Boredom

I think this is the first time I have experienced true boredom.

I have nothing to do. Actually nothing. Like ---->                <--- that kind of nothing.

There is nothing I can think of to do.

I spent friday looking through draws in my cupboard trying to find something to do.

I have now given up getting up before midday because I actually have nothing to get up for.

I can't even get a job cause it seems a little pointless as I am away for a month in 2 weeks.

Seriously, what are you guys doing?

I got nothing.

Plus behind it is this psychological melting pot, and all this spare time means I have to confront what's in that goddamn pot and it's scary as fuck.

Like first there is the constant fear I won't get my 91 or 95 Atar. The constant fear I won't be able to achieve my goal of becoming an engineer. Then I kinda don't know what to do. The fear that what I have designed my life to become, will not be what I can do. The fear that I just am not be good enough.

Then there is this lingering sadness that I won't see Jon and Sam at the same time for 11 whole months, and Chelyne, Jules and Maxim will probably move to Canberra in March and Alex goes on exchange then too (sorry I thought I put this in before) and Liam might go to the US in August.

And under that again is the idea that if I move to Europe, firstly, I won't see my mum and sister for at least a year and that's so stressful for me personally, as my mum has always been there and being, what is it? like 15000 km away is like, god. Growing up is so scary, like I know I gotta leave at some point but I never thought it could be so far.

Then also if I do go, I'm not going to see people, our friends, like together (if I am realistic in terms of flying to Australia being expensive) for at least a whole 2 yrs. and I know I will make new friends and such but you guys have been so amazing in the last 4 years that leaving you, even thinking about it writing this post is almost bringing me to tears. Fuck I mean, you guys have been a part in making me who I am and I have so many memories of our times and you know it all ending is like. Fuck. like just. Fuck. Like you know how it was leaving IGS, how your whole part of life you know well is kinda ending. This is like that again but oh so much worse, cause IGS was sorta missing everybody but this is like it all again, but being 15,000km away.
It's sad.

So yeh that wasn't meant to turn into analysis of my fears but it kinda did.
Also if I move, you all have to get Skype so we can talk properly, cause I don't want to lose you guys. (And swiss internet is awesome)

I will finish with this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, because I feel it pertains most to my own feelings and probably also the feelings of others.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."