Confession: I have been confined to a bed for 2 days.

Being sick is really weird. and like I feel like I talk about it a lot at these points when I'm going through a flare, and I think it's hard for most people who aren't sick to grasp, this is my every day. 

I don't get a day off from this. I mean it's always there, it's been there for 2 years. I feel kinda bad talking about it so much when  it's a flare but it's just so much part of my life. Today, I literally can't get out of bed. I fucking want to do painting and uni work but I can't. Yesterday, I got up, got a migraine or bad headache and went back to bed. I wish this wasn't a thing I had to go through, but it is.

Going on from that, I feel kinda guilty every time I talk about being sick, I second guess myself contiuously posting stuff about it on the chat, it always feels like a taboo subject. Like periods. I even feel weird saying I'm sick but that's what I am, sucks but hey, I literally can't get out of bed today without getting a shit headache and I have shitty chest pain.

And that sucks. Like the periods thing as well, but the illness thing because my life is fucking shit at the moment. I mean I am trying to get a job but I'm also wondering if I can function like a normal human being. 

When you're sick, it's like the good days might mean everything is fine, like I can still see visual snow and trails but I can function. And then there are also the bad days, like yesterday and today and thinking about it, probably tomorrow. No matter how well I eat or  how much water I drink, how little coffee I drink or how much alcohol I do, how many pills I take, there are always fluctuations. 

I've been thinking about the upcoming appointment with the Neurologist , maybe I'll be diagnosed with something shit. It sounds weird to say it but to me that would be a slight relief. At least then I'd have something tangible to go, this is what I have, this is what can be done, this is what's likely to happen. It sounds strange, but the worst thing for me would be going in there and someone saying, we still don't know or, you just have weird migraines. I am so sick of not knowing what's going on. It's so intangible for me, I can't deal with it, it's just a constant state of transition, flare and not flare.

I don't want to hear people's opinions on it 'just being migraines' again. I can't deal with  that shit continuously, because most of the time they literally have no idea what they are talking about. Oh wow, one time you were in pain? that's totally not like being sick for 2 years. I'm just so done with that. I have given my full allotment of fucks for that. All I really want to hear, is 'that sucks, I'm sorry, we care about you' although maybe not so overtly, not 'I knew someone who had something kinda not really similar and they are fine now', it's just not helpful, or re-assuring at all. 

Oh and at the end of all this, my dad said to my mum 'I didn't mean, I don't believe the neurologist, I just mean the neurologist shouldn't tell Emily, what the possibilities of her condition are, it might scare her'. Yeah thanks Dad, I'm a child who can't deal with the ramifications of being sick. You don't need to protect me, you need to support me and tell me you care, and that's it. That's literally all you have to do. I can deal with the possibilities of my condition, you're mistrust of the neurologist makes my life way more difficult than hearing things I actually need to know. I don't want to be kept in the dark like an 8 year old, christ. 

Ok this turned into a rant. I'm kinda sorry, but also I needed to say this stuff to you guys and in general.

pls take some time to be mesmerized by some urinary tract infection causing bacteria

proteus mirabilis
each line is one cell about 1 micron in width and like around 20 microns long?
but look how they move together and shit

It's that mood again

I can't get it off my mind. Is everything we see, all the things that we use in our everyday lives... Are they there because someone invented it for convenience of themselves and other people, or because if they didn't make these things then their world would be ended. The water filter i use, my headphones, the mirror on the wall; why is it they exist exactly. How much of this world is materially existent and how much is necessary.

I wish I was normal to the point that i had a partner, posted and liked things on facebook for them and recieve the same on my daily updates; that i work a 9-5 job happily to come home and talk about nothing and maybe save up for a house or a holiday somewhere; that problems outside of my own little world existed in a corner of my mind i openly choose not to understand and further expand. That is, i wish i knew no other way i spose.

There's just so much happening, everywhere. Why the hell do i keep taking on the burden of it all, and see all that i'm doing right now as utterly useless. I don't really believe in money even, sure as a means of trade of services it's a highly appropriate system; but since when did it dictate how i should slave my life away to it, forever bound to debts that will become motivation for sentiment of family or relationships.

I'm such a fucking uni student right now. Activism, 'out of the box' thinking, world views and such.

