I'm so fucking itchy. Everywhere. I put dermo creme on but it seems to irritate some areas more- and now i've gotten to the point where it aint satisfying until blood comes out.
This is hell
I can't sleep

Man family is annoying.

Family is annoying as shit.

Like okay I'm gonna rant a bit here, so Dad and Anshoo are here now, and like everything has to be my Dad's way, like just no matter what, what he says goes. I don't agree with him a lot, because at this point in time, I am no longer a child and being forced along with everything he does as an adult, being treated like a child is hugely irritating. 

Like today, I was clearing up the inside table and he was like, I want to sit outside, and that had to be the thing, and like it'd be fine if that was it but they made me stop clearing up the inside table, because that was unnecessary. Like my actions were not a terrible thing, if it rains, we're gonna need the inside table, if it's cold, we're gonna need the inside table, but no apparently, I did the wrong thing and I was sent off like a naughty child. They're also super set on family meals which like would be fine except like every meal is a family thing, even takeaway, like nothing can be a quiet affair, the table always has to be set and everyone has to come and sit down and eat together. I mean it's probably just in such a contrast to my daily life, cause family meals aren't a thing for me, at least not on a regular basis, other than special occasions cause it's really not thing when we'd all rather be doing other things or actually do have other things to do, and they were shocked at this and then realised my age, something they admit they forget.

Dad also has this tension around him, every single time he's ever dealing with anything it's stressful, and I just hate dealing with it, it's always work or family or something that he's stressing about and it's wound around him and everyone around him like spiderweb. It's really toxic to be around. 

Just generally it's a really awful uncomfortable atmosphere, and sometimes it's just not that fun. 

At least Sophie is suffering with me, and I still have to get through the big Family Christmas Eve and Day Celebration. Yay!

(⊙︿⊙ )

This tv show explains so much about me

Hey wonder~

Are governments and their control really necessary? I hope one day when we are a highly intelligent race with a 100% educated people we could co-ordinate and dismiss the 'big brother' mentality that we are headed to.

It's crazy how we are the future. But will soon be the past.

Today whilst walking home, I saw what looked like a hipster party at a cafe, and as I closed in saw that it was a celebration for a lady who just turned 100 and is throwing a public party (trust the hipsters to a) be the ones to find out about it and b) mooch for all the free food and booze).

But like... 100... That's an achievement. Irrational for most, but possible for some. It's weird how we have to die, i wonder what comes of it.

人生は不思議
(what it says under HEY WONDER in the video, means life is strange).

That is just the tip of the iceberg of how i've been thinking as of late. Think think thinkinggg

After all the planning i was doing for exchange sem 2 next year...turns out i just remembered my bro gets married in dec. Bye spainnnn. I guess i'm stuck in straya for a while

Waste

I find myself throwing out a lot of pill bottles and boxes and things cause I take a lot of medicine now. I feel like I'm doing things they do in movies and TV to represent addiction in a way, I find movies don't really represent where I sit in my life very much, particularly not in terms of (lack of) addiction. But anyway, I chuck out a lot of medication bottles, sachets, packaging, and it seems like it's always used to represent some sort of addiction and this is a weird thing that constant medication use means to me. Like many people, most people in fact that take constant medication are not addicted to it, they just need it to get by, like me, so why is addiction the first thing that springs to mind? Like I mean I semi-know the answer but I also sorta don't.

People don't want to be confronted with sick people but that implies everyone who takes medication everyday is sick, which is kinda not really 100% true. I mean, people on the pill could be taking medication each day, they aren't necessarily sick, like there's a massive contrast between being confronted with people who are sick and basically bedridden, and taking medication and people who are taking medication on a daily basis and still functioning and basically having a normal life, and there's many shades between.

I don't really have a point.

In other news, I had an ultrasound this week and I get to have another one next week, and there was another blood test, so yeah, I'm really glad medicare exists. So many doctors. I've literally had like 13 different tests in the past 18 months like scans or electrical measures, x-ray, LP, etc, and so many blood tests. Like so many. I think they've tested my general blood count, whatever that is, like 5 times now. My symptoms are acting up 99 different ways and worsening and I honestly just don't know how to deal with it all. I just don't even know what to do any more, like the symptoms are becoming the focus but not even because I'm focusing on them because there are so many of them they sort of cover over things, maybe I should go see somebody, or something, I dunno. Fuck, sorry guys, shit's hard right now, it's been a not good week.

Anyway, here is a picture of something nice

A photo of a baby monkey I took in India

this song gets me through the days

making a game

so I'm making a game again in my spare time
this time using an adult programming language
check it out here

...ok I'll admit there's not a lot there at the moment

Essays and no.

I should be doing my essay but I don't wanna. So many methods of procrastination, it's due on Wednesday though and I don't want to be rushing to complete it then in case I feel shitty then, and it's a bad day. So I have to at least write a rough draft today, so it's all good for Wednesday if things are not good. Busy week is busy

Also, check this photo out from the cocktail evening. my mum thought this photo was funny, cause we were all looking one direction (except Marlena).

I'm on a photo binge atm, anyway, I will go back to writing/starting my essay now.

I woke up at 7, gamed till 9-9:30, then went back to sleep till 12... Then woke up and forgot i gamed and was surprised/sad to see i'd already done the achievements. I also watched avatar in that time, and forgot. #beingprepared

Ha ha ha. ha ha ha. ha. ha

its naruto day.. they did it.. seven hunned..

also this is the 4200th post of this blog (includin unpublished drafts)

Update in my life.

my roommates are in a passive aggressive fight because one of them was telling me about how she couldn't sleep since the other was having really bad loud sex and she was all:

"You know what it is, they've been going out for 4 months and he's just not good. She's so loud because it's all fake, it sounds like really bad porn. (I was all yea you know all about bad porn) It's not even passionate. It's just bad fake sex."

And my other roommate overheard this so.

Friendly reminder that Naruto(manga) ends on November 10th

Also I really suck at keeping in contact with all of you but I really miss you guy's vibe and love for life more then anything.

I want a 'hang' (the UFO-like instrument)

Apparantly the Japanese vocalist has a 'japanesey' German accent in this, ist es wahr?

So I'm just going to say some things and at the end, the stuff is going to have been said

I don't want to say these things, but I have to say them, because it might stop me actually denying them. This is about illness. So yes. Last week I wrote about how it was bad, now I'm going to write about how bad and I don't want you to judge me, I just want to prepare you for some things, cause this is going to get a bit heavy. I also really need to put this somewhere, cause it's actually getting to a bad level of denial, and at the end of this, you might understand why.

When I started getting this stuff a year ago, it was pretty bad at the time, the sky was covered in patterns, I got really dizzy, and I'd have episodes of twitching and body dysmorphia, so where I didn't know where my limbs were. I had some odd symptoms then, admittedly, the colour change stuff and some light tracking episodes, I even had one weird episode with facial recognition trouble, there were panic attacks, some difficulty speaking, and a few episodes with head rushes. It wasn't pleasant but it was manageable. The symptoms remained only brain-based, and were controlled with a seizure medication called Topiramate, specifically controlling the dizziness/vertigo allowing me to at least leave the house. In January, possibly with medication, possibly just cause, many of them just stopped.

I remained, not symptom-free but my life was able to be undertaken without too much alteration for about 8 months, that is from February to September, so about a month after I'd seen the neurologist, who after 7 months of low level symptoms was considering dropping the dose of a seizure medication which could have been plausibly causing some of the symptoms.

Which brings me to September. I had an attack of symptoms which starts with a symptoms where essentially what happens is all the blood rushes to my head, I feel faint and I generally lose some sort of function, on that occasion, I collapsed to the floor and couldn't speak for 5 minutes. About a week later, after 2 more attacks like that, my symptoms returned in full.

These symptoms have escalated and while the ones a year ago were only in the brain, the ones this year also incorporate nerve problems and some sort of muscle or bone pain. Most of the symptoms that occurred last year have returned and become worse, that is higher frequency or stronger themselves. These include, the voice and facial recognition symptoms, some of the visual illusion symptoms, the twitching, and several others. I have not had a symptom free day for 2 months, and most days I experience between 5-8 symptoms, and maybe 2 new ones or 2 escalations every 3 weeks. 

The most problematic symptom I have is a heat induced parasthesia (my GP called it that, I call it heat rash not rash), that is like heat rash but there is no rash present, my skin feels tingly when it gets hot or I get emotional, I was suffering from this on Blackheath 3, it is one of my only non-episodic symptoms (along with the visual static/snow). If it cannot be treated, which is a possibility, then I may have to consider moving to live with Dad through Summer, because I can't actually functionally live here for those 3 months, yes shitty things that are not good to think about.

When I wrote that post the other day, this is what I meant to write and I have to tell the others as well, but the nerve and the bone stuff is scary. I'm so scared. And I don't think that's going to change, I keep waiting for my symptoms to change, and they're not, so I guess the better thing to do is just accept it. Accept I'm scared and try and move forward. That's why I made this post today when I should've before, but yeah, it's scary and that's ok.

Specifically I've been in denial myself, I don't really know what to do with these new symptoms, because it indicates a change I don't know how to deal with. My life is kind of being thrown into question, in as much as how much worse is this going to get? What do I have? etc. Being in denial was a safe zone for me, but it was bad at the same time, specifically when I was debating putting certain symptoms to my neurologist because I was scared of what I might have to face. I'm not offering excuses, but fear is hard to deal with. I'm going to stop now, but yeah that's what I mean when I say bad level of denial and heavy and all the other things.
(I feel a fair bit better now. and I wasn't sure if I was going to post this but I am going to, umm sorry about new information and stuff, here is photo of some trees I took that seems peaceful)

how i think lesbian sex works

.

i really need to study....

Best acting

I'm gonna just write some stuff,

and maybe this counts as opening up cause I don't really like to talk about this kinda shit often but maybe it doesn't?? who knows. ummmmm this might get heavy so pls no judging

anyway so I'm sitting here nervously procrastinating away from doing this fucking italian translation speech thing. it's not even hard its just arduous I guess?? but I need to get the stress of it off my mind. it's not even the stress of this. this is an easy assignment and I'll find it that soon when I get to actually doing anything about it, it's just...

