Monday, October 30, 2017
This is random
I just realised i've done this my whole life. But like I prefer being born in october because it has 31 days and that's more days so I get a longer happy birthday month. Fuck 30 days or february, they don't know whatsup
Sunday, October 22, 2017
6 months in... revelatory
So I've been away like 6 months now. I can't really believe it.
Life here is different to life in Sydney - and it makes me think about living in Germany a lot more, I guess cause there's a lot more similarities in weather and sometimes even in attitudes. It's a weird thing to experience how even things like the sun setting so early can remind me of something 10 years ago.
I'm going to be really honest in this post cause I think I need to be.
I don't think I could live here forever, but I also don't think I want to move back to Sydney. Before there's any rash judgements, I'm going to explain my position and why I feel this.
There are 2 parts to this - the second part is job which I'll get onto in a bit, the first is the social/personal development aspect which is the more complex.
My life in Sydney in terms of friends was really stagnant, sorry guys. I love you but I've known you for 10 years and because of my social anxiety, if I have somewhere comfortable I know I will not move from it. Because that anxiety means finding new friends is terrifying. Yes I knew my room mates and people through work. But being honest with myself, my social life was stagnant and I didn't really have a way to make new friends. I knew this in December last year by the way. Hence my step back from spending time.
Living far away from pretty much everyone I know and being alone a lot more has taught me a lot about myself. Basically that it's really difficult for me to start to form relationships with people - once I've met someone, I'm good - but at the beginning it's really tough. This is what made university basically torturous, and has made more personal relationships, a larger barrier.
My decision to not move back to Sydney is basically a decision to manage this issue. And yes, I know I can manage this in Sydney. But I also know the sort of person I am and how difficult this issue is to deal with. If I don't have to deal with it - the honest truth is, I won't. Cause social anxiety fucking sucks. Like it's the worst thing about my life most of the time.
That's not to say I want to be this far away, which brings me onto the second part, the job.
My job here is much better than my job in Sydney, because I'm essentially doing the job of someone one level more senior than me, for a year. Which is great. The other part of my life which was stagnating in Sydney was my job. So it's been really great coming here and learning more things and meeting a tonne more people and then getting to know the senior and more junior people as well as the other members of the marketing team.
I've made the decision this week, I don't want to go back to do the job I was doing before in Sydney due to waste of resource and the lack of career movement for me. I can't see the point of it really.
And if they do that, then as unfortunate as it will be, I will resign when my contract is finished. I will not look for another job in Sydney, rather in Melbourne or Singapore or similar.
I'm not really sure where this is going to end up but it will all need to be decided by January due to my flights needing to be rebooked. I will keep you posted.
So where does this leave us?
It's very dependent on my career; these are the current options:
Life here is different to life in Sydney - and it makes me think about living in Germany a lot more, I guess cause there's a lot more similarities in weather and sometimes even in attitudes. It's a weird thing to experience how even things like the sun setting so early can remind me of something 10 years ago.
I'm going to be really honest in this post cause I think I need to be.
I don't think I could live here forever, but I also don't think I want to move back to Sydney. Before there's any rash judgements, I'm going to explain my position and why I feel this.
There are 2 parts to this - the second part is job which I'll get onto in a bit, the first is the social/personal development aspect which is the more complex.
My life in Sydney in terms of friends was really stagnant, sorry guys. I love you but I've known you for 10 years and because of my social anxiety, if I have somewhere comfortable I know I will not move from it. Because that anxiety means finding new friends is terrifying. Yes I knew my room mates and people through work. But being honest with myself, my social life was stagnant and I didn't really have a way to make new friends. I knew this in December last year by the way. Hence my step back from spending time.
Living far away from pretty much everyone I know and being alone a lot more has taught me a lot about myself. Basically that it's really difficult for me to start to form relationships with people - once I've met someone, I'm good - but at the beginning it's really tough. This is what made university basically torturous, and has made more personal relationships, a larger barrier.
My decision to not move back to Sydney is basically a decision to manage this issue. And yes, I know I can manage this in Sydney. But I also know the sort of person I am and how difficult this issue is to deal with. If I don't have to deal with it - the honest truth is, I won't. Cause social anxiety fucking sucks. Like it's the worst thing about my life most of the time.
That's not to say I want to be this far away, which brings me onto the second part, the job.
My job here is much better than my job in Sydney, because I'm essentially doing the job of someone one level more senior than me, for a year. Which is great. The other part of my life which was stagnating in Sydney was my job. So it's been really great coming here and learning more things and meeting a tonne more people and then getting to know the senior and more junior people as well as the other members of the marketing team.
I've made the decision this week, I don't want to go back to do the job I was doing before in Sydney due to waste of resource and the lack of career movement for me. I can't see the point of it really.
And if they do that, then as unfortunate as it will be, I will resign when my contract is finished. I will not look for another job in Sydney, rather in Melbourne or Singapore or similar.
I'm not really sure where this is going to end up but it will all need to be decided by January due to my flights needing to be rebooked. I will keep you posted.
So where does this leave us?
