presented without comment

https://youtu.be/b8HO6hba9ZE

did i leave a good friend's birthday drinks so I could watch a 1 hour recording of a RHCP concert and cry to it by myself? Is this the life I have chosen

yo so sorry about the Mr Saturns getting all weird and stuff. So there's a new thing on photobucket where they make you pay money for third person hosting.... I'll fix the side bar soon maybe on the plane flight to toronto. IDK.



Why can't I be chilled about things? Why do i have to be so into my obsessions? The song above has probably one of my most favourite guitaring ever. John Frusciante is a freakin genius and Im bummed that he doesnt do live gigs anymore.

Also I can't find a live recording of Slow Cheetah. Man i would die if I saw that live. Like absolutely 100% dead. John's guitar bit at the end really gets me.



Also what am I doing with my life? Like Im just doin shit. Like Im doin design layouts and stuff but im legit just spawning crap and making shit up. constantly. Im not trained to do anything I do at all. My life literally now is constant dicking around. What am I even doing? Is my company legit? Will some sort of meaningful life come out of this? Like im trying so hard in everything I do and I don't know what its leading me to or if anything is even good and legit. I feel like ive just been bullshitting and makin stuff up for so long.

I miss you guys.

I've been here at the farm for probably six months now, and while I love every second of the fresh air and nature and ability to yell at the clouds, I've been pretty much by myself aside from my grandma and aunt, plus whoever in my family comes to visit every now and then. I mean they're cool people and I've started to grow fonder of the middle aged worldview, but man does it get hard being the only young person around.

I mean, I guess I could put more effort into meeting new people, but it's kinda hard when you don't know anyone to go out and meet new people with in the first place, plus there's really only pubs and stuff to meet people in, which doesn't really appeal to me these days. My aunt semi-introduced me to one of her friend's daughters, and she was cool, but she lives in Sydney so we mostly just talk by text. I've tried using Tinder, but I figure I'm just too isolated because there's not many people on it. I've even included guys in my list, but most of 'em want to just hook up, which I'm not really down for. One positive of this is that I now truly understand just how thirsty males can be. I may have some friends from my Canberra days coming to visit in the summer, but that's a while away, so for the time being it's probably just gonna be me.

Other than this though I'm finding country life suits me more and more. It turns out I fucking love hiking - if you told that I would end up feeling this way a few years ago I probably wouldn't have believed you. Also, I've been reading heaps, mostly just from books that have been laying around, which is cool. Did you guys know that early Christianity was heavily influenced by Neo-Platonic philosophy? I didn't, until I read it.

Anyway I hope everyone is doing well as always.

I'm tryna like cope

You know for the past 3 months I've been living the good life. I know ive been lucky and shit cause look at my daily life:

7:30 am - wake up in the morning (I used to wake up at 6:30am to exercise in the morning but that lasted like 3 weeks)

7:45 am - eat breakfast and take malaria pills

8:00 am - walk to work office and start work

12:00 pm - lunch time 

12:30 pm - find my village homies so i can borrow motorbikes from moms and dads to go to other villages 

4:00 pm - barely make it back in time to teach Adult English classes

6:00 pm - play volleyball with the villagers (who are all fuckin beasts) or go rowing/swimming/playing with my best children friends 

7:00 pm - electricity turns on!! Goes back to office to work 

8:30 pm - dinner time (eat like 3 servings) and play with children 

9:00 pm - go back to work in officr

10:00 pm - if work not hectic play with children 

11:00 pm - children go to sleep so hang out with 16 - 25 year old dudes always drinking and smoking

2:00 am - sneak into the house through my bedroom window so i dont have to wake me house mom up

Repeat everyday and still have energy somehow??? Man its weird like waking up and not hearing ocean waves or swimming inbetween work breaks. Or like when i'm feeling tired and just chilling in my house, not having a bunch of kids turn up to wake me up in the afternoon and learn choreographed zumba dances together until we know em properly. Not being able to knock on random childrens doors when i need someone to play with anytime. Not being able to go into anyones house and just borrow their facewash when i feel gross? Not having the satisfaction of feeling like im working hard and playing hard everyday and loving every single second of my life in the village. Not seeing a million stars light up the ceiling of my village. Not being able to take naps on my friends house floor cause they dont have beds but its fine it feels okay and they dont think i need a bed and really i dont.

