*high* guys how are you

hui is stupid

hey guys

you know how we all have that 1 or 3 things we're super obsessed with? Like i suppose for ru it would be kpop and manga.
like those things are our drugs and bring us so much happiness and energy and are often bad for our 'productivity'

well my thing is survivor
anyway i just wanted to express how much survivor shapes my brain and teaches me life
like the way i interact with people is influenced by survivor and my approach to doing anything is viewing it like an immunity or reward challenge

and today, i was starting up the second season again, when i noticed the starting theme was a little different to the current one. so i decided to watch all the openings in order (wtf is wrong with me) and when it got to Africa, i literally had to pause the video because i was too excited and had to collect myself.

i guess i realized how obsessed i really am with an american reality tv show that has been running for 15 years. i dont even know. help?
also fuck this guy he actually owns every buff, from every season of EVERY tribe, including pre-merged and merged, if only i had money (their around 50 bucks each unless you buy the current season which is 22 so if you started at 1 you wouldve saved money.. a lot of them arnt available anymore).

I made a playlist which reminds me of you guys <3

Personal Evaluation

These past few months have been like this massive psychological personal evaluation. Not in a bad way, but in a constructive, why is this happening? what is going wrong here? what can I do to change this? I guess it was something I really needed, and it's actually a good thing for me, but I realise it kinda goes on behind the scenes.

So like one of the things is like time management/self-discipline.
Like I can make it to things on time, and I'm trying to get better, but it's like self-discipline is a massive weak point for me, in many different ways. It has been for ages.
And there's like this thing that I know I should be better at it, and be more self-disciplined but it's like immediate gratification wins over long-term pay-off each time every time. Even with the most simple shit like going to bed, where I know I should just stop reading or watching tv and sleep, and I am getting better at it. but like sometimes it just goes out the window, and sure enough the next day is a mess.
A lot of the time, fixing it, being self-disciplined, just involves making a firm decision, but like sometimes, it's hard to do that, or like I'll compromise, and it never works.
It's like one of those adult things that, I know I really need to learn, or maybe not even learn, but like try to manage my own lack of self-discipline, and that constant uphill battle.

And then there's like pretending that I understand shit that I don't.
It has been the most freeing experience giving up that shit. I do not know the meaning of a lot of words, I don't know what some things in my courses mean and admitting that is the only way I'm going to learn.
I used to pretend I knew stuff, and like it was all ok, and I would skimp on stuff in my notes, and be like, I'll sort it out later. No. I realised, when I started reteaching myself French, that by doing that, the only person inconvenienced by that attitude is me. No-one's gonna care if I skimp on my learning. And like it's the same with the words and the uni concepts, pretending I understood, was only hurting my learning. I have to commit to knowing and learning. And sometimes it doesn't matter if I don't know what hegemony means but like if it was in a journal article, then pretending I know, was only gonna confuse me. Maybe that's just a personal thing, but finding out, it's ok to not understand, and to then seek help, was a pretty big break through.

There's also the not running away from things, which is like a massive thing.
I'm not gonna go into detail but basically, I have an impulse to run away from things which I find difficult, and I'll be honest, I basically collapsed my life doing this, like this is probably a big reason for the University failure, and all the other shit. That's not even an exaggeration.
I struggle dealing with situations which are emotionally challenging, and it's partially anxiety, but there's other stuff there which is about a lack of emotional development.
Anyway, I'm trying to deal with that, which is fucking hard. In fact, it's the main reason for the personal evaluation, because I don't want to run away again, but some situations are just not easy to deal with. (At this point, I'll ask you refrain from saying I get that, unless you genuinely do know what I mean; that compulsion to run away is universal but like I get to a point, where that is the only option, if that makes sense. And logically I know, I could do other shit, but I just can't, no ifs ands or buts, running away is all I have. That's what it is.) Point is, I'm trying to not run away, which is kinda difficult and means a lot of emotional management.

There are more things, but it's that sort of thing that has really been interesting to learn about my own patterns of thought. And some of the shit I realised, was really toxic to think, like I don't deserve my own malice, and I can do this shit. I also have seen/will see professionals that help me understand and manage these issues, but realising they were issues in the first place, is a thing that's like hard to do, so if you're still struggling at any point, I get that and I'm here for you.

oh man

I can't take it so much funny

Ahh man... Bring on the nostalgia

Test how fast you read!