It's very dependent on my career; these are the current options:
- Continuation of my temporary contract in the UK, I will stay here, despite the distance.
- Permanent relocation to the UK - this would be really difficult and I can't give a decision on this right now, mostly because of my family.
- An alternate location either with or without this company.
I said I would be honest and I have been. Many other things have been going on. But since I haven't really spoken with many of you outside the context of the group chat, this is an update.
Here's a photo I took:
Friday, October 20, 2017
Haha
These vids are great. The linkin park one is perfect for me right now, the trumpet in the background resonates resolution, like a completion of an objective and here i sit in Spain, jobless, but still working on it. I haven't given up yet.
I am a little bit of a hermit now, if you've noticed i'm easy to contact recently, unlike when I was in Japan for the first 3 months i barely spoke to anyone overseas. I can't risk spending too much money when I don't have an income, so I justify my days spent online (i'm not kidding, the whole day just sittin' on my but, a crossover of overwatch, job hunting, and netflix shows pirated through popcorn time).
I live in an apartment with 4 bedrooms. 2 bedrooms are for the 2 spanish guys, great lighting, mine and the other french dude don't have the best space or lighting compared to them but hey, that's life. I have a lot of storage compartments, it came with a desk and bed and built in wardrobe, so i'm content.
I get along with them great, I worked hard to make sure everyone feels at home here. I cooked more than a few times for 4 people without even thinking, and invited them all to eat when we were all together, or separate. Now the kindness is returned, and everyone asks everyone if they want some of their tortilla or pasta or whatever they've made. Now we sit in the loungeroom watching tv, ted talks and discuss them (which is great for my spanish haha).
I'm lucky enough that my room mates have the same bad taste in kung fu/comic movies, the two Spanish dude re watched 2 different Marvel series so that we can get up-to-date together and continue to watch 'the defenders,' to which i'm so happy. Just to sit there to break the ice of moving in together, and wach shit together, it's nice.
One of the other guys wants to start kung fu now, me too. I'll look into places and try them out, as i'm the one with all the time haha.
I now have an Italian boyfriend. We are trying at a long distance deal. I did have a break with him for about a week, then we came back together. He lives in rome so the long distance kills me, but our connection is great so it won't kill us yet.
Now for the juicy part. I have sexual tension with one of the guys here. One night we got plastered on weed and booze with his friends and another guy in the apartment (who didn't smoke, or idk if he knew we did) and my cousins who came for 3 days. We blacked out, nek minut i'm in his bed and he has a massive shlong haha. This happened when i was on my break with my Italian boy.
Holy shit i just got massive deja vu. Why does this happen.
Anyway, so yeah. It's all 'legal' in a sense, lucky i believe fucking room mates is a bad idea so i won't go do that again, but that's not to say we hug eachother in a more-than-friend matter. If he reads this, i don't mind too, i'm sure he'll agree. It seems he's opened up to me, and he admits to not doing that often. But somehow i'm talented in making people say what they really feel.
I've never tried it, but my grandfather had a friend that would do that same, and he had one question that made anyone able to talk. Alls you gotta ask, is, "are you happy?" I do it other ways, beat around the bush in a sense, get the same results. This is because I want to see people for who they really are, that's what's important to me. Cause there's so much face around in the world, and I grew up with you guys, who I believe are very emotionally, and mentally advanced than most kids our age in the day and present day.
TL;DR
So now. This is me in summary;
-Trickling down in cash, whilst looking for a job to stop that. Want to travel after my year here too, and need to save.
-Italian boyfriend, best guy to hang out with but barely see.
-Living in a flat in the hipster area, pass by people on the street that i now know, nice to feel some community.
-Have friends from US, England and Germany from the hostel I see once every 2 weeks-ish for drinks, they're great company and banter.
-Trying not to get fucked up too much as it makes me a sluggish human being, but lbh it happens ^.^'
-Missing you guys and the Sydney lifestyle, but also want to not come back yet, i don't think there's anything for me there right now.
-Thinking about;
a) Doing another degree to consolidate a working skill for myself
b) Flying to South East Asia and becoming a buddhist monk and fuck the system and working
for the sake of working.
c) Food. Also gotta stop sleeping at 4am and waking up at 1pm
Now that's off my mildly hairy chest i can make some lunch. They love capsicum here, lucky i've come to like it recently. Also no one else in the world calls it capsicum, they're all wrong.
Ciao4nao people <3
I am a little bit of a hermit now, if you've noticed i'm easy to contact recently, unlike when I was in Japan for the first 3 months i barely spoke to anyone overseas. I can't risk spending too much money when I don't have an income, so I justify my days spent online (i'm not kidding, the whole day just sittin' on my but, a crossover of overwatch, job hunting, and netflix shows pirated through popcorn time).
I live in an apartment with 4 bedrooms. 2 bedrooms are for the 2 spanish guys, great lighting, mine and the other french dude don't have the best space or lighting compared to them but hey, that's life. I have a lot of storage compartments, it came with a desk and bed and built in wardrobe, so i'm content.
