reality

damn man

at the start of the year and all through the year, i just looked forward to summer. just like thinking bout roadtrips, beach, trashy parties, sunsets, mocktails, shopping...

i just somehow thought that after school, that it would be the best holiday ever. like walkin barefoot on roads and climbin trees

but so far, i spent today lookin for jobs on the internet and doin more research on colleges. i know these things are real important right now. maybe the most important things right now.

but i just wanna be lazy and have fun. make all my mistakes now so i dont in the future.

but then i keep thinking

why i think about the future so much?

and then i remember,

oh yeah cos ma and dad would be disappointed otherwise. and so will i. and so i wont feel like a lazy useless shit.

but then my mind goes in circles and i start thinking, whats so wrong with being a lazy shit? like right now, whats so wrong about doing nothing?

and i always accept myself. i think thats my special skill. i can accept whoever i am. so i cant be a better person. cos i keep being satisfied with whatever outcome.

but right now. i dont think i can make it into anything.

i keep talking shit. keep talking like i know errything. but i dont. cos i lie alot. especially to myself. and it has always worked. so i keep doing that. and everyone i see who i think is way better off than me always complainin bout how they is uncertain and stuff. and all i can think is damn why you say that, you got shit to write on your resume. and you smart so you gone get into whatever you want.

i keep sayin, yeah, i gone be in canadia. i gone live and learn there. in one of the best colleges in the area. but like, realistically, i dont know if i'll make it. and the application fees are damn expensive. and i just keep thinking that ima spend all this time and money and not get there.

i always think to reach for the stars so if you fall you land on a cloud. but i dont know how soft this cloud is. for all i know, clouds are big balls of tiny water droplets. like you aint gonna sit on it, you just fall through, a big thick fog. warm and damp. like a real humid day in vietnam or something. and after you past through that, you fall forever until gravity hits you against some hard or soft surface. hopefully soft. but thats unlikely.