Source: Staples eReader Department

MAN i am so slow... 24% above average but still wayy slower than the average college student...according to this

I aint braggin

But fuck haha... i've done 756 hours on Warframe... THATS A MONTH.. A whole fuckin month. I only check this, because i can't login atm as they're doin server maintenance. Haha wow.. I need a more useful hobby

Mannnnn

I'm so fed up with stupid Uni. Maybe it's just with my degree. Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Japanese and Spanish language & culture. Ima be real, it's almost embarrassing to say.. Fact is i really just want to study neuroscience however the pre-reqs are insane and unrelated sometimes. Specially cause i didn't do any science in high school (except physics :P) i'd be way behind.. it's just so damn interesting though.

I just want to ride in Japan. To be real, it'd be sick if i could have a sword on my back and fight some alien robots but that's impossibru. I love fighting, i'm fast (at least at my dojang). I like speed, going fast on things. Maybe i should become an astronaut. Idk why we still send people up to space, by now they should have techorogy to be able to operate satellites manually through robots and stuff, that we we could go way further. I spose we do have that, with curiosity on mars and satellites leaving the galaxy and all. Imagine if you chose to go in a vessel light years away from Earth, like, forever. The rest of your life. I lose myself thinking about the pure loneliness it brings, and the silence.
I'm procrastinating.. should be reading readers.
Yeah.. Anyway uni can be a sham sometimes... Like my friend taught in S.Korea for a year, and came back and continued at an English school in the city, but technically she has no 'degree' so she's not 'qualified.' Bullshit.

It's so easy to get lost in thought about 'what is this all really for.' Recently i've been thinking of post death sensations, i really believe as our cells are recycled through the ecosystem that we must undergo some form of feeling ... Circle of life maybe? Maybe not. Idk.




"hito-gomi ni maguretemo, onaji sora miteru noni" Even if you get lost in the crowds, we're looking at the same sky..

Ya shit Jon

and another thing (what is hell)

ok so im at home by myself and which is driving me crazy, due to me being an absolute nutcase so when im in my head its like im in an asylum. which is ok since the walls are pillows

it rarely happens to me but i was approached by a religiously-driven street preacher.
so normally they are pretty nice and passive with their 'jesus loves you' 'god bless you' stuff and if they start a conversation in which you do not want to partake in, they simply walk away.

but this one lady
told me i was going to go to hell and that my gay friends who have not repent would go to hell also.
and i wasnt being offensive, man. which I normally am
This time I was just conveying my inability to perceive hell in a realistic context and was thus not alarmed by her warnings.
but she kept on going. and i was waiting at a damn traffic light so she got me caught with her eternal pain bs. anyway, i ended the conversation with my usual bullshit of believing in microwaves, at least microwaves are well established to be real in a physical sense

so the internet has informed me that hell where you get tormented by flames, subjected to everlasting punishment, pain and evil etc etc
why is hell a literal destination of continuing physical and firey torture? what if it was some sort of emotional torture? like they put you through a life of knowing and loving people, then killing these individuals who you have establish great and deep connections to, leaving you in the greatest kind of despair?
since that is the reality for some people, how do we know we're not already in hell? if god wanted to punish someone he wouldnt tell them their already in hell and make them hold on to the belief that they'll eventually go some place nice. and the more they say shit along the lines of 'we cant be in hell, god would tell us' 'he wouldnt do this to his believers, i know this cause jesus told me', the more he laughs at them.
obviously MY life isnt bad at all, what if im just a puppet in someone else's hell, existing only to decrease the doubt that anyone could have that this is hell?
and what about other types of torture? like say you dont repent your sins and you just get raped in hell? would they ever say that? tell you thats where you're headed? if hell is pain then how would they know? is it too discomforting and controversial/inappropriate to say shit like that? 'You will go to hell, and there you will be a child who will be repeatedly gang raped and forced to think of your sins that led you up to this point.'

is it just nicer to threaten people with fire?