I've been super stressed lately and I guess I just need to say something maybe.
if you guys don't know (which you probs do) I'm currently in the middle of 'battling' a serious case of acid reflux/heartburn. this is the shit that makes it so I can't drink alcohol or coffee or eat pizza or any food with tomatos, onions, spices, blugh in it. on top of that I also might have some kind of heart condition (which also prohibits me from having coffee >.<) and on top of that my hands are still seriously seriously fucked up from the start of this year. which is honestly the worst of the conditions. it's just, living like this is really tough. it's not a tough life, I'm not some poor kid struggling on the streets of sierra leone trying to make a living shifting sand on the banks of a river trying to find diamonds. but still, it's stupid to even compare that because different places etc. it's just tough.
2014 has truly been a terrible year for me. it is incredibly depressing having every single thing that brings you joy ripped away from you. first it was video games and computers in general and more than that just anything that uses my hands. I haven't been able to play video games seriously since december last year and from here it looks like I may never be able to again. this is 10 months in and even after seriously going to the physio and hand specialists and everything after 10 months of apparent progress I'm almost back at square one because of a bunch of uni work.
same goes for guitar, back in year 11/12 when shit was pretty terrible for me I would always have the comfort of coming home and locking my room and playing guitar for ages. back in italy whenever I felt homesick I would go to the attic of the house and stare out the skylight at the clouds playing guitar to myself.
so no video games or guitar. ehh, it's shitty but I live.
but now I can't even have coffee or good food and medical procedures take so long to actually get anything fucking done. I'm sitting here eating nothing but rice and pasta and I've lost so much weight that for the first time since year 12 I've slowly descended back below 70 kg. (for reference I was pretty proud of the fact that since the start of 2013 I'd managed to stay between 75 and 80 kg; the worst I've ever been was 62 kg, bmi of 16). I can't sleep in an empty house or at someone else's because I might have an attack and die. they are seemingly triggered by that food that I'm avoiding but even still they have happened sometimes out of the blue, even on this autoflaggellation diet. coffee is my life blood and I've been off of it for 3 weeks now and I miss it so much!! I can actively feel myself being less of a person because of my lack of coffee. and parties are so shit when you can't even drink a single beer, like I'm not an alcoholic and I hope I'll never be but watching other people drink and not even being able to for fear of waking up and violently vomiting and maybe choking to death on my own vomit, and even if that's not what happens bad stuff is.

my life right now is so bland and stressful and I can't even just fast-forward time by sleeping through it and resting until my op (27/10; hopefully fixes the reflux shit!) because I have so many uni obligations with assignments and shit! and I can't afford to slip up because the degree I'm in has a 65% requirement across all subjects and I'm kinda slipping up and if I don't get the 65% mark then my going away to spain is not entirely guaranteed. and for some stupid reason, for some stupid fucking retarded reason I can't talk about this kinda shit in person and I have no one but my immediate family who I mention this to and both my parents look at things the wrong way and completely fail to understand, and jemma is away for a couple of months (I miss her so much~)

there's a lot of negative shit in my life at the moment (like I've just said) but there's also a lot of positives. I love humanity and I've been really pensive lately. I've thought a lot about what I like in the world and found some more stuff. the human condition for example, humanity is the best thing on the planet. I love it, and diversity, and all the little customs and stories and cultures of the world. so I'm serious when I say I haven't given up hope, it's just... fuck, man.. these is somber days.

like this semester everything was great and I loved my life even though my hands didn't work and I was being way more active and doing interesting shit and finally *finally* getting anywhere with girls and then nope lol. some random illness takes all that away as well.

I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. it'd say "vivo e basta" ("I live and that's enough") but that's kinda corny so idk. also I don't know where I'd get it, maybe in the crook of my arm or something?? ahh fuck I should stop typing this now. I have a lot of work to do tonight and my hands are already on fire from writing all this. in two years if I haven't recovered from this rsi bullshit I'll probably just go ahead and chop my arms off

good bye and thank you for listening <3 you guys are the best friends ever, ever.
-smaz

Yes, i completely agree, only relevant things

I only post relevant and quality content.

I dunno what to do

I dunno how to say this but illness stuff is bad rn. I hate having to tell you this but it's an honest truth right now. I hate having to tell you, cause first, I have to admit it to myself, which is fucking hard, cause it sort of feels like failure. I also feel like I'm stressing you guys out, which I'm sorry if I am.

And like I have a cough thing at the moment so that might be making things worse, but even without that, things weren't great and I've been trying to tell you guys for weeks, but as I said, it's hard to say, cause like I don't want to be the person that is that stress out, and you can talk to me about it, if you're worried, like I'm cool to answer questions, I'm not in danger or seriously hurt, whatever I've got is just flaring so things are shitty.

And I can't pretend they aren't, which if I'm 100% honest with you, and like I'm only going to say this once, I do pretend, I pretend constantly that everything is better than it is, and I'm ok pretending most of the time but like you need to know that not everything is ok right now. I mean I go through ups and downs of how many symptoms I experience with the days and how optimistic I am and how much I pretend it's not affecting me, not necessarily related, but like it's pretty bad right now, so yeah I needed to tell you guys that.

Anyway, here is a photo from Europe, and a resource of gifs that I favourited ages ago and forgot about (here)

Digressing as usual

So we are still trying to find out the real causes of what it means for one sex to desire another of the same sex.
As a human race we breed, subconsciously passing on knowledge to the next generation and so forth to advance in this world. We have certain instincts, like that of a tiny bacteria we essentially yearn for certain things for survival, reproduction being one of them. Although now, rather than being a tiny bacteria, it is way more complex, food, water, shelter, other people, knowledge and such we still strive for. But what if, we eliminated one of these?
What if, that is, there was no sense of future in our neural workings... Rather nothing to continue on out, where sex is carried out for more a pleasure or stress relieving task than to reproduce.
I was just thinking, in Japanese history it was told during the "heian period" (maybe i'll try add a link here), also known as the 'peace era' way back somewhere around 800 years ago. In this period it was known that there were a lot of homosexual relationships. Is it harmony, that lack of urgency that gives us too much freedom to follow our 'natural order,' i.e gaining weight being a problem for the masses in the past, has been shifted to losing weight and trying to get fit in the present.
Perhaps it is a shift in the human psyche that is necessary for the future beings. Perhaps it is a hindrance, or a sign of something wrong; which is why so many people are against it naturally beyond rationality.
I remember learning that in ancient greece it was custom that a younger boy would be paired up with an older man in the military, the older being the mentor and the younger being the pupil, and the younger had to submit to any sexual desire the older would ask of him. It was considered a bonding for the military, a sense of belonging and more reason to fight, apparently.