I got so used to living in the village where community is great and people are nice but i forgot how poor my village is until i visit another village but it doesnt matter to me????

But its still good? Like i used to get so bogged down by what people think cause as cliche as ot is people here (toronto) care about work and status and image and sometimes the second you look like you not doing well people look down on you and they cant help it, theyve been trained to live like that and it used to feel hella bad but i realize i dont care about that i just wanna live my life and be cool eat tacos and fry bread and shit.

Man so many things happened but it feels lie its just a dream. Ive been trying for the past week to phone my villager friends but its like impossible cause most times there arent any phone signal but it sucked. Even though every day, hour, minute and second in my village i always thought "fuck cherish this moment, remember this forever never take any second here for granted" to prepare myself so that i would have no regrets when i left. That i could truly said i did as much as i could and lived to the fullest, still it hurt to leave so bad.

Have you ever left one person you truly truly loved with all your heart? Can you imagine leaving like 30 of them? True happiness always comes with true sadness... 

Saaaaddddddd (a shameless whinge by me)

Reality sucks I don't want to do it. I don't want to go home. I want to go back to mykonos and spend all my money.

I'm so sad to have left quad bike-white square house-hot skimpy people-party Island. It was literally like spooky Island but not spooky. I miss 100% of people driving on quads or scooters at 5am being intoxicated. We entered the club with 5 people on the quad that one time. It was soooo good.

The last night when me Alex and Marlena walked up the steepest dirt road to get home at 3am listening to daft punk was amazing. We turned around occasionally to look back at the city lights so far away. As we rode off on the ferry to Athens the next morning, digital love played in my head as I stared sobbing at the waves. Goodbye perfect party island. Good bye perfect Alex Passas. I don't want to face reality.

Also wow I have been unhealthy. Felt tired today but then I had an ice coffee and a dart and I'm good to go. My new phone is already ducked because we were crushing drugs on it lol

today my hero died

rest in peace chester.

i love you.

you don't know how much you've done for me, you've saved my life. and i know that's the case for millions of people.
i don't know how to cope with this but i hope his family, friends and bandmates are going okay.

An Update

It's been a while since I've been in contact, and I've decided it's about time I address a few things. The first will be what I've been up to since the last time I saw everyone, and the second will be about the position I understand I've put myself in with you guys.

First thing's first, my life. Around March or so I made the conscious decision to move my family's farm, as I felt I was getting nowhere with city life and that I would probably be much better suited to the country atmosphere. I've still not "officially" moved and I've been in a kind of locational limbo, but despite this I've tried to make the most of my time here. For the first few weeks I basically did nothing but settle in and get all of the ridiculous stress I've been experiencing out of my system. It was kinda rough, because there was a lot of shit in my head to deal with, but over time I've begun to feel more at ease with my own thoughts and feelings. There was a lot of emotional movies watched, I'll freely admit.
During this time also I've been reevaluating my motives, my relationships, and pretty much just what it is that I want out of life. I've patched up a lot within my family, as well as learn to see them in lights I haven't seen them in before. There's also been a few really huge events within the family itself while I've been here, so even just within the people who I'm surrounded by every day a lot has changed.
Outside of that, most of my time is taken up by reading, writing, drawing, going for walks, watching films and doing odd jobs around the property. I've learnt a fuckton about myself, things which I would've never imagined were true in a million years, and while it's been difficult I ultimately hope it's been for the better. I've come to become more buddhist than I've ever been, and during this time I've started speaking to a therapist who is finally able to get to the bottom of my issues.
So far I haven't met anyone down here, but the internet keeps me occupied and I'm sure I'll meet people once I'm ready.