humans are intelligent bacteria

First off i would like to acknowledge my incredibly intelligent human friends that make me think and grow all the time. like seriously, all yall thoughts challenge me and i really feel lucky to think the way i do and a lot of it is to do with you guys.  so much of why other people outside of us think I hold any form of intellect is because of you guys. the way i think and speak and feel. thank yall so much

ok!

so what if we had a self destruct button? would we know how to use it? would be responsible with it?say if the button was set off at the right time that it would benefit the greater population, would we know when to press it? 

and say we did, since we've seen countless self-destructions before, its in our education, when to and when not to push it, how permanent the effect would be, who you would affect etc etc

what would the mortality rate be, what other issues would rise from it..

if death was that easy, would south korea be so hard on its students?

bacteria are actually able to do this. they do it under stress, leaking their internal systems so that their lifeless components can be recycled into the bacteria mass. Somehow, they coordinate to single out one or a few cells within the population to die for the greater good. They are able to regulate this ability so that it is beneficial for their colony.
they may not have human brains and do human things but they are capable of killing us and are more numerous than us. But, they also live really short lives and are spared by humans' greatest strength and greatest weakness: emotion . (emotion is also the cause for us to view a short life as a negative thing)

we may study them but they also study us in a less humanly intentional but more instinctive way that enables their survival. they are aware of us and act to respond to us. they can sense molecules (like say chemicals in our sweat) that we emit to move towards us, infecting us and colonizing, or just simply living in our gut and keeping us all happy. in truth, we need bacteria, and i guess they kinda need us.. but not really..

bacteria can live in other lifeforms to continue to rule the world. we on the other hand will not be able to digest food without them.  

we and every other lifeform are actually at the mercy of bacteria. every cow, fern, protist, algae, etc 

and we can all learn from bacteria. they are so successful because they work as a team.

how they evade antibiotics and immune systems and continue their population is all because they work together towards their uniform goals.

so humans are truly NOT that simple. we have emotion. we hurt each other and ourselves. bacteria dont do that. but bacteria do not experience a sense of loss or joy the way we do. but what is intelligence anyway? we're all trying to survive and satisfy our emotions.
Hell im making seemingly thoughtless bacteria emotional. using the term 'martyr' and painting an image that they are a hardworking, united and considerate community. but they cant think otherwise. they are just freakin bacteria. 

i suppose in the end humans are bacteria are totally different,  with different goals as such. is survival the definition of success? is it better to be simple or complex? is it better to feel great and feel like shit and create chaos or is it better to not feel at all and maintain order? is it even right to quantify and qualify these things? in the end, we all are just being. and being together. its too robotic for us (emotional fucks) to accept that progressing a population and assisting other members of our ecosystems is the natural goal. we can be influenced. we can be brainwashed. and we can hurt each other and our own emotions sometimes cause us to do shit that actually makes us feel worse.

Change huh

Man... When I listened to this.. I just couldn't help imagine myself in the future. It was a shock to me, I don't know why I did it, it's almost taboo.. But I imagined (with thanks to the picture)
"sitting on a park bench, my wrinkles in my face lagging over to form ripples and freckles of a worn out face, slight balding of the hair but not all completely grey in colour. I was in a park, overlooking a miraculous sunset, it's always been a past time of mine, leaning in on my walking cane as if to focus harder on those intense rose and yellow combinations bringing the purple of dusk, and the clouds in which will never form again in the same shape, but will nevertheless puff out into a new generation to face another day.
I sat over, thinking of how times have changed, people are more competent over the whole, technology advances and quickens our approach on life, extends it, and complicates it. The girls still wear flowing dresses, and boys for shorts; remembering the days of my youth when wearing such an outfit to stand out, or out of pure comfort was prime. Then, I briefly grieved, just for a second, on the faces of those friends who have already passed ahead of me, to eternally vanish from reality... but live in memory."

We will all die regardless, yet we might live on, our footprint is small among humans, and even tinier on the macro of the universe. It's just, I think i'm starting to understand more on life, and how death is important to appreciate it so.

It's just nuts. The amount of people that have died... Some happy.. Some angry... Some don't even know it hit them. But they're all dead- Every personality, thought, action they once owned is gone.