Some of these arguments would sound completely ridiculous to some, and unfortunately i can't see how, which is why i want you to reply to this theory, and annotate it if you can to help build a better thought.

I think too much, this is a social network so i may as well take advantage of your minds too to help unload some pressure haha.

A look into the future

Follow for more quality posts like this!

This week in school

Subject: Visual Arts Class Sometimes, being surrounded by lots of like really asian people who only do maths, commerce and economics shit, i get really confused as to why i'm majoring in art cause it's like, majoring in hoboness or something.

Anyway, that's beside the point. I'm going to tell you about how I semi-fucked up my first art assignment in my contemporary art class.

So we were told to bring to class a contemporary object. An object that encapsulates some part of contemporary culture. The object example he gave was condoms that were made in China (sexual openness, technology in contraception, outsourced products, global closeness etc.) and then we were meant to bring something that was along those lines.

On the day of the assignment due date, people brought like new Polaroid cameras (New products that take the shape of vintage objects), Selfies , Bitcoin (Electronic Currency), Bart Simpson T-shirt (commercialization, americaness), university diplomas etc etc. What I brought, was Condoms that were made in China. But I talked about how society today makes it so that your life is written for you already and all you have to do is do what you are told to survive the modern life.

So I basically just did what he told, like I brought the object that he used as the example. And after my presentation he was like:

"THAT HURRTTTTSSSS!! I'M REALLY HURRRRRRTTTTT!!!!!!! THAT HUUURTSS!! I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE ANY EXAMPLES OR SAY WHAT OTHER PEOPLE BROUGHT AGAIN! okay you know what, I get it. Fine, I get the point. ok, just, let's move on. Ok Thank you. SIGH"

I don't know what I did. I just hope he remembers me. (It's really hard to not look like just any other Quiet Asian Girl)

New coursework

I finished my assignments on time, yay, so I start new coursework this week.

But I'll admit, I'm kinda tired, like I want a break, I guess I'll do this semester and then maybe I'll take a break over the December holidays and go back to full-time Uni. Or not. I dunno, it seems shitty to complain, but I do miss those few weeks break where nothing is due and there is no coursework.

Oh well, have another photo from Europe, this time from a different mountain.

That moment

When things are relatable

45% assignments and such

I'm trying to write a report that's due tomorrow. It's not going well.

Have a photo I took while I was in Europe, up a mountain.

Kendrick Lamar talks Science

jemma is in europe

man I really miss her but i'm so glad she's having the best time :3

my life is probably not like your life

i diced an apple and filled a bowl with cereal.
opened the fridge
there is no milk, there is no juice

so i decide i'll eat my fruit and cereal dry
goes to room
sees takeaway coffee cup from yesterday
there's still some latte in it
it became the diluent of my breakfast

delicious day old caffeinated milk

thank you.

w00t

I thought i'd post now. I just had a spanish meetup with le smaz n marelanman. Man i drunk alot. it's rare that i come home at 2 (on a weds) and am v, fucking drink. Lol. So like, the group; it's a funny unwritten code aint it. Wheneevr we feel alone we tend to meet up more i guess, it's a safe backup! That's good, i really feel that that which we bond with eachother is loneliness, we all experienced it in our own ways, do you not agree? Loneliness, ain't it funny. Now i can't unsee us as a human race being no diferent from a group of bacteria that seeks to expand for no rational reason but to expand.
The world would be better without humans in my opinion. There are plenty of reasons to keep us here, but it does not out weigh that which why we should stay here.. greed; burden, that's what we are essentially. There is no greater purpose but amusement.

I sleep at night and dream of dolphins rescuing me from open oceans and sharks; who am i to listen to. But who aren't i to listen to. Why judge. Why not. Do your emotions constrict your judgmental views? But emotions make you human. What if we had no emotions?

I miss being 4. Not in school, not cognitively incapable, but incapable of remembering exactly where i left my lion king plushie around the house; yet still remembering it exists somewhere where i would leave it. It's almost like a dream living at that age, like a drunken swallowed dream. Parents speak of things we don't comprehend, only that which we pretend to understand yet don't really. Toys we play with are only limited by our imaginations and embarassment. Expectations are realised exceeded or unmet. Repeat.

How do we choose to live life now? We are capable of educated informative choice. Is it interest that segregates us, or our liberal desire? Do you like things because of nature or nurture? Does it matter in the long run? You may after all just be a video game character to dimensions incomprehensible.

This life is cruciating my mind, i just follow a distinct path between happy desirable and economical. Money is ajoke in my personal view.

I have no idea what i've written about nor if i will concieve it in the morn.. It's 2.26AM and i say, wtf am i livng for

Good night, may my body recover so it brings me passed dusk to waken and start anew

i feel like you need to get some spoek mathambo in ya + fuck yeah life is the best

the song i got the video^^ to start at (18:22) is called "dog to bone" and I've been listening to it non stop for like the last 2 weeks. its so good. just like. ((oh mang my weird south africa fetish man, where did that even come from..))



also yeah guys ive had an exceptional last 2 weeks. lotsa awesome shit happem. not gonna lie i was in a pretty bad place on account of my hands all throughout the holidays but the last 2 weeks, ever since uni started up again. I'm pretty much like, high on life right now and its legit the best thing ever. I'm repeating my self already?? aaa



how bout you guise. how're your lives going at the moment?

