ARRRGghhhHHHHGHHGHGHHg

ARGGHHHH. GODDAMNIT

I am so CONFUDELLED
AFFFFFFFFUGUGUGHh

My mind is just one massive neverending pool of thoughts and ideas that I can never grasp any individual one for more than a few second at a time...


AGHHHHH where do i start??/???????????
FFFFFuuu welll about a week ago while i was at my grandparents farm, i read the horoscope in a magazine about my star sign, Capricorn. Horoscopes i know are completely made up, but I like reading them just to see if they give me direction. I'm not sure what the main part of the horoscope was, but i remember it saying that "Soon you will come to a revelation that will positively affect you". Now, i've been searching for that "revelation" and whenever I find one, it just never seems to be it......

but thats my problem though... I know that I am going through a period of massive change (change? thats not the word for it, but it'll do for now) and I keep trying to find meaning in everything .. and it all seems so forced.. ARGHHH
Like, i keep trying to find principles to live by, and quotes and shit to live my life by... but its like im trying to find them for the sake of finding them... I need principles, but i dont know which ones to choose...

GODDAMN this is why everything was easier when I was younger. When I was 14 (which by then I thought was like the oldest and most respected age possible).. living in China, my principle was not to get caught up in Human shit, like dumb human problems were pointless and just to live my life...

So then when I came back, in yr 10 when I was 15, my principles was basically "I just don't give a fuck." And it worked.. Goddamn I was a cool kid then. year 10 was my best year in school, coz I was super close with you guys, I wore retarded costumes and jackets and stuff (which with me, 17 year old self, now sees as dumb, but deep down inside I'm jealous of my 15 year old self) and I was pretty much just a dude on earth wtih everything going for him...

BUt now, goddamn I've let my old self down. I've gotten so caught up in the most pointless crap, I see myself changing from day to day and I no longer see myself as a kid anymore... Loss of innoncence may be a part of it, but just growing up... EVERYTHIGN is so goddamned complicated when it shouldnt be AHHHHHG



One thing I strongly believe in though is the notion that Real Life is the greatest story ever told. I honeslt think that if a movie was made out of each and everyone's life, they would all tell compelling stories and none for one second would have a dull plot... but sometimes I just wish that my life WAS a movie, and that I had someone... like a character or something.. pre-set to come and make sense of the Stretching INsanity that is my thoughts... some ultimate revealling in the story; a sudden change in the way I see things.

But there's none of that, and I know, as much as I hate having to face things I don't like, I will always have to. I can always rely on you guys to be super cool guys, and talking with "characters" in my life does help (pretty much Nathan... I know and acknowledge that I rant about him to you guys, for which i am sorry if it gets annoying, but I sincerely believe that I would be a different person today if it wasnt for him), but ultimately I know I have to Go it Alone, I have to find sense out of all the shit in my head, and well.. complete growing up. That's one thing I've always pride myself on. I am always finding myself (like, on a weekly basis pretty much) finding myself in situations that I hate being in. But I know that if I go through them, face them, and do something that I am completely 100% uncomfortable in doing, I will emerge a stronger and more experienced person... doesnt mean I hate it all, but (i believe) from trials grows character, and if you avoid trails in life you fail to develop....



Hmmm and just on an unrelated note, in year 10 like I said you guys you the best people in the universe to me, but then as I grew older I found myself being drawn away from you guys, to the point that by around mid-year 11 I began even questioning my "constant friendship" with everyone... I wanted to go out and meet other, more hardcore people... I felt like I was being "tied down" to experiencing other experiences, but at some point between then and now, I pretty much realised that I don't have to do what my brain is telling me is the "cooler" thing, and now my love of you guys is stronger than ever. In a sense, in terms of friendship, I've taught myself to, again, not to give a fuck. Which is good. Yes, a good sign indeed.

________________________________________________________________________

Rational Maxim here: if u guys are worried there is no need to be at all. I'm not emotionally sick or going crazy or anything. All my problems are pretty much stored in my head, and I'm hoping this is all a part of the umbrella term of the process of "growing up." In a few years time when I look back onto the chapter of my story that is right now, I will see it as a trial that I went through, and I came out stronger.

(And, out of curiosity, do you guys ever do that? Have like a "rational" persona of you that you keep in your head at times when your ability to think normally is hindered? Like, when I'm drunk, I've taught Rational Maxim (who is also always Sober) to prevent me from doing the stupid things drunk people do. He acts as like a personal self-regulator that always knows best and is stern in his methods, but is only doing it out of love for fucking WHAT THE HELL Maxim. Maybe someday I'll introduce you guys to him.)



Now, to end the post on a completely different tone: