I'm gonna just write some stuff,

and maybe this counts as opening up cause I don't really like to talk about this kinda shit often but maybe it doesn't?? who knows. ummmmm this might get heavy so pls no judging

anyway so I'm sitting here nervously procrastinating away from doing this fucking italian translation speech thing. it's not even hard its just arduous I guess?? but I need to get the stress of it off my mind. it's not even the stress of this. this is an easy assignment and I'll find it that soon when I get to actually doing anything about it, it's just...

I've been super stressed lately and I guess I just need to say something maybe.
if you guys don't know (which you probs do) I'm currently in the middle of 'battling' a serious case of acid reflux/heartburn. this is the shit that makes it so I can't drink alcohol or coffee or eat pizza or any food with tomatos, onions, spices, blugh in it. on top of that I also might have some kind of heart condition (which also prohibits me from having coffee >.<) and on top of that my hands are still seriously seriously fucked up from the start of this year. which is honestly the worst of the conditions. it's just, living like this is really tough. it's not a tough life, I'm not some poor kid struggling on the streets of sierra leone trying to make a living shifting sand on the banks of a river trying to find diamonds. but still, it's stupid to even compare that because different places etc. it's just tough.
2014 has truly been a terrible year for me. it is incredibly depressing having every single thing that brings you joy ripped away from you. first it was video games and computers in general and more than that just anything that uses my hands. I haven't been able to play video games seriously since december last year and from here it looks like I may never be able to again. this is 10 months in and even after seriously going to the physio and hand specialists and everything after 10 months of apparent progress I'm almost back at square one because of a bunch of uni work.
same goes for guitar, back in year 11/12 when shit was pretty terrible for me I would always have the comfort of coming home and locking my room and playing guitar for ages. back in italy whenever I felt homesick I would go to the attic of the house and stare out the skylight at the clouds playing guitar to myself.
so no video games or guitar. ehh, it's shitty but I live.
but now I can't even have coffee or good food and medical procedures take so long to actually get anything fucking done. I'm sitting here eating nothing but rice and pasta and I've lost so much weight that for the first time since year 12 I've slowly descended back below 70 kg. (for reference I was pretty proud of the fact that since the start of 2013 I'd managed to stay between 75 and 80 kg; the worst I've ever been was 62 kg, bmi of 16). I can't sleep in an empty house or at someone else's because I might have an attack and die. they are seemingly triggered by that food that I'm avoiding but even still they have happened sometimes out of the blue, even on this autoflaggellation diet. coffee is my life blood and I've been off of it for 3 weeks now and I miss it so much!! I can actively feel myself being less of a person because of my lack of coffee. and parties are so shit when you can't even drink a single beer, like I'm not an alcoholic and I hope I'll never be but watching other people drink and not even being able to for fear of waking up and violently vomiting and maybe choking to death on my own vomit, and even if that's not what happens bad stuff is.

my life right now is so bland and stressful and I can't even just fast-forward time by sleeping through it and resting until my op (27/10; hopefully fixes the reflux shit!) because I have so many uni obligations with assignments and shit! and I can't afford to slip up because the degree I'm in has a 65% requirement across all subjects and I'm kinda slipping up and if I don't get the 65% mark then my going away to spain is not entirely guaranteed. and for some stupid reason, for some stupid fucking retarded reason I can't talk about this kinda shit in person and I have no one but my immediate family who I mention this to and both my parents look at things the wrong way and completely fail to understand, and jemma is away for a couple of months (I miss her so much~)

there's a lot of negative shit in my life at the moment (like I've just said) but there's also a lot of positives. I love humanity and I've been really pensive lately. I've thought a lot about what I like in the world and found some more stuff. the human condition for example, humanity is the best thing on the planet. I love it, and diversity, and all the little customs and stories and cultures of the world. so I'm serious when I say I haven't given up hope, it's just... fuck, man.. these is somber days.

like this semester everything was great and I loved my life even though my hands didn't work and I was being way more active and doing interesting shit and finally *finally* getting anywhere with girls and then nope lol. some random illness takes all that away as well.

I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. it'd say "vivo e basta" ("I live and that's enough") but that's kinda corny so idk. also I don't know where I'd get it, maybe in the crook of my arm or something?? ahh fuck I should stop typing this now. I have a lot of work to do tonight and my hands are already on fire from writing all this. in two years if I haven't recovered from this rsi bullshit I'll probably just go ahead and chop my arms off

good bye and thank you for listening <3 you guys are the best friends ever, ever.
-smaz