Interesting blog statistics

You know I was just thinking, this blog still receives something like 1500 hits a month and like it's not used that much by us, I'm just wondering where those hits come from.

In it's history, this blog has received almost 200,000 hits, even with the 6 or so of us that still visit regularly, maybe once a day, I'm just wondering where the average of 75 or so per day comes from?

If anyone is curious, in the entire history, our blog has amassed 183,014 hits, it's most popular post are Arthur Comics (Maxim), followed by two Dragon of the Day  posts (Lord of the Palmtrees), followed by How to Write a Prac Report (Smz), followed by my rant on Beauty pageants.

Also quite a large percentage of out current blog viewers come from the US and Russia, rather than Australia, interesting enough.

watch

no exams... what spare time does to me

SO LIKE

KORRA EPISODE 1 2 AND 3 AIR IN THE us TOMORROW
JUST, CASUALLY


AWESOME

OH HEY CAPS LOCK. I AM EXCITED THO

Youz wood appresheate dis

I did it!

I managed to get a high score in mobile smash-hit video game Fly Bird!

Aren't I good at video game huh?

(Oh man srs tho this clone is exactly the same as flappy bird in every way except for the music. The music is incredible, I really have no words for it)

ok I have to admit. I'm kinda hyped

Do you remember microsoft publisher

I had a dream about it last night

It's 1:05 am on a Wednesday morning, so you know what that means...

.. another edition of late-night midweek funk!

Ehh why not

Yeah that's pretty much my life actually. Painting, Uni, Photos, Email, pretty accurate.

Also, not having a phone is a pain, I'm pretty sure I'm not missing out on anything, but I just keep going to check it, and it's broken so I can't. And I went to get a new plan yesterday but we got there too late yesterday so the credit check didn't go through in time, and now I have to wait til Thursday, and that's fine, I'm not complaining beyond inconvenience, but like I'm so used to having a phone and not in like a how did people survive before mobile phones way, because they didn't have them, they got on in the same way, we get on without the devices people will have in the future and will ask how we lived without having, it's just a habit thing.

i'll bite

here's my internet browser thing these days

bleh its kinda boring, I realise I spend almost no time doing any interesting internet things these days :/

Didn't realise how well this sums me up as a person

the usu is for the spanish society which sam is on too. These are my core sites really...

What are you most visited pages guys?

This is mine. I try to keep my browser experience simple, so I only have six core-sites that I visit regularly when I'm bored. Everything else I just use the url bar for.

I think you'll know all of them except the history one; that's just a forum I've been visiting consistently for about seven years.

fɔrmsprəng

hey guys. you guys remember "formspring"? well it's called spring.me now but thats dumb so I'mma call it fermsprong. it also wants to be tumblər but that's dumb so it's not.


someone "smiled at me" and farmsprung sent me an email about it. then I look at their fʌrmsprong page and it's some weird internet person I've never met.

they "smiled at me" like 4 days ago. wut that's just so creepy

then I went and looked at all of our fərmsprəng accounts (or at least me + the like 3 people that I "followed") 

hahaha we really were such caricatures of our year 10 selves, maŋg


it's weird tho it's like the least cringeworthy of any of my personal internet activities from the past. I went there expecting to cringe but in the end I was just like "oh. yeah I remember that" 





hahahahaha I'm so tired I could die right now fuck uni :)

I laughed out roud

So there was a facebook thing saying "i dare you to write PASTE into the COMMENTS"
And someone (as a joke) wrote their (fake) credit card number and expiry date and all, this was the reply;

I <3 the internet sometimes

the future

Omg im glad im not the only one. Now theres two

2004

for some reason, i thought of madison when i saw drake.

im such a shit

fuck
my group had a huge like fucking 10 hour meet/ project time thing together today and i couldnt do it cos i was like 'I CANT DO THURSDAYS. THURSDAYS ARE WORK DAYS'
then i was like 'I'll come at 5 cos i be finished then'
but then my boss be like 'you workin til 7;30 now'
then i was like man im tired i go home now
and now im home
and my whole group's done sooo much work and i havnt done shit
also they're still at uni
what
its not due for like a week or whatever
and its like peer accessed
im gonna lose so hard.
also personality clashes/
damn.

and i havnt gone to a single mahjong thing in aaaggggeeeessssssssss
why do i even try to life. fuuuuck

i mean i could be working on it now..
but i have other shit to do.
do you ever feel like other people just do less shit and expect you to have as much free time as them
i dont even kno wut the point of this post is
im tired. and i feel like a shit. thats it.

this is why I liked collegehumour on facebook. yep

oh man remember megavideo

that was like 3 years ago. or even longer. damn.

omg i want this sword

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/1851/

Why

does the word valuable and invaluable mean almost the same thing.

i keep get the confuse

art is also writing chinese names with tofu

THIS MUCH IMPORTANTE

heshtag

today i was like reading an article, and in it was a list of things

in the comments section, someone was referring to one of the listed subjects

it was like 'i dont understand how #4 is..."
and instead of reading it as 'number 4'

different boy hugging maxim

boy hugging maxim

Consistency

I love change.
I do.
That's the way things grow and develop and get better etc etc

but consistency man.
i just love it.
You know that person that when you first meet does something that makes everyone kinda uncomfortable. cause it's like awkward or something. and at first you're thinking 'man stop being so weird dude' but they dont stop. and eventually its endearing and identifying and they're respected for that. or something. it becomes a unique characteristic.

and like when the songs/music and structure of a show remains unchanged for 14 years and 28 seasons. or the host says the same thing every single time. like when jeff probst says  "once the votes are read the decision is final. Person voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately" and when they play the same opening, closing voting, victory, dramatic music etc.
there's comfort in familiarity i guess.

yes this is about survivor.
sorry not sorry.
my experience when watching survivor can only be described as euphoric.