I get along with them great, I worked hard to make sure everyone feels at home here. I cooked more than a few times for 4 people without even thinking, and invited them all to eat when we were all together, or separate. Now the kindness is returned, and everyone asks everyone if they want some of their tortilla or pasta or whatever they've made. Now we sit in the loungeroom watching tv, ted talks and discuss them (which is great for my spanish haha).
I'm lucky enough that my room mates have the same bad taste in kung fu/comic movies, the two Spanish dude re watched 2 different Marvel series so that we can get up-to-date together and continue to watch 'the defenders,' to which i'm so happy. Just to sit there to break the ice of moving in together, and wach shit together, it's nice.
One of the other guys wants to start kung fu now, me too. I'll look into places and try them out, as i'm the one with all the time haha.
I now have an Italian boyfriend. We are trying at a long distance deal. I did have a break with him for about a week, then we came back together. He lives in rome so the long distance kills me, but our connection is great so it won't kill us yet.
Now for the juicy part. I have sexual tension with one of the guys here. One night we got plastered on weed and booze with his friends and another guy in the apartment (who didn't smoke, or idk if he knew we did) and my cousins who came for 3 days. We blacked out, nek minut i'm in his bed and he has a massive shlong haha. This happened when i was on my break with my Italian boy.
Holy shit i just got massive deja vu. Why does this happen.
Anyway, so yeah. It's all 'legal' in a sense, lucky i believe fucking room mates is a bad idea so i won't go do that again, but that's not to say we hug eachother in a more-than-friend matter. If he reads this, i don't mind too, i'm sure he'll agree. It seems he's opened up to me, and he admits to not doing that often. But somehow i'm talented in making people say what they really feel.
I've never tried it, but my grandfather had a friend that would do that same, and he had one question that made anyone able to talk. Alls you gotta ask, is, "are you happy?" I do it other ways, beat around the bush in a sense, get the same results. This is because I want to see people for who they really are, that's what's important to me. Cause there's so much face around in the world, and I grew up with you guys, who I believe are very emotionally, and mentally advanced than most kids our age in the day and present day.
TL;DR
So now. This is me in summary;
-Trickling down in cash, whilst looking for a job to stop that. Want to travel after my year here too, and need to save.
-Italian boyfriend, best guy to hang out with but barely see.
-Living in a flat in the hipster area, pass by people on the street that i now know, nice to feel some community.
-Have friends from US, England and Germany from the hostel I see once every 2 weeks-ish for drinks, they're great company and banter.
-Trying not to get fucked up too much as it makes me a sluggish human being, but lbh it happens ^.^'
-Missing you guys and the Sydney lifestyle, but also want to not come back yet, i don't think there's anything for me there right now.
-Thinking about;
a) Doing another degree to consolidate a working skill for myself
b) Flying to South East Asia and becoming a buddhist monk and fuck the system and working
for the sake of working.
c) Food. Also gotta stop sleeping at 4am and waking up at 1pm
Now that's off my mildly hairy chest i can make some lunch. They love capsicum here, lucky i've come to like it recently. Also no one else in the world calls it capsicum, they're all wrong.
Ciao4nao people <3
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Friday, October 13, 2017
Sunday, October 8, 2017
did i leave a good friend's birthday drinks so I could watch a 1 hour recording of a RHCP concert and cry to it by myself? Is this the life I have chosen
yo so sorry about the Mr Saturns getting all weird and stuff. So there's a new thing on photobucket where they make you pay money for third person hosting.... I'll fix the side bar soon maybe on the plane flight to toronto. IDK.
Why can't I be chilled about things? Why do i have to be so into my obsessions? The song above has probably one of my most favourite guitaring ever. John Frusciante is a freakin genius and Im bummed that he doesnt do live gigs anymore.
Also I can't find a live recording of Slow Cheetah. Man i would die if I saw that live. Like absolutely 100% dead. John's guitar bit at the end really gets me.
Also what am I doing with my life? Like Im just doin shit. Like Im doin design layouts and stuff but im legit just spawning crap and making shit up. constantly. Im not trained to do anything I do at all. My life literally now is constant dicking around. What am I even doing? Is my company legit? Will some sort of meaningful life come out of this? Like im trying so hard in everything I do and I don't know what its leading me to or if anything is even good and legit. I feel like ive just been bullshitting and makin stuff up for so long.
Why can't I be chilled about things? Why do i have to be so into my obsessions? The song above has probably one of my most favourite guitaring ever. John Frusciante is a freakin genius and Im bummed that he doesnt do live gigs anymore.
Also I can't find a live recording of Slow Cheetah. Man i would die if I saw that live. Like absolutely 100% dead. John's guitar bit at the end really gets me.
Also what am I doing with my life? Like Im just doin shit. Like Im doin design layouts and stuff but im legit just spawning crap and making shit up. constantly. Im not trained to do anything I do at all. My life literally now is constant dicking around. What am I even doing? Is my company legit? Will some sort of meaningful life come out of this? Like im trying so hard in everything I do and I don't know what its leading me to or if anything is even good and legit. I feel like ive just been bullshitting and makin stuff up for so long.
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