Now, onto the second part. While I've never been the most engaged Blackheath member in the past, I also understand that I've put distance between me and its members due to past actions. To this, I want to say I'm truly sorry. Almost painfully so. What I did to one of you is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever done in my life, and not a day goes by where it doesn't weigh on my conscious in some way. The fact that I could betray the trust the way I did of someone who means so much to me will be with me for the rest of my life. If I could take back that decision, and all other decisions I have made to hurt my friends, I would do so in a heartbeat.
I know I'm not the most open or approachable person. I know I've done things that have weirded or creeped you guys out. They weirded and creeped me out too.
I know I have fucked up, and I've done things that hurt people needlessly. I will accept full responsibility for any of this pain or confusion I have caused.
Because even if it might not seem like it from the way I've acted, all of you mean so much to me. In a world where I've always felt incredibly alone, you took me in, and gave me a sense of place and friendship that I didn't feel I deserved. I know so well that each one of you is a bright, creative, passionate young soul, which makes my mistakes all the more worse.
I am not asking for forgiveness, only the chance to voice my apologies, because it is truly deserved.

If it means anything, I will say that I hope all of you are doing well and looking after yourselves, no matter what challenges are facing you. Please, take care, and don't let the pressures of life make you believe that you are not worth the effort. If there's one thing I've had to learn, it's that each and every person deserves all the freedom and peace in the world.

im crying

A Great Betrayal

OK.

So look.
look.
    listen.

Since I was barely a teenage, I have always enjoyed and adored post modern art. The kind of art that truly says "fuck you" to the tradish art world. For many years I have defended Damien Hirst and other 'shitty' and 'overpriced' artists. I am totally aware that my opinions are not unpopular, due to the fact that post modern art is sold for many millions of dollars. A lot of post modern art is extremely stupid but that's why I love it. Is someone, who is a part of the human culture that we are all involuntarily entrenched in, going to pay $50 million for man-made art crap?? Yes. Like fuck me it's not the artists who are at fault here. It is the public. The consumers. So fuck you to them, they fell for it and I, me, Hui, I get to admire it from afar with a smug look on my face as a slowly applause my computer monitor thing that streams internet things to me. I didn't pay a cent (except for the museum ticket I guess and I've paid in hours worth of my life) and yet I get to reap the benefits of weird as, cold, hollow, deadpan art. I weep at Duchamp's remakes of his own original Urinal sculpture thing and stare at Warhol's Brillo pad things with great attention and admiration.

I must confess I am truly an art wanker. But not for the hell of it, I have my reasons and I think they are strong ones. And yeah I'm sorry I like Banksy. not because I'm a basic person who likes street art and 'cool things', but because for a long time, Banksy has also been a big 'fuck you' to the art world and he is undeniably technically good and recognizably unique in style. Also maybe I am just a 12 year old boy who likes that shit.

But ok. Now on to the betrayal bit.

Since I was 14, I have admired and appreciated the works of Jeff Koons. I became a huge fan girl. Freaking out at the site of his pieces IRL. When I went to the San Fran MOMA and saw Two Ball Total Equilibrium Tank (Spalding Dr. J Silver Series) I basically died.

The series came out in the 80s but weirdly connects with me through the unchronological reference to Hirst's animals in formaldehyde works that came out in the 2000s. It was like those goddamn animals but they are basketballs and this was wayy before Hirst did that. I don't know why but damn it I love it soooo much.

Many times have I engaged in a conversation with an art person about post modernism. The response is mostly positive but a lot of people dont favour Jeff Koons too much. For the last 9 years I have made it my mission to defend Koons on every occasion.

Until now.

UM.

EXCUSE ME


JEFFF KOONS WHAT ARE YOU DOING


OMFG.

OK. Look. I have a bad history with LV. I hate that stupid brand. I just hate brands in general. I hate the dumb fucks who queue up and wait in the fucking cold to enter this fucking shop. so they can go in there. to spend $1000s. to own shit other people own. To drop those Gs just to be a fucking basic ass bitch. Listen. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm a dumb ass who will spend $50 on a collector's survivor buff. But look. Survivor is my religion. Without my #outwitoutlastoutplay and #forimmunityandreward mentality, I would complain 10x more IRL and would have not survived honours. I live by survivor. Survivor defines me. Survivor is a facilitator for social gatherings. Because of survivor, my friends come to my house to eat pizza, talk shit and consume alcohol with me. Thank you CBS.

Do people live by LV?? Is it possible to make a luxury brand the driving force of your social interactions and your motivations for life? IDFK. I could be. BUt ima judge you. Im sorry that is just an excessive way to live.