I fucking love this picture

why is errything happening on the 17th of april

why

pls why

people should organize things in the daytime

also i just realized our break starts after this week.

best. news. ever. 

gonna catch up on so much wo(survivor reruns)rk

weeknights. 

procrastination

what are you doing with your life

lookin through the odd future tumblr to find that one picture of lucas vercetti lambert told you about

what are you supposed to be doing

what even is procrastination

what is 

cant find the pic. heres a lion. loiter squad

Do you ever look at your FB wall/timeline and think, this is not who I am.

TOday

I got home at 8:30, and dicked around til 11pm, fell asleep, woke up at 3 am, chugged a bottle of ice mocha and then..



didn't do work until now.

it's almost 7am and I didn't work.


i suck all the ball

Today, I was sitting at my desk and everything was chill, doing my uni work, relaxing. Anyway, I got up to say hi to mum who had just walked in the door and my brain had like an attack as I stood up, possibly caused by standing up I don't really know and basically I collapsed in my own doorway and I couldn't get up because of severe vertigo. It wasn't even the world was spinning, it was just like the video game control angles were all wrong like before, I couldn't walk without holding onto something for like 15 minutes, and even sitting down I almost fell off the chair a few times, because I was leaning over without realising it. I think it must have been some sort of weird migraine cause then I got a splitting headache for about an hour after. Usually I'd get visual auras before a migraine but my medication suppresses those sorts of things.

Anyway, I really hope that doesn't happen again, I mean this is the reason I chose open University and the thing that led to me being house bound for those 3 months last year, where the vertigo was that first symptom to appear.  The inevitable question that comes to mind is whether this is another flare up of the same thing? Is it another stage of the same thing? Or is it just an extra thing to add to the list? I don't know.

I find myself at a bit of a loss as the months pass and I am still not symptom free, I do try and remain positive, but with literally seeing your symptoms that can be difficult. I don't really know what to say when people say, it could be going away and the trend for me at least, if I am 100% honest with you, is increasing symptoms as time goes on, not decreasing, that is a difficult assumption to stay positive to. I can't really say what the medication has an effect on, although I can say, the tracking, while still around when on my medication is remarkably improved by it.
The tracking by the way is best described by this photo,

the glowsticks in the photo basically have a trail, you can see that trail with the aid of the camera, I can see trails like that after pretty much everything, when I am not on medication. It happens because something in my brain is being a little bit overactive, that's the theory anyway, and would explain why it's worse when I am really anxious, the tracking is usually only if I move past something or if I move something quickly in front of my face but in bad cases, can even extend to when I move my eyes, so there will be trails like that.
Sounds cool. Really isn't.

Put it this way, it's ok most of the time, but you see how in that image, it's also like there are a few copies in some places, same thing in my vision, when you wake up in the morning and everything has a trail, the fridge, the bed, the cupboard, the curtains, the doorframe, the floorboards, it's like the worlds is fucking with you. All you want is for it all to just piss off back down to one edge.

Anyway, I've ranted enough, look at this awesome photo I took ages ago but edited today I was super proud of it.















Also uni is going super well, and that's awesome and I'm really glad I have you guys

abandoned duck warehouse

art and science why

you know that vodka, crystal head vodka?



Scientists used forensics and stuff to model what the person's face would be like

its hella scary )):::

ive done it

i lost my license.
i dont remember when but it was when i was with alex after we got wasted at work.
goddamn we're silly.

im only expressing this because i feel like it has officially solidified my dropkick status.

 still gotta be about that uni life tho.

also survivor is my life. i think you guys all fully understand this but the new season is killing me. damn. it is actually drugs.

EDIT:

i got my license back.
went to the coles where i  thought i lost it. guy was like 'hey you were here last night' and i was like 'yeeeh' and he was like 'we told you like 3 times not to forget your license and even shouted at you but you kept going up the escalator. you guys seemed pretty drunk'

oops.

irelevant to most but DRRRRR SEASON 2 TRAILER

「デュラララ!!」TV新シリーズ告知 by yuyucow

It's begun

Ever since my shoulders gotten worthy i've started exercising at home alot
And am drinking protein powder stuff
Ahhhh i succumbed to my inner wog. I. Must. Get. Bigger. Arms. (i must lift)

i'm semi-experimenting on myself too... i wanna see if there really is a result to this

I completedly forgot GPOY existed.


Til now.

The 20s are coming up again real soon

feeling so sleepy

so tired
so paranoid
so doubtful
i dont even know
do you get that feel. where you just question everything and it seriously feels like you're losing your mind like you're not really there. im feeling extra crazy right now. i think sleep is the answer.

maybe i'll skip 2 of my lectures and go to sleep. what is life even.

have you ever

Like gone to class in uni and there was this one older student who is like married and stuff but came back to do school and then you think


of those movies where the older person is the protagonist and they went back to school to work hard and re earn their degree as they get over trials and tribulations of society and age and stuff and they work really hard and are really into their work and have a supporting friend waiting by the door as they give their final presentation.