It's just so stupid, everything. So many problems are so logically easy to solve, but illogically occur day to day. Talk of regulation, and belief in its perfection; but admittance of small illegalities that benefit our greedy nature.

Wtf even is this world man. No, that is wrong, the world is fine; wtf even is humanity. It seems the larger we get, the more douchebags become created and lead the people into falsifiable outcomes.

I don't want to sleep, rest or stop thinking about it. But i know i have to. If i don't, who knows what'll happen to me. Will i leave home and start living a 'criminal' life because my beliefs are different and start stealing from people and taking away to survive. Alone i can't do anything, and organising a massive group in the first place is near impossible. As long as I had the right team i'm sure i'd be able to conquer these thoughts.. but fuck how far would it really get us? We'd have to play the game of law, which we know is impossible to win because it's a monopoly game with the other player owning the bank, rule sheet, and every property on the board. Can players break the rules legally?

I'm kinda over life's game. I don't want to live in this way of thinking. I'll say it again, i really don't want to live like this anymore. I'm not suicidal, just sick of life, nothingness is ok right?

I don't even know what to think anymore. Maybe i should stop thinking like the rest

Russian vocab- Toska

Definition-ish:
No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.

Now listen to the word toska. Can you feel anything about it?

I think I am kind of toska right now

I don't even watch this but

i feel like i've seen so much by this very generic 13 minutes of anime, gotta love it!

so i went to a joan miro exhibition here

guys i went to see a miro exhibit but it was a bunch of his b-sides and they put it in a church hall
unfortunately like the church was super fancy as all the fucking churches in europe
you know all these gilt statues of like. jesus and whatever made of marble and incredibly done,
so then when you look at the actual art they are showcasing. most of it was kinda dumbb
it was all legit completely blank white canvas, a couple of thick black lines
maybe a red circle too

the thing is i wanted to show you guys but there was no photos as a rule.
right so i was like "ok when i get home im gonna look up these images and post them to jrs"
anyway i got home and did that but nope lol
not even searching by name got me any of the artworks in google images and tbh i'm kinda doubting that they were even his works though
seriously?? like is that it. did i trek it out all the way to this church/museum on the other side of the city just to look at a bunch of rejects the miro foundation (all artists have foundations right?) could lend out? i guess i really will just have to go to a bigger (read: actual) city like madrid or barcellona if i wanna see real famous art

his art is usually so good tho!
even looking through google images the art there is way better than what they had
like even his b-sides are probably worth a lot right??
pretty much context makes art.
which is really fucking dumb!! i think that an artist's reputation should be less of a factor in determining the value (monetary and aesthetic) of an artwork
once you've made yourself a name as an artist your works sell for way more, regardless of the quality of the work.
i mean yes there's a difference between an authentic master artist's work and an imitator, so of course the price should be different? but not at the lowest rungs imo

anyway im sick and im gonna go put off my responsibilities and have a coffee and play some yugioh for ds now. that sounds good to me rn. bye

Procrastinating ft people opening up

Hey nakama.
So, recently, I've come across a few experiences of people opening up and talking about deep feels they have within them. And I mean specifically from people I don't know very well. So obviously I won't name them but some of the stories are pretty intense, I'm going to use this example so you know what I mean

Basically, this person, I'll call them Eight, was talking about being young and finding themselves.
So Eight is a dude of asian background. And his story is about when he was younger, he fell in love with a girl. We'll call her Nine. Their relationship was easy and natural and he super was deep into it.
Unfortunately, due to the class system that exists in the asian clan structure (im sorry i dont mean that but you know what I mean), the girl was taken from him and even returned to her original country, arranged to marry another man of the 'right' class.

Eight spent the next 8 years of his life just working and partying, but he did not see or experience anyone else. Meanwhile, Nine and husband were raising a baby girl. Nine and Eight were still in contact, although they were very distant

He then met another woman, who was also of his class and 3/4 of his race. They fell in love and got married. I'll call her Ten. One day, Nine contacts Eight. She has news for him, news that she had known all along. The girl she had been raising, who was eight years old then, actually belonged to him. He had a daughter in a different country, who he had never met, who was not revealed to be his until eight years later.  Since then he has met his daughter a few times, only to be introduced as Nine's old friend from school and addressed as 'uncle'.

