i decided to watch all the openings in order (wtf is wrong with me) and when it got to Africa, i literally had to pause the video because i was too excited and had to collect myself.

i guess i realized how obsessed i really am with an american reality tv show that has been running for 15 years. i dont even know. help?
also fuck this guy he actually owns every buff, from every season of EVERY tribe, including pre-merged and merged, if only i had money (their around 50 bucks each unless you buy the current season which is 22 so if you started at 1 you wouldve saved money.. a lot of them arnt available anymore).

I made a playlist which reminds me of you guys <3

Personal Evaluation

These past few months have been like this massive psychological personal evaluation. Not in a bad way, but in a constructive, why is this happening? what is going wrong here? what can I do to change this? I guess it was something I really needed, and it's actually a good thing for me, but I realise it kinda goes on behind the scenes.

So like one of the things is like time management/self-discipline.
Like I can make it to things on time, and I'm trying to get better, but it's like self-discipline is a massive weak point for me, in many different ways. It has been for ages.
And there's like this thing that I know I should be better at it, and be more self-disciplined but it's like immediate gratification wins over long-term pay-off each time every time. Even with the most simple shit like going to bed, where I know I should just stop reading or watching tv and sleep, and I am getting better at it. but like sometimes it just goes out the window, and sure enough the next day is a mess.
A lot of the time, fixing it, being self-disciplined, just involves making a firm decision, but like sometimes, it's hard to do that, or like I'll compromise, and it never works.
It's like one of those adult things that, I know I really need to learn, or maybe not even learn, but like try to manage my own lack of self-discipline, and that constant uphill battle.

And then there's like pretending that I understand shit that I don't.
It has been the most freeing experience giving up that shit. I do not know the meaning of a lot of words, I don't know what some things in my courses mean and admitting that is the only way I'm going to learn.
I used to pretend I knew stuff, and like it was all ok, and I would skimp on stuff in my notes, and be like, I'll sort it out later. No. I realised, when I started reteaching myself French, that by doing that, the only person inconvenienced by that attitude is me. No-one's gonna care if I skimp on my learning. And like it's the same with the words and the uni concepts, pretending I understood, was only hurting my learning. I have to commit to knowing and learning. And sometimes it doesn't matter if I don't know what hegemony means but like if it was in a journal article, then pretending I know, was only gonna confuse me. Maybe that's just a personal thing, but finding out, it's ok to not understand, and to then seek help, was a pretty big break through.

There's also the not running away from things, which is like a massive thing.
I'm not gonna go into detail but basically, I have an impulse to run away from things which I find difficult, and I'll be honest, I basically collapsed my life doing this, like this is probably a big reason for the University failure, and all the other shit. That's not even an exaggeration.
I struggle dealing with situations which are emotionally challenging, and it's partially anxiety, but there's other stuff there which is about a lack of emotional development.
Anyway, I'm trying to deal with that, which is fucking hard. In fact, it's the main reason for the personal evaluation, because I don't want to run away again, but some situations are just not easy to deal with. (At this point, I'll ask you refrain from saying I get that, unless you genuinely do know what I mean; that compulsion to run away is universal but like I get to a point, where that is the only option, if that makes sense. And logically I know, I could do other shit, but I just can't, no ifs ands or buts, running away is all I have. That's what it is.) Point is, I'm trying to not run away, which is kinda difficult and means a lot of emotional management.

There are more things, but it's that sort of thing that has really been interesting to learn about my own patterns of thought. And some of the shit I realised, was really toxic to think, like I don't deserve my own malice, and I can do this shit. I also have seen/will see professionals that help me understand and manage these issues, but realising they were issues in the first place, is a thing that's like hard to do, so if you're still struggling at any point, I get that and I'm here for you.