And like, I'm just there being a shitty normal student and boy I feel like if life was a movie and they did play the main role I would make such a good generic bad student who just says stupid shit when presenting as like a comic relief part.


You know what I'm saying?

no?

hahaha this situation...

The World

So as I sit here listening to the instramental remix of Feathers by Nujabes, I'm in a mood that I feel fairly often, but haven't felt in a particular while.

This is a song, one of untold millions on it, and for whatever reason it appeals to my soul or sense of individuality. I feel sort of "connected" to people, and like it's the sort of song that the sort of person I want to be would listen to on the regular. It makes me feel more a part of MY people, my age group, the digital generation, the soulful stoners and never-ending partygoers of this world.

And it makes me sombre at the same time. In making me feel connected, it reinforces how disconnected and identityless I often feel. This particular remix came out four years ago, and while a good song on its own, I'm sure there are far more interesting and highly regarded ones from the genre or scene that it originated from. And here I am, listening to it four years later, only after hearing it through a computer game video, only clawing at the surface of what is likely an incredibly fascinating musical  world in its  own right. Then I go on the tangent to think about how this song is part of an infinitely deep subculture, which likely has its own celebrities, villains, conflicts, tales and triumphs, defeats and despairs. Nujabes died that same year at the age of 36, and it fills with romantic sorrow to think of the particular impact that such a death would've had on his admirers and fans at the time. Here is a man, who has had his own life, was probably telling his own story, had his own outlook on the world based on his experiences, and respected by members of his cultural tribe.

Sometimes I think that I should do something like that, and be part of my own part of the world. I listen to soothing female backing tracks on dubstep songs, and I think that these are young girls who at some point in their life where in the recording studio to document their voice so that others may appreciate some of the same emotions they appreciate while listening to this type of music.
Or perhaps I should consume more of the subcultures that interest me, and weave my own story being identified with those groups, being intrinsically tied with the fate of these worlds.

Then to think of my physical world - take Sydney. This is our current home, and for better or for worse, our lives are currently bound to its ebb and flow. And that's fine, because there are an infinite number of tales that can be told on this one corner of the planet. But this then tells us that on every corner in every city on the planet an equal amount of stories can be told, with the conflicts and resolutions of people like us around the world being uniquely different and wholly the same simultaneously. It doesn't matter if it's Sydney or Tallin or Vladivostok or Cincinnati or Medellin, every world is perfectly full yet utterly lacking.

The world is so vast, and so small.

Women are the next trees

making a twitter

because you think its the only way you can contact your D&T teachers

How to explain

I don't even know how many years ago it was, for all i know it could have been in my first. But i had a 'flash foward' of this life in a sense, a bunch of unfamiliar images and events.
I went to see the opera in Domain with a cousin, she bought two friends along and we had fun enjoying a performance to that which would normally cost near a hundred dollars. It was during the event, a friend named Sam imitated the opera singers, sitting down flowing his hands in the air and gesturing with a cynical face.
But for one instant, time froze for a second and i had the most intense deja vu that i had ever experienced, and the memory of having the 'flash foward' came forth to my mind once more, only this time i just experienced the final image, my last memory.

I only half believe this myself, so really i won't be surprised if you read this and think "you're crazy"

So anyway i decided not to catch the bus home and walked drinking rum, played a game at capitol and spoke to some italian and french people on the way..the rest i was very anxious at what is to come.

here is a great movie, it has all genres but mainly quality fighting and even plot (rare in kung fu movies) with my favourite martial art/ actor in it as the main char.

stumbled across this awesomely done short film

help i want skateboard but how excessive do i need to be

the green money one is 160 bucks, the red PB&J one is 190 bucks.

i can get one or the other or both for 350 (incl postage)

or i can this fully custom dream skateboard for 380 bucks (incl postage)

WHAT SHOULD I DO

im going to produce my options in the order of excessiveness starting from the least to most please help me seriously!!!!

1) the money 1 (160)

2) the PB&J 1 (190)

3) both money + PB&J (350)

4) the sick custom one (380)

do i really need 2?? i kinda want it.. what.. i dont know what i want nemoar

All that shit we learnt about Orwell's essays in y12 English was complete bullshit

Hey friends

I got my hair did

mm ramen

Sounds like he's saying FRESH RAMEN

morning wood

from this he made this:

http://news-hound.net/what-a-man-did-with-this-tree-trunk-will-blow-your-mind-whatever-youre-thinkingits-better/

don't read

i really just need to speak about this its been on my mind for a while.
Why do we need to live. Really. Why.
Isn't it a bit ignorant just to reply with, "even though we are all going to die in the end, it's how you live your life that counts, have fun and yada yada yada"
What is it that makes us all want to have be in a relationship and have kids; it's purely instinctual and bestial in a sense "we MUST keep the human race alive and produce more!" but why?
So i decided if i ever get a job, i won't be pursuing a career that lives off other jobs (i.e accounting or management) or that is in hospitality. No way. I have decided that two things only make my life worth living really, it just makes sense.
I want to do something for this world, change 'something' or discover 'something'...help us advance as a race and give my life and this weird human race a purpose.
And by means of deduction really the only two fields that fit this description are
a) enter a scientific field
b) become a teacher (by doing this i can at least have relief of persuading the next generation to do the same)

It's just so stupid. I saw an old man walking down the street, he had mid length gray hair, used a walking stick with his hunched posture and wore a grey suit, that looked like a naval-generals outfit, and the appropriate badges to suit the profession dangling above his left pocket on his chest. But above most, his face... it looked helpless. Turn back the time machine 40 odd years and we might be looking at a good-looking, successful, fearless; motivated.
He probably has a life in which involve things i'd never even heard of, been to a certain country and met a few certain people and did a few certain activities that would make my eyebrows raise with awe.