Eight now has 2 other children with his present wife, She is uncomfortable with Nine, because of her past relationship with Eight. Neither she nor the children know of Eight's daughter with Nine. And apparently Nine's husband doesn't know that he is raising a child that is not biologically his. Eight says that only his mom and Nine knows, and now I know. In fact im unsure if i should even be posting this. But Eight didnt make me promise not to tell anyone.

He is afraid that if he exposes the truth that his current wife will not understand, that it will affect his other children, that Nine's family will disown her for bearing the child of a 'lower class' status. and how Nine's husband would respond. So I don't understand how the 'new' husband hasnt figured it out, i'm assuming he wouldve thought the pregnancy was shorter than normal. But Eight says that apparently his genes arnt too strong and I guess they're all asian..?? (sorry political incorrectness)

Anyway, the daughter is 19 now and Eight says he misses her terribly and is struggling with living a lie. he also misses Nine and he feels guilty keeping a secret from them but he couldnt help not knowing about his daughter until he was in another relationship. The truth will probably come out soon. He says that he has a feeling that his daughter has an idea that she is his

Anyway, I've met Eight around 3 times and had like 2 proper conversations with him... like what an intense thing to express to a stranger. To be completely honest, I feel like maybe I'm not the only one he has opened up to, and I'm learning a lot about people and what they say and what to believe. This is following another person telling me about his deep feels regarding a love interest and saying that i cant tell anyone.
but i later found out that everybody knows. Like is that a thing people do? like make you feel 'special' by telling you a 'secret' to establish a bond? Obviously not all cases are the same, but this has happened a couple of times

And when you read stuff like 'Humans of New York' and learn about super personal stuff of strangers. Like people just open up so easily when they have the avenue to. Maybe its not knowing so much about a person that allows us to open up. Its not having the burden of always seeing them or thinking too much about what they think of us, because so far they dont know anything about us.

And I can relate to this i suppose. Like when you know more of someone that makes you trust them less. A its easy to tell strangers stuff you meet on a one-off cause it doesnt really come back to haunt you. Its so strange that we have thoughts about us that hurt us when they leave our heads, or get in the wrong hands.There are definitely occasions where I would take back what I've told someone, had I known them like I do now. To take back the information I've shared. and not because they have released it or anything, just because of my changed perception of them. Like now I don't think they can understand what I meant at that time and are now misinterpreting it. Or also in a sense that I feel that they're not worthy of possessing my information.

An unfortunate event

So
Of all days for my phone charger cord to stop working.

On the evening following the acquiring of the lunch thief's phone number, my phone charger decides to malfunction.
As a result, I was remind the lunch thief through telecommunication the next morning. At around 3'o clock that day, I had finally managed to charge my phone for the first time

Unfortunately, and this is through fault of my own and my own only, the number had rubbed off my hand by this point.

No I did not have the sense to transcribe the digits onto a more permanent document medium.

Still no lunch box.

fer fucks sake.

Quick Upderp

Day 10283

Still no lunchbox
Yesterday I asked him for his number so I could text him to remind him to bring it
At the same time, my phone runs out of battery and my charging cable stopped working

I am unable to conduct my reminder
I feel like he doesn't have it
I feel like he threw it out to hide the evidence, thinking that he had gotten away with it.

It's not over yet.

Lunch thief update

Saw him yesterday
everyone did
and everyone knows who he is
what he has done

so i call over
'Yo. do you have my lunchbox'

He's already 3 days late

'oh uh sorry i forgot. when are you gonna be in next'

you bitch ass. literally you had one thing to do to make up for stealing my food. my ass you forgot you shady little bitch ass

'I'm here everyday.'

hot girl friend Ellen be like 'Yeah. we're literally here. all the time'

he says he'll bring it on monday.
bitch ass do you not realize what a big deal this is.

so im like 'ok'

and more people enter the room, eyes darting towards him

'hui'
they whisper
'it's that guy'

I know. Everyone knows. and we're here. 24/7.. nowhere to run... nowhere to hide...

To be continued...

