So I'm just going to say some things and at the end, the stuff is going to have been said

I don't want to say these things, but I have to say them, because it might stop me actually denying them. This is about illness. So yes. Last week I wrote about how it was bad, now I'm going to write about how bad and I don't want you to judge me, I just want to prepare you for some things, cause this is going to get a bit heavy. I also really need to put this somewhere, cause it's actually getting to a bad level of denial, and at the end of this, you might understand why.

When I started getting this stuff a year ago, it was pretty bad at the time, the sky was covered in patterns, I got really dizzy, and I'd have episodes of twitching and body dysmorphia, so where I didn't know where my limbs were. I had some odd symptoms then, admittedly, the colour change stuff and some light tracking episodes, I even had one weird episode with facial recognition trouble, there were panic attacks, some difficulty speaking, and a few episodes with head rushes. It wasn't pleasant but it was manageable. The symptoms remained only brain-based, and were controlled with a seizure medication called Topiramate, specifically controlling the dizziness/vertigo allowing me to at least leave the house. In January, possibly with medication, possibly just cause, many of them just stopped.

I remained, not symptom-free but my life was able to be undertaken without too much alteration for about 8 months, that is from February to September, so about a month after I'd seen the neurologist, who after 7 months of low level symptoms was considering dropping the dose of a seizure medication which could have been plausibly causing some of the symptoms.

Which brings me to September. I had an attack of symptoms which starts with a symptoms where essentially what happens is all the blood rushes to my head, I feel faint and I generally lose some sort of function, on that occasion, I collapsed to the floor and couldn't speak for 5 minutes. About a week later, after 2 more attacks like that, my symptoms returned in full.

These symptoms have escalated and while the ones a year ago were only in the brain, the ones this year also incorporate nerve problems and some sort of muscle or bone pain. Most of the symptoms that occurred last year have returned and become worse, that is higher frequency or stronger themselves. These include, the voice and facial recognition symptoms, some of the visual illusion symptoms, the twitching, and several others. I have not had a symptom free day for 2 months, and most days I experience between 5-8 symptoms, and maybe 2 new ones or 2 escalations every 3 weeks. 

The most problematic symptom I have is a heat induced parasthesia (my GP called it that, I call it heat rash not rash), that is like heat rash but there is no rash present, my skin feels tingly when it gets hot or I get emotional, I was suffering from this on Blackheath 3, it is one of my only non-episodic symptoms (along with the visual static/snow). If it cannot be treated, which is a possibility, then I may have to consider moving to live with Dad through Summer, because I can't actually functionally live here for those 3 months, yes shitty things that are not good to think about.

When I wrote that post the other day, this is what I meant to write and I have to tell the others as well, but the nerve and the bone stuff is scary. I'm so scared. And I don't think that's going to change, I keep waiting for my symptoms to change, and they're not, so I guess the better thing to do is just accept it. Accept I'm scared and try and move forward. That's why I made this post today when I should've before, but yeah, it's scary and that's ok.

Specifically I've been in denial myself, I don't really know what to do with these new symptoms, because it indicates a change I don't know how to deal with. My life is kind of being thrown into question, in as much as how much worse is this going to get? What do I have? etc. Being in denial was a safe zone for me, but it was bad at the same time, specifically when I was debating putting certain symptoms to my neurologist because I was scared of what I might have to face. I'm not offering excuses, but fear is hard to deal with. I'm going to stop now, but yeah that's what I mean when I say bad level of denial and heavy and all the other things.
(I feel a fair bit better now. and I wasn't sure if I was going to post this but I am going to, umm sorry about new information and stuff, here is photo of some trees I took that seems peaceful)