But right now...as i think. Doesn't everyone have one of these lives? Was that their goal in life? Do we even need goals?

I walked into the supermarket and saw the array of vegetables and fruits that confront the eye, begging to be bought by any entering customer. But this time, i don't know why, i just thought... how fucking easy is this life. The fruits, imported from all over, the vegetables too. I don't have to search for calories to make it to the next day, rather i have to avoid calories so that i don't put on weight.
How embarrassing.

Above all things in searching for a job, we are told to enjoy it. But i have this scarred rule in my head, saying that i need to earn as much money as i can. With such a low esteem for job hunting, let alone a goal that is so high on the pedistool i can't even reach the legs of...

holla holla

And when I'm gone, the whole crew sing a swan song cause we are all just thinking timebombs

Hey friends,

Today. I just came back from one of the most socially awkward experience since my time in Canada. It wasn't like those awkward times when I said something stupid or did something dumb and it made it weird for a split second to like 10 minutes (I mean sure at that time it felt like an eternity) but this one was made of messy feelings that a prepubescent teen would experience changing schools half way through semester of grade 9.You know the kind that makes you awkwardly get your provided lunch and make your way to the seat next to your only friend only to see a group of cooler people surround him and all the other seats look taken so you decide the best decision to do is to spend your 15 minute break time walking around the building and eating by yourself.

yea that sort of thing.

So turns out I'm really involved in this organization and I went to this two day conference for the weekend. The details of it are like, it's a conference for everyone in the national team to attend (basically everyone else was a veteran of the organization) so I only knew one person who was from Toronto and the other 3 from Toronto, well I only know of them. Anyway at this conference all these 4th and 5th year college students come together to talk about stuff and I don't get most of it so I can't even make conversation and I was just a mess.

Infact the social anxiety affected me so much that I became so dam awkward that the awkward experiences that grew from it is still bothering me to the point where I have to tell everyone about it to get it off my chest. The only other person in a similar position to me was this guy who had the same role as me cause our role isn't really important, we're more like foot soldiers.

Anyway, this is my uni life now. It's kinda boring. Maybe I'll switch back to partying next year.  I don't mind it though.

This experience pretty much made me feel like the beginning of highschool all over again (such dark times).

peace

Maxims birthday

Hey so it's 2014

Christmas and New Year are passed now, and it's 2014.

I do apologise for any weird spaces in this post, my enter key is still not working, so I have to basically copy spacing from other places, it's irritating.

This is a bit philosophical. That tends to happen. I kinda like it. I'm not trying to be profound or fake it, I just think like this literally all the time, and I get the feeling that people sometimes think I'm trying to be super philosophical to be profound or sound important but I speak to myself in my own head like this, it's just how I think.

Anyway, 2013 wasn't the best but hey, you all knew that, and I'm going to focus on the positives because that's what I'm taking away from 2013. 2012 taught me that being happy is really important, like more important than I ever thought possible, and 2013 taught me that you know it might be terrible but you can still laugh. You can still laugh when you are terrified or angry or even a bit sad and that seems like a weird thing. I guess it's a way of dealing with things.

So 2014 is a year for being ok. 2014 is my year for moving on and going, this is ok, I can do this and accepting that while it's not all 100% right, it's going to be ok. I have some things I need to work through and I'm going to do that. I am going to go to Uni. I am going to deal with some social anxiety. I am going to be ok.

And I am aware this isn't terribly positive or super exciting or lets kick the New Year in the nuts and take victorious spoils from it's bag. It sounds a lot like a re-assurance, like I'm sitting in the corner holding some sort of blanket, saying it's going to be ok after a trauma of a year, and I would be lieing if I said this wasn't partly. But it's also me standing up after that and going, "I'm fine, it's cool", because even though it's not quite there yet, it will be.

Finally I would like to say thank you, to all of you, for being there for me this year. I know it can't have been easy as I put myself through a bucketload of anxiety, that may have made it worse. I am sorry that you have had to deal with this. But you guys have truly been my saviours in all senses of the word, and I think I would be hard-pressed to find better people, at least for me. I adore each and every one of you and while being friends is never the most easy task, you make it, the best part of my life. The last part of this year was almost the worst part of my life so far and you guys made that bearable and I thank you and love you from the bottom of my heart. I look forward to spending another year with you, because being with you guys is always better than just ok.

In true our friend fashion, see you all in 2014 cunts.

hahahaha

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1u75hh/i_am_the_guy_with_two_penises_ama/

#actuallyhowispentthestartof2014

earth goes round again

hey guys.
im so happy.

im gonna do a hui wrap up of 2013. as im typing this i have no plan. so sorry if i dont make sens.e (like right now i dont know what im going to type but here goes)

1) got job
3) got into art competition thing
4)watched so much survivor
 5) my friends are so much the best (especially you guys)
6)canada is awesome
7) omg bali was the greatest
8)cambodia cool as well
9) odd future, xx
10) FRANZ FERDINAND !!
11) begin obsession with sprouse twins and cole sprouses girlfriend

2013 finish woo

what resolutions do you kiddies have? im going to be better at alcohol (cos my drank game weak), gonna tone up, grow taller and never stop partying