Confronted my lunch thief

and i was super nice.
so  this was yesterday
he said he would bring back my lunchbox today

he has not.
its 6pm
he has not been here all day that fuck.
im not gonna be nice tomorrow

did i tell you guys that some bitch ass motherfucker stole my lunch at uni

like it was in the communal fridge (I put it there in the morning)
and then i went to get it at 4pm, super hungry by this point
it is not where I left it (behind my up&go)
I search the whole fridge
I search the fridge next to it
It is not anywhere
I lose my shit
I go to the communal table and ask if anyone's seen it
'Are you sure you havnt already eaten it'
'Are you sure you packed it today'

bitch ass motherfuckers

so anyway, I'm like describing the container.
I see a dude get up off the sofa holding an empty container identical to mine (he walks to elevator and doesnt even wash it at the sink)
I get ideas
no wait hui he probably has the same container, it's pretty common

Nay be like 'yo was there a chicken drumstick in your box' She caught him gnawing off a bone minutes ago.
And we both sniff the air
the distinct scent of singaporean chicken curry is lingering in our vicinity
Other friend Nina says she saw him eat rice and leaves out of the container earlier on
From my previous raid of the fridge, I have verified that no other lunch box present resembled mine. There could not have been a mistaking of identical lunch boxes.
Also the meal had to be heated up and consumed, 2 events that would have brought to light that the food was indeed not what anyone else had prepared that day.

Goddamn motherfucker ate my lunch. Stole it. and stole my container. Went through the fridge, opened up a plastic bag, heated it up and ate it. I consumed packet miso soup instead. after 6 hours of not eating I only have miso soup for lunch. Instead of the delicious complete meal I went to the effort of assembling that morning
This was last wednesday.

So I've basically told the whole building about it. Trying to make everyone turn on this dude. He doesnt even belong on this level. Like he just comes here and uses our lounge area. I'm pretty sure he's a member of teaching staff. Also he's a grown ass man

So since last thursday, I've been looking out for this guy. My anger growing each day.
I just want my container cleaned and returned

Tuesday this week: It's 5.30pm, I have left the building. Claire and a few others have not. They see the food thief enter the common area. Claire confronts thief (doesn't do a very good job)

"So last week" she says (paraphased obviously) "Did you eat a yellow chicken curry that had a drumstick in it and some rice in a container that was clear with a blue lid"

"No I did not, it also had potatoes in it. I didn't eat that'

Of course it had potatoes in it you motherfucker. Its a singaporean curry you bastard.

Anyway he apparently denied it and insisted it was not the meal Claire had described. But wait. She didnt even mention what day last week it was.

Motherfucker knew which day she was talking about
Motherfucker is aware of his actions. Appaz he kept a shady smirk on his face the whole time
The confrontation concludes and he rummages through the fridge. Before not taking out anything. probably sussing out what else he can scavenge

Anyway she returns awkwardly to the cohort where everyone's like 'What else were you expecting him to say'

Anyway it's been more than a week since the incident. I'm still looking out for the shithat. I've also grown more insane each day. I've brought another container like the one he stole. I'm going to ask him where he bought it from. I'm going to ask him if like me, it was bought from Aldi. Then I'm going to say I did not buy it from aldi. I'm gonna catch him in a lie. I'm going to expose him. I'm going to generate mistrust against him from everyone. He will get it. He's gonna learn he messed with the wrong honours student.

This is exactly the kind of shit that would only happen to me out of everyone
I'm going to hunt him down

hi
anyone home

hip-hop internacional episode 2: proyecto F3P / bronko yotte

so last time in my newly recurring segment "hip-hop international" in which i talk about the international hip hop shit i'm into, I talked about soprano the rapper francais who is really cool.

here's episode 2: F3P
F3P is a collaborative effort between a bunch of south american rappers, I think mostly from Chile (ZONORA POINT / JONAS SANCHE / BRONKO YOTTE / EMONE SKILLZ /KSNFAM / ARTBIZ, just to copypaste from the soundcloud page). It's a 22 (or 23?!) track EP with awesome songs like these:



but the best thing is the individual rappers themselves of this collective are heaps good!
here is a song in particular by bronko yotte which I can't stop listening to, it's so chill~ also it's strange hearing rap in spanish with more of an english-language style flow. it's interesting!



the end

Anime songs man

i get so many feels
anime songs are the greatest.