It really enforces the ideology of how we are mere intelligent bacteria, spawning one after the next to survive longer... But man it's hard to digest death, it's almost like a written rule of the heavens to contain us, give us a certain rule to abide by.

That... And our lack of predictive capability, yet ability to (not perfectly) recollect the past is just a combination for psychological disaster.

You hear about this?

It's pretty damn cool, 2015!

It's been a long fucking time.

Hey guys, long time no see lol

I totally forgot about this blog for about a year and so I thought to myself "is the blog still a thing?". Of course it's still a thing. I fucking love you guys, seriously.

So I just thought I would write about me now. Like my life now and maybe a little about the future even though I don't know what it will be.

So I'm in Japan, living with my mum, which has been weird because it's kind of the first time I've really lived with her since high school, I'm mean there's been a few months here and there but this has been legit living with her and it's totally... I mean it's different (I mean it was like 3 years of living by myself) but at the same time I've really quickly fallen back into my same old habits. Which means I'm probably more of a piece of shit than ever (for example it's 6 40 am and I still haven't gone to sleep (same shit different country)) . I've got old bad habits and new ones rolled in to one lazy mother fucker, but hey maybe I'll  turn my life around :p. Family isn't doing so well, my mum and uncle are having this big inheritance battle even though my grandparents aren't even fucking dead yet and it's just about the shittest thing that can happen to a family. It's fucking weird because it's like when I was here last year it was all chill but now just  fucking just attacking the each other in court  and shit and it's just so fucking sad, but I'm happy I'm here to support my mum emotionally. I teach English and tend bar. It's good because they're both jobs were you don't really need excellent Japanese skills and and the hours don't overlap often. Japanese is improving however, a lot of my students can't speak much English at all and  a lot of random drunk Japanese people off the street don't either. Obviously I don't have any qualifications for either but. ... I dunno I've managed not to kill anyone so far. I got one really close friend, max, whose this German dude who's like 6 foot 8 and super cool. He's an engineer doing an internship with a massive Japanese company, and yeah we hang out every weekend without fail but he works during the week 9 to 5. I got a couple other friends  and stuff but I'm kinda lonely especially compared to the hostel lifestyle where I was with people constantly,and even compared to before new years when I was going to the Japanese school and so had some seriously cool people to hangout with. Also spent a lot of time with possibly the hottest girl I have ever met, but we didn't do anything because of... Next paragraph. (ok there may have been some things but whatever we were super drunk)

A big development in my life is that I've got a girlfriend. A big problem is that she lives in London. We met in Estonia, and she's like.. Way out of my league, (hot redhead gamer chick with ridiculous body and I swear she's real guys) but yeah she lives in the other side of the planet. She came over for Christmas and new years and my birthday and stuff and it was... Probably the best month of my life. I have no idea why she likes me especially since I treated her like shit back in Estonia. But yeah we're in love and it sucks so much ass. She's the reason I got 2 jobs, it's so I can get some dough and head over there and have more cuddles and stuff, which my life is severely lacking. BTW you know how I'm shit at keeping in touch? Yeah long distance is the bomb (but to be honest I'm much better at it with eliis I message her every day and we Skype like 3 times a week). So yeah single muming this shit but it'll be worth it, because she's worth it (you guys would really like her, she's not quite nerdy but she's really into like comic books and fucking Disney and getting inappropriately drunk then naked and I'm in love with her so I just assume y'all would like her as well). Of course I'm doing all this and saying all this but I'm still the fucking worst, I done cheated, and for the worst girls too, but I'm doing better now. I'm more sure now.




I'm sorry I'm such a shit friend to you guys. I'm so sorry. I love you guys so deeply but I'm still such a shit cunt. I don't know why. I just can't come back, I feel like if I do I'll never be able to leave again, or like as if my life isn't in Australia any more. I know I'm come g back eventually, I just don't know when. Honestly it could be in 2 months despite everything I just said. I'm so fucking disorganised and lost and just apathetic about everything, my whole fucking life but whatever, I got a short term goal of get to London that's what I'm going for. My fingers are hating me just wrote this on my phone so I'm going to stop now but yeah.  Miss you

omg