So i was walking past LV in sydney and immediately i saw the use of Van Gogh's name and most famous culture definiing work Starry Night and Da Vinci's Mona Lisa. I love renaissance art. I was so furious to see LV appropriating and reusing and commercialising these pieces for 1000s of dollars in commercial sales. People reuse these famous works all the time. BUT NOT LIKE THIS. NOt a big ass basic brand like this. YOU CANT DO THAT. YOOO I WAS MAD. HOw dare they. Does Da Vinci have a say?? because of him LV can sell these overprices containers to basic people. Can't create a culture? Can't come up with new ideas and aesthetics? No worries, we'll just steal whats out there. AND SELL IT AS A RIDICULOUS PRICE. Like yo LV is a designer luxury brand like can't you guys come up with your own shit? LIke this is way stupid

But then
the worst part came

after ranting about LV to all the people within my proximity, yesterday morning the news broke to me that the man responsible for this putrid appropriation was.. the king of shitty appropriation. The guy who's art has always been fuck you to the art world. but this time it was a fuck you to hui.

The only thing really Jeff Koons like about this stupid design is the leather bunny tag things that hang of and the bright coloured stitching. I can't believe Koons did this. How could he hurt me like that after all these years of my avid support???????

Look. I get it. It is the biggest fuck you to the art world by reusing artworks so famous you can never actually steal or own them. BUT WHY?? This shit is outside of the galleries. commercially available. Do you think LV fans know much about Koons? Do they care about the art world? Most of them are rich asian people that care about tags not culture. They gonna buy it and Koon's is just there like "ahahahah look I didn't even paint these yet i get the money from the collaboration"

I hate it sooo much. I get that he's taking the piss out of the consumer but the people are directly involved. and money is being made. motherfucking capital gains. If the money went to preserving art / culture establishments and funding for the arts, I could vibe with it. BUt this, I CANNOT. JEFF KOONS WHY DID YOU DO THIS. CONSUMERS ARN'T THAT SMART AND THIS ISN'T FUNNY TO ME. PEOPLE ARE PAYING SOOO MUCH MONEY FOR RECYCLED SHIT AND ITS NOT ORIGINAL. IN THE END ITS KOONS AND LV THAT MAKE THE GAINS. EVERYONE LOSES

I AM UPSET.


also fuck Chanel and their luxury boomerang shit. fuck that right off, tell your friends to stop being slaves to corporations who don't give a fuck.

ah man i just enjoy music so much

Like when a song I love comes on and it legit feels like Im on molly and someone is gently rubbing my head.

EMOTIONS

did you know the song YMCA is actually super really fucking emotional if you peel off the party song backing. here neil cicierega already did this pls listen. i listened to this and cried a lot. it's like, a pretty emotional song about being gay in a time when it wasn't really accepted at all


it was good to cry because crying is nice and i cry a lot

ok that's my post i love you guys and i'm still alive bye ❤️

Tell me why-y-y I'm so lonely

I'm just here. To mope about the disbandment of Wonder Girls.

I'm sad.

I'm just reminiscing about the first time I heard them, was in Vietnam in a room with Marlena, Brigitta, Hui and Hogg. And that was like the starting of my K pop obsession (with AfterSchool's "Ah").

So presenting, some of Wonder Girl's best hits:

 

Nevermind i can't go through more music videos im actually getting sad...

Also they're releasing their last song on my birthday!! WOw!

alex turner's voice tho jaysus

skip to 0:56





But seriously tho on  the plane today i was lookin for 'Do I wanna know?' on my phone but it wasnt there. Went to the qantas music and AM was the first album on the list. cthulhu is real



last year in december there was a report sayin they're workin on a new album and im creying

Why

I'm trying to sleep but I can't and all I can think about is why do I have my accent??? Like one day I just decided I wanted to sound like this and now I can't talk out of it??? Even tho all my friends speak  in a different normal accent? And so does everyone else around me? I must sound so out of place all the time.

Also every time I go on some subreddit to read about things I like, I find that the rest of the fandom totally disagrees with me. It's kinda weird that we're all into this one niche but like different bits of it?? Or view areas within sooo polarizingly

Thank you like a version

sad days become ok nights

sometimes i wanna stay awake and keep staying awake because if i sleep i'll have to stop listening to the music. The ones with crazy arrangements get me man