2012: My Summary

Since I probably won't have internet on New Year's Eve, I am going to write and post this now.
I guess I want to talk about 2012 for me, and what I have learnt because I guess, in terms of self-discovery, it has been one of the more eventful years.
You all pretty much know about what has happened this year with me, from the university, to the family, to the job, the bad situation and the more recent stuff. And I've received a variety of reactions about my last 6 months, from comments like "waste of time" to "needed realisation" to "We've all been there" to "Stuck in a rut" from various family and friends.
I would suppose that because I wasn't at University and I didn't have a job that this could be classified as a waste of time, and I'm not stupid enough to think that none of you think that. That's ok with me.
This year has been a lot of things, but I would not say it has been a waste of time, because it brought me to a realisation that I needed to come to. One, that I probably should have realised a while ago and one, that you guys have had or will get to eventually, maybe never but I guess it depends on the person.

This may sound kind of odd and a little new age crap but just stick with me.
My realisation is that, this is my life. I know that we all know that about our own respective lives to a degree but I seriously mean it; someone else is not going to give 2 shits about my life when all is said and done. I don't mean, you don't care about my well-being or something along those lines. I mean, the only person who is going to experience my life and suffer if it's not good, is me. The same goes for everyone and their respective lives.
So if this is my life, and ultimately the satisfaction is only my own, then is there any point in being unhappy?
One day in October, I was sitting in a park, exhausted and slightly depressed and I asked myself a question; "honestly, in the next 80 or so years, what do you want?" And I thought about it, and the usual answers ran through my head, "A job, a house, friends" and then I thought to myself, "Really, you have a job now, you have a house and you have friends, yet you are sitting in work clothes in a windy park at 7:30am, so you don't have to explain this to your mother, you want this, don't you? if not, what the fuck are you doing wrong then?".
I thought some more about the difference between what I wanted and what I had and I decided that it was more along the lines of a difference in me. I mean, we are all taught to get that job and that car and that phone and that holiday and that house with space and I've watched my parents do that, and my grandparents have that and you know, I don't think they've been happy for most of it. Everyone around me seems to spend their time between work and home and they spend their time at work wishing they were at home and their time at home, wishing they had more time, so they could do more things they don't actually want to do, like filing and shopping, so they have time for all the things they want to do, but they never really get round to it. Waiting for the holidays but never really living them because the realisation crashes down on day 2, that they have to go back to real life and real life sucks.
So sitting on a bench, in a cold park in my work clothes, I decided "Ultimately, I don't really care what I do, or what I get, all I pretty much want is to be happy; I have the life choice, no one else is going to have the ultimate power in deciding how I spend my life, and no-one else is going to truly be me and make the decision. So if I want to be happy, then I can be and I don't have to spend my life living for the weekend or sitting in a job, I don't want" And it seems like a stupidly irrelevant decision for all the shit in 2012, but it isn't. Honestly, after working to Engineering for 4 years, I've decided that Civil Engineering is not really how I want to spend my life, because it doesn't make me happy.
And honestly, I want a magnificent life and this isn't going to be magnificent. It just isn't.

I don't really know 100% what I want to do, but I think I'm just going to try a few things. I will go back to University, and change my major, maybe to Media and Environmental Engineering. Because I like environmental stuff, and I like media and I've pretty much realised that we can all do anything if we try. We really can, trust me, we can all learn and that's all you need.
In the meantime, I have you guys as friends and an interview at Bunnings, so I can get a job and maybe buy a new laptop and I have my film and my family and you know that's all I need for now.
So thanks for being there for me in 2012, and I hope to see you all in 2